Trouble Deciding

So I am between a rock and a hard place. I stopped working awhile ago thinking that I would straighten my life out and then get a job. Now, after two years of school and a few personal disasters, I still don't know what to do.

The theory of abundance tells me that I can visualize anything I want and that the universe will somehow bring it about for me. Well, that's great. I believe it, because when I look back to the major events of my life, they were all dreamed about. Almost everything that I have accomplished--or destroyed--started and built up with thoughts, so I have no problems believing that thoughts are energy which create one's reality.

The problem is that having been a Christian for the first 40 years of my life rendered me incapable of dreaming or planning my future. All those years I basically lived randomly; that is, not knowing that my thoughts create my reality, I thought whatever I wanted, and then obtained the results of those thoughts--good or bad.

Now that I know I can live with a purpose thinking the right thoughts and reaping the rewards, I don't know what to dream about. Anthony Robins and all the motivational speakers say I should dream of riches, of trips to Hawaii, and luxury homes.

Well, I don't feel like having those dreams. My only dream is to be happy. I dream of the day when I won't feel guilty about anything, when I will have a clear conscience. I also dream of having people to love and be loved by.

My problem is that all the motivational speakers assume that what a person needs is financial prosperity. But that's not what I need. I need emotional prosperity. I need to be strong and healthy inside. I want to be able to have friends that I can count on. I want to be counted on by others too.

Most people in my life, however, starting with my relatives, don't want to love me or be loved by me. They want a piece of me. They think I am rich and that I am fare game--if they need money, I should give it to them. if I don't give them any, they hate me.

Are there such people in the world who are willing to love me expecting nothing from me? I suppose for most people, those are the relatives. Most people have a mother who loves them just the way they are, but I don't have that. My siblings hate me, and I don't hate them, but I am sick and tired of them hating me. I don't want to be around them.

The trouble is, then, that I am unable to get love and acceptance from the places most people get it. Not only do they not love me, but they also dislike me. So, I am in the red when it comes to that. Completely in the red.

Aquaintances and friends can only give me a little, because their relatives consume it all: their time, their energy, and their love.

So basically, I am out in the cold having only me and my husband to love me. I suppose I am lucky. Other people like me are out there getting high or drunk, repeatedly attempting suicide, and unable to function in society.

I must admit that I am a close second behind them. I haven't tried to kill myself, but I think about it occassionally. I haven't been able to work in years, and I've been addicted to food.

It appears that in spite of it all, I've done my best to survive--though I feel as if hanging by a piece of thread. I am supposed to repeat affirmations that say, "I love myself," but it doesn't pan out so good.

How does a person with so little in the emotional "bank account" goes out to the workforce and takes the bullshit, the pressure, and the competition? How? It is a dog fight out there, and I am afraid of it.

There are miles and miles from here to being able to choose an occupation. I hope my higher self has something to say about it, because if she doesn't, she is not worthy of being called my higher self.

Visualization, abundance, etc.

What bothers me about the Unity teachings is that they have taken metaphysical truths about the Universe, and they have tried to make them fit into the Christian mold. They have found symbols in the Bible for everything they want to teach. I see that as hypocrisy.

Why hold on to religion, when Universal laws can be accessed without a fiction book to back them up? Personally, I do not need the teachings of Jesus to understand that the Universe operates under certain laws that when adhered to, produce certain results.

If I constantly visualize anything, the chances that I will get that something are pretty good. It doesn't matter that Jesus may have used the same technique. Why would I, then, use name of Jesus? It only hinders my belief in the Universe, because such name was used in the past to force me to adhere to behaviours and doctrines that didn't even make sense to me. Other people believe the same metaphysical stuff, and don't wave around the name of Jesus.

My dream is to find a group where people will believe in the Universe independently of religion. That would be nice. But Unity is just an adaptation of Christianity to a pagan, metaphysical view of the world. Frankly I could do without the whole thing, if I could just find something else. But, what would that be?

About Me

I left fundamentalist Christianity for good one-and-a-half years ago. The journey of deprogramming my mind from the black-and-white thinking has been painful and traumatic, and it is still going on.

I was religious my entire life, so in order to create a new belief system, I thought I would join a movement that was more modern and less severe than Christianity. In May 2005 I attended my last service at a main-stream Christian church, the following Sunday I went to a Unity Church--just for something to do. I wasn't prepared for what I found. Everything sounded heretic to me. But I also felt accepted unconditionally, and the belief system seemed like something I could use.

For my taste, the Unity church overly uses both the Bible and Jesus, which were used by main-stream Christianity to terrorize me. They said the book was divinely inspired, that I had to believe in Jesus to be saved from eternal hell, and that even thinking that Jesus may not be the son of God meant eternal damnation. At Unity they see the Bible as a metaphysical book, but I still don't want to hear about it. It may take a few years before I can really use the so-called wisdom from the book.

Jesus and textbook aside, the principles of Unity are awesome. I just wish they wouldn't need that to bring the positive message across. But quite frankly, I have learned to see past that and to enjoy the positive, enlightening teachings.

Of course, the teachings are not exclusive to Unity. What they believe is similar to what, say, Wayne Dyer talks about all the time. But famous gurus charge people big bucks for public appearances--I don't have to dish out much money to go to church on Sundays to meet others who believe somewhat the same as me. The somewhat is emphasized because I do not agree with everything that's said, but that's the beauty of it. I can be myself. I can have my own esoteric spirituality and nobody is judging me for it.

It might as well be a Science of Mind church or any other metaphysical organization. I refuse to profess exclusive partisanship toward the Unity church I attend, for doing that would be akin to falling prey to religion yet again. So I see these people as friends who allow me to believe as I wish and who accept me as I am. I love it.