Dreaming - Back with mother

I dreamed a lot last night, but forgot most of it. I only remember my last dream.

I was back home with my mom and my sisters--no brothers. In her kitchen, my mother had the walls covered with wooden open shelves compartmentalized into little boxes, from floor to ceiling, like an old-fashioned pharmacy. The boxes had all kinds of fruits & vegetables, and she was cooking, and she looked very happy. She was even smiling. It was as if I died and went to heaven.

Our house was small, but we were having lots of fun. Or at least, I felt happy. I was married, and didn't want to go back home, because it was more fun to be with my mom and sisters--2 of them, anyway. The third sister wasn't on my dream.

I thought my husband was awfully boring, and I didn't want to go home and be bored with him.

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My mother is a vegetarian, but she isn't happy. I have rarely ever seen her happy. My two sisters, considering all, are my favourite siblings. If I had to pick two, I'll pick them.

My husband is truly boring. Before me, he had no friends, he was in his 30's and spent most of his time either in church or with his parents. He lived at home until he was 33, when he got married.

I plan our vacations and suggest fun staff to do. For instance, on Monday--a holiday--he spent all day working on a puzzle. I didn't think it was fun, so I watched hockey.

Sometimes I feel that my marriage is only surviving because I don't work and don't want to work and he supports me, financially. If I were out in the workplace and felt secure that I can earn my own money, I have no idea what would happen.

Or maybe, if I were out there, I would need his strong support, and that would draw us closer together. That is perfectly possible.

Sometimes I wonder if I still love him. He is like a companion more than a lover. I don't yearn to be in his arms or anything (well, is not that yearning will help me get something). His coldness has finally killed my warmth. I may have turned into his mother, happy that she is provided for and trying to forget that her husband is a cold, distant house companion.

Dreaming - weird party

I went to a party at someones penthouse. But it wasn't fancy. It was like an old building in a country like Spain. They were sitting on fabric chairs at a roof top around an umbrella-covered tables. There was no room at the only table for me. So I brought another chair and joined them. But the next scene was in the kitchen, where the others were. I think my sister was there. My husband could've been there too. We didn't know the host. But she knew us. She had a photo of my sister and me from years ago, when we attended the mega church.

Not sure if it was the same dream or not, but the guests and I ended up in a prison--a nice prison. We had beds, a kitchen, showers, etc. But we had no food. We'd been eating off my picnic basket which for some reason had some food in it.

The morning we were supposed to go home, a machine gun was discharged to wake us up early in the morning. All of a sudden, I had a handgun, and decided to shoot it, to scare whoever was outside, it seems.

That caused absolute silence, and then I was scared. I thought my shot would case them to kill us all. And I woke up.

Dreaming

Last night I had a dream-filled night. I am planning on writing my nightly dreams to see if I can figure out what my brain is up to these days.

Last night, I was looking out the kitchen window to the backyard, when I saw a completely black eagle munching on some plant. I called my husband and calmly said to him. "Look there is an eagle in the backyard."

Later I dreamed that I was working at my first job in Canada, again. I left that job after a fight with my boss. It was ugly. In the dream, I went back to work for him. He told me to go to HR, where I was told that back then I'd been underpaid because a horrible mistake had been made in recording the category of my position. They made me sign something.

I came to work the next day, and my boss wasn't there. Some lady gave me a bunch of forms to complete, and I remember thinking, "They keep asking me to fill out forms, but nobody is telling me that they will pay me the money I'm owed. Maybe I shouldn't sign anything and find a lawyer."

Then, as part of my job, I went to some school's event, like a job fair, and I ended up talking to some lady about data communications.

Maybe my brain is trying to purge the painful experience. Who knows?

My fears - Shadows in the Darkness

I am a fearful person. Just about everything scares me.

Psychologists have told me that my main problem is my fight-or-flight response to life, and I believe them. How can I not, when almost every little daily event causes my heart to race?

For instance, if I am cleaning the kitchen and look toward the usually dark dinning room and see a shadow moving, I freak out, my heart beats fast, and I start thinking that maybe there is a stranger in the house, or a ghost.

It takes me about five seconds to realize that it was my own shadow. Since the kitchen/family room area is a fishbowl, with tons of daylight coming in, my shadow can easily be seen in the tiny streaks of light that make it to the dining room.

I know all that, yes, but I still freak out when I sense motion in the room. My heart is beating just thinking of that. And there isn't much I can do about it.

Sigh!