Visiting my sister, once or twice a week, is an interesting exercise. The poor woman is out-in-the-left-field when it comes to people's skills.
It is sad that she is so mean and self-righteous. But sadder yet is that she's clueless about it. When a person is so sure that being rude and controlling is a good thing, what hope is there for them?
The only reason I visit her, occasionally, between my nephew's naps and feedings, is because of him. Because of her too, the day may come when she needs to leave the baby with me, due to an emergency, and I don't want him to see me as a complete stranger.
He's an adorable, smiley, agreeable baby. As soon as I get to his house, he starts playing with me. When I leave he looks very serious. I wouldn't be surprised if he shed a few tears for me.
His mother is a nightmare to be around of. She has always been very good at minimizing me, but I've been ignoring her lately. It's easy to do that when there is a smiley baby trying to get your attention.
She is also educational for me to watch, as she is extremely similar to my mother. That aspect of me that I call the "fight or flight" response is one of our mother's traits. It has to do with black-or-whiteness.
That is, in Mother's mind, people expect perfection and nothing less. Apparently, in her mind, people will think she is horrible, lazy, uncaring, and lord knows what else, if the food is less than perfect, if her attire is below the highest standards, if she is late by a second, if instructions are loosely followed, as opposed to to the letter.
All that causes Mother to label even meaningless situations as emergencies. Even going to the mall wearing non-matching pieces of clothing seems to be unacceptable. Yes, she gave me all that. No wonder I've carried so much stress on my shoulders during my lifetime. I've been trying to create perfection and expecting to be rewarded for my efforts.
I never did manage to create perfection because such utopia is in the eye of the beholder. I got little praise along the way, because unbeknownst to me, the only area where perfection was required was where I wasn't even trying: being easy to get along with and agreeable.
So I look at my sister trying to impress me with her perfect timing for the baby. He eats exactly every three hours, even if she has to wake him up. And I'm supposed to be quite impressed by that. She cooks him food from recipes followed meticulously. She dresses him in expensive clothes in matching colours.
All along I'm thinking, who the heck cares if the baby eats on schedule to the second? Isn't that teaching him intolerance? Won't he for the rest of his life be demanding that people be timely on their dealings with him?
Aren't babies in underdeveloped countries lucky to eat once a day? Lots of them grow up to be tall and strong, too.
I'm not suggesting that she be neglectful. I'm just saying that her baby won't starve to death or go malnourished if he goes without food for four hours.
What's sad about my sister is that she is rude and disagreeable to everybody, yet she delusively believes that others approve of her, because she dresses well, COUNSELS others wisely, and looks like a perfect mother. Ah when is she going to wake up?
Like I used to be (a thing of the past, I hope), she is a nasty bitch with a know-it-attitude.
Why don't I say anything? Because if I do she will hurt me. She will leave me bleeding inside and depressed for days, by showing me the skeletons I have in my closet, of which she is quite aware.
The other reason is that it won't help her. People change when life opens their eyes. She may change someday, when she finds herself utterly alone, and she is forced to see the error of her ways. I don't see it happening any earlier than that.
My husband and I are seriously toying with the idea of moving to the other side of the country. We think that there may be more jobs there, and from there, we can more easily visit Europe, Eastern Canada, and the eastern states.
Personally, I wouldn't be too heartbroken to leave my "beloved" sister behind. She's as thorny as a rose and as self-centered as Scarlett O'Hara. I would miss out on my nephew, but I already enjoyed 13 others in the past, and they all grew up and forgot me. Let's face it. He isn't mine, and his loyalty is to his parents, so I've got to look out for ourselves. We have nephews on his side who have promised to put us on a nursing home at the end of our days.
Here is hoping that by bitching about my sister, I have helped myself to see the error of my ways as well.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Working on my issues
I’ve been working on my issues for many years now. What are my issues? Rage, depression, lack of people’s skills, blurting out my unfiltered thoughts consistently, speaking evil of people behind their backs, speaking evil at people on their own faces, hating anyone with imperfections, getting easily upset and never forgiving, etc. etc.
It is very hard to live in the world when people have to be perfect to make your list of only-people-she-will-ever-talk-to.
My issues are severe, serious, and difficult to overcome. But I’ve been working at it. Of late, the one issue I’ve been forced to face is fatalism. The last time my husband was unemployed for a while, I became completely depressed, constantly worrying about us ending up on the street, begging for food. Yes, that’s what I did for a whole year, and we had a six-month severance with a whole year of Employment Insurance benefits to follow. On top of that, we had no mortgage or debt of any kind. But I was miserable. In my mind, I saw us completely destitute. I never did picture us getting jobs and moving on.
Having been through that before really helps this time around. But working on the “issues” all these years is really helping as well. For some reason, I’m refusing to worry. I’m determined to be happy “in spite of” instead of “because of,” apparently.
I’m really shocked to see the emotional resilience I have developed. I didn’t expect it to be this way. In fact, when he lost his job, my biggest concern wasn’t his unemployment. It was my reaction. I thought I would feel as if somebody had kicked me on the stomach, for the entire time of his unemployment.
I wasn’t expecting to be feeling shitty health-wise, but as I was telling him yesterday, I feel uncomfortably unhealthy, but now I know why. Not only that, I know that millions of perimenopausal women all over the world are experiencing my symptoms, and for some reason that helps. Maybe because I realize that I’m not crazy or hypochondriac, just menopausal.
As for my own unemployment, for some reason I feel really positive as well. I only hear good stuff from my inner voice. It could be that this time I’m determined to do just about anything for a buck--but not only for a buck. I want to work because I miss being out there, meeting people, making friends, having my own money to spend.
Being employed offers a lot more benefits than just money and extended health insurance. It is good for you. It helps you know that you belong in the universe. It makes you feel useful. And I’m determined to have that again.
As for my issues, I am working very hard on my affirmations. I have one that says, “I surprise myself with my incredible patience.”
Let’s hope that when I get my job in May or June, that I will be the model employee. One who never complains, keeps her strong opinions to herself, doesn’t take anything personally, allows people to be imperfect, and concentrates on the work at hand instead of on the surrounding people.
It is very hard to live in the world when people have to be perfect to make your list of only-people-she-will-ever-talk-to.
My issues are severe, serious, and difficult to overcome. But I’ve been working at it. Of late, the one issue I’ve been forced to face is fatalism. The last time my husband was unemployed for a while, I became completely depressed, constantly worrying about us ending up on the street, begging for food. Yes, that’s what I did for a whole year, and we had a six-month severance with a whole year of Employment Insurance benefits to follow. On top of that, we had no mortgage or debt of any kind. But I was miserable. In my mind, I saw us completely destitute. I never did picture us getting jobs and moving on.
Having been through that before really helps this time around. But working on the “issues” all these years is really helping as well. For some reason, I’m refusing to worry. I’m determined to be happy “in spite of” instead of “because of,” apparently.
I’m really shocked to see the emotional resilience I have developed. I didn’t expect it to be this way. In fact, when he lost his job, my biggest concern wasn’t his unemployment. It was my reaction. I thought I would feel as if somebody had kicked me on the stomach, for the entire time of his unemployment.
I wasn’t expecting to be feeling shitty health-wise, but as I was telling him yesterday, I feel uncomfortably unhealthy, but now I know why. Not only that, I know that millions of perimenopausal women all over the world are experiencing my symptoms, and for some reason that helps. Maybe because I realize that I’m not crazy or hypochondriac, just menopausal.
As for my own unemployment, for some reason I feel really positive as well. I only hear good stuff from my inner voice. It could be that this time I’m determined to do just about anything for a buck--but not only for a buck. I want to work because I miss being out there, meeting people, making friends, having my own money to spend.
Being employed offers a lot more benefits than just money and extended health insurance. It is good for you. It helps you know that you belong in the universe. It makes you feel useful. And I’m determined to have that again.
As for my issues, I am working very hard on my affirmations. I have one that says, “I surprise myself with my incredible patience.”
Let’s hope that when I get my job in May or June, that I will be the model employee. One who never complains, keeps her strong opinions to herself, doesn’t take anything personally, allows people to be imperfect, and concentrates on the work at hand instead of on the surrounding people.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
A Good Day
Not wishing to wait until next week, I saw a doctor today. He said that I’m peri-menopausal and that I am not pregnant. Excellent news! Now, I move on.
I also talked to him about my joint pain, and he diagnosed me with rotator cuff tendonitis. Maybe I can use that as a disability. Keep that in mind when you read further down, and that I saw the doctor after having gone to the government agency.
He wants me take some medication for a couple of weeks and to see a physical therapist. He said swimming would be good, too.
And yes, I saw an employment counselor, too. I had called that agency even though they work with people with disabilities, because they seemed to have a program for “normal” folks. But when I got there, the caseworker said that she was indeed a caseworker, but for people with disabilities.
“OK,” I said, “I’ll go home to find another agency.”
“Why would you do that,” she said, “if I can do that here, with you?”
“Because I can do it myself, online.”
Then she said, “Or I can help you, do you have any chronic pain or another issue that we can use as a disability to try to get you funding for training?”
Then she got my attention.
I said that, yes, I had chronic pain issues but that I hadn’t been diagnosed by a doctor. “But I do have a psychological disability,” I said.
Then I explained that I had trouble dealing with people and handling stress, due to my abusive upbringing, which combined with the culture, has made my working life in this country miserable.
She said, “OK, you have PTSD. I’ll write that on the papers, and I can work with you.”
“Maybe there is a god,” I said. “I’ve always wanted to have a disability sticker for my car.”
“Most of the disabilities we deal with, here, are invisible,” she said.
But why is this good news to me? Because she will work with me keeping my most difficult shortcomings in mind. She will be there every step of the way helping me figure out what type of job I can get that fits the person I am. Other employment programs assume that, if you have skills, you should be able to find a job and live happily ever after. Not so with me. There is a reason I haven’t wanted to work in several years.
Yes, I do have a handicap. And somehow I landed at a government-funded agency that helps people with handicaps like mine. It’s pleasantly bizarre, really.
Incredibly enough, seeing my issues as a handicap has given me more hope than ever. Maybe because I know that there is much better funding and opportunities for persons with disabilities, while at the same time, fewer people are looking for that sort of help, so counselors have more time and resources for the likes of me, who need hand holding. And some people wonder why I love this country so much!
Of course, if after looking for work for a while we conclude that I need a little re-training, we will have to get doctors and psychologists signatures, to prove that I have issues. It shouldn’t be hard to find 50 people or so to agree that I do.
Yes, it was a good day.
I also talked to him about my joint pain, and he diagnosed me with rotator cuff tendonitis. Maybe I can use that as a disability. Keep that in mind when you read further down, and that I saw the doctor after having gone to the government agency.
He wants me take some medication for a couple of weeks and to see a physical therapist. He said swimming would be good, too.
And yes, I saw an employment counselor, too. I had called that agency even though they work with people with disabilities, because they seemed to have a program for “normal” folks. But when I got there, the caseworker said that she was indeed a caseworker, but for people with disabilities.
“OK,” I said, “I’ll go home to find another agency.”
“Why would you do that,” she said, “if I can do that here, with you?”
“Because I can do it myself, online.”
Then she said, “Or I can help you, do you have any chronic pain or another issue that we can use as a disability to try to get you funding for training?”
Then she got my attention.
I said that, yes, I had chronic pain issues but that I hadn’t been diagnosed by a doctor. “But I do have a psychological disability,” I said.
Then I explained that I had trouble dealing with people and handling stress, due to my abusive upbringing, which combined with the culture, has made my working life in this country miserable.
She said, “OK, you have PTSD. I’ll write that on the papers, and I can work with you.”
“Maybe there is a god,” I said. “I’ve always wanted to have a disability sticker for my car.”
“Most of the disabilities we deal with, here, are invisible,” she said.
But why is this good news to me? Because she will work with me keeping my most difficult shortcomings in mind. She will be there every step of the way helping me figure out what type of job I can get that fits the person I am. Other employment programs assume that, if you have skills, you should be able to find a job and live happily ever after. Not so with me. There is a reason I haven’t wanted to work in several years.
Yes, I do have a handicap. And somehow I landed at a government-funded agency that helps people with handicaps like mine. It’s pleasantly bizarre, really.
Incredibly enough, seeing my issues as a handicap has given me more hope than ever. Maybe because I know that there is much better funding and opportunities for persons with disabilities, while at the same time, fewer people are looking for that sort of help, so counselors have more time and resources for the likes of me, who need hand holding. And some people wonder why I love this country so much!
Of course, if after looking for work for a while we conclude that I need a little re-training, we will have to get doctors and psychologists signatures, to prove that I have issues. It shouldn’t be hard to find 50 people or so to agree that I do.
Yes, it was a good day.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Unemployed and Menopausal
If it weren’t funny, it would be sad: I haven’t had my Mother Nature’s visit for about 60 days. And I’m having all the symptoms of the M word, like night sweats, joint pain, nausea, acne, and others that I'll leave unmentioned.
My hope is that it truly is the end of my reproductive days. It sucks to be tired all the time, but it is better than having Mother Nature surprise you with her dirty business every 20+ days.
I must say, though, that the concern is hindering the beginning of my job search. I don’t know why I am so preoccupied about it, when it is such a natural thing. OK, I’ll admit it. There is 1% possibility that I could be pregnant. Cheap me doesn’t want to spend the $3.95 for a pregnancy test. Maybe I should try the dollar store and get it over with.
Today my sister gave me a hpt, expired by two months. I will try it tomorrow, and it will be negative. But it will be good to know for sure. Yes, I’m sure, because I just don’t feel pregnant at all. There are other changes that I experienced when I’ve been pregnant that just aren’t happening.
I also have a doctor’s appointment for next week. I don’t know what I will tell her. “Hey, I thought I’d let you know that I’ve missed my last three, and I’m not pregnant.”
Or maybe I’ll say, “Care to check me for Osteoporosis? I am lactose intolerant and menopausal. Maybe there is something I should be doing to prevent the O thing.”
The worse part of being menopausal is that when you look for symptoms on the Internet, you land on forums where they do discuss your issues. And you find comments like, “Yeah, me too, I’ve been feeling like that for the last EIGHT years.”
Then you swear and reach for your gun. Good thing I don’t own one.
Well, that’s what’s burdening my mind these days. Tomorrow, I’ll see a case manager about getting help on my job search. I hope it goes well.
My hope is that it truly is the end of my reproductive days. It sucks to be tired all the time, but it is better than having Mother Nature surprise you with her dirty business every 20+ days.
I must say, though, that the concern is hindering the beginning of my job search. I don’t know why I am so preoccupied about it, when it is such a natural thing. OK, I’ll admit it. There is 1% possibility that I could be pregnant. Cheap me doesn’t want to spend the $3.95 for a pregnancy test. Maybe I should try the dollar store and get it over with.
Today my sister gave me a hpt, expired by two months. I will try it tomorrow, and it will be negative. But it will be good to know for sure. Yes, I’m sure, because I just don’t feel pregnant at all. There are other changes that I experienced when I’ve been pregnant that just aren’t happening.
I also have a doctor’s appointment for next week. I don’t know what I will tell her. “Hey, I thought I’d let you know that I’ve missed my last three, and I’m not pregnant.”
Or maybe I’ll say, “Care to check me for Osteoporosis? I am lactose intolerant and menopausal. Maybe there is something I should be doing to prevent the O thing.”
The worse part of being menopausal is that when you look for symptoms on the Internet, you land on forums where they do discuss your issues. And you find comments like, “Yeah, me too, I’ve been feeling like that for the last EIGHT years.”
Then you swear and reach for your gun. Good thing I don’t own one.
Well, that’s what’s burdening my mind these days. Tomorrow, I’ll see a case manager about getting help on my job search. I hope it goes well.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Oh my gosh! How Negative
I use affirmations for behaviour modification and to stay positive.
Yesterday, I was writing affirmations when I came to the issue of respect. So I wrote, “I respect all people.”
Then I realized that I do respect some people, but I do have issues in that area. Then I thought I should be more specific and started to write a list of all the folks I have trouble respecting.
I wrote,
So, I wrote the list, and then I realized a couple of things: (1) I have a problem respecting most people, and (2) I have a problem respecting myself, since I often display some of those behaviours, too. No wonder I have so much trouble liking myself. The problem with being judgmental is that as we judge others we judge ourselves.
I don’t know what’s first, if respect for self or respect for others, but I do have my work cut out for me.
Another issue I’m working on is keeping my opinions to myself. So I wrote the affirmation, “I keep my opinions to myself.”
About an hour ago, while watching a curling match, I noticed a Canadian player’s sweater. “She looks like a hospital worker,” I thought. And I noticed that at the moment I had the thought, I actually pictured myself saying that.
In the following ten minutes, I found myself in the same situation with other aspects of the game: their looks, their play, etc.
It has never been so abundantly clear to me how negative my thoughts are. I see good stuff, too, and again I picture myself telling somebody that so-and-so is a great player.
I will never be perfect, I know, but at least I need to learn to keep my opinions to myself. Let’s face it, negative or not, most people don’t care what I think. So my quest, then, is to picture myself keeping my opinions private. It ain’t going to be easy.
Yesterday, I was writing affirmations when I came to the issue of respect. So I wrote, “I respect all people.”
Then I realized that I do respect some people, but I do have issues in that area. Then I thought I should be more specific and started to write a list of all the folks I have trouble respecting.
I wrote,
I respect the annoying, the hurtful, the racist, the misogynist, the rude, the conversation hogger, the know-it-all, the backstabber, the gossiper, the hypocrite, the show-off, the snob, the religious-fanatic, the bully, the controlling, the insistent, the naïve, the ignorant, the disrespectful, the telemarketer, the patronizing, the opinionated, the co-dependent …
So, I wrote the list, and then I realized a couple of things: (1) I have a problem respecting most people, and (2) I have a problem respecting myself, since I often display some of those behaviours, too. No wonder I have so much trouble liking myself. The problem with being judgmental is that as we judge others we judge ourselves.
I don’t know what’s first, if respect for self or respect for others, but I do have my work cut out for me.
Another issue I’m working on is keeping my opinions to myself. So I wrote the affirmation, “I keep my opinions to myself.”
About an hour ago, while watching a curling match, I noticed a Canadian player’s sweater. “She looks like a hospital worker,” I thought. And I noticed that at the moment I had the thought, I actually pictured myself saying that.
In the following ten minutes, I found myself in the same situation with other aspects of the game: their looks, their play, etc.
It has never been so abundantly clear to me how negative my thoughts are. I see good stuff, too, and again I picture myself telling somebody that so-and-so is a great player.
I will never be perfect, I know, but at least I need to learn to keep my opinions to myself. Let’s face it, negative or not, most people don’t care what I think. So my quest, then, is to picture myself keeping my opinions private. It ain’t going to be easy.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Godless Positive Thinking
The problem I've found with positive thinking is not the concept itself. Yes, positive people do better in life. Yes, negative, grumpy, disagreeable people carry a black cloud over their heads and others tend to leave the room when they show up. True it is harder for such people to make it in life, with such a bad attitude--I used to be just like that, I know.
The problem I have with the concept is that when things go well for a positive-thinking person, certain people attribute the good fortune to specific magical powers of the universe, or god, or whatever.
But the truth is a simple one: positive people are fun to have around, and that's enough to help them do better in life.
I found an article which summarizes really well how I feel about positive thinking. Here is a portion of it.
I'm trying to be positive these days, to not let life circumstances drag me down. That's why the issue keeps popping up in my mind.
The problem I have with the concept is that when things go well for a positive-thinking person, certain people attribute the good fortune to specific magical powers of the universe, or god, or whatever.
But the truth is a simple one: positive people are fun to have around, and that's enough to help them do better in life.
I found an article which summarizes really well how I feel about positive thinking. Here is a portion of it.
Is there any magic employed here? No, it is all natural. When the attitude is positive we entertain pleasant feelings and constructive images, and see in our mind's eye what we really want to happen. This brings brightness to the eyes, more energy and happiness. The whole being broadcasts good will, happiness and success. Even the health is affected in a beneficial way. We walk tall and the voice is more powerful. Our body language shows the way you feel inside.
I'm trying to be positive these days, to not let life circumstances drag me down. That's why the issue keeps popping up in my mind.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Time to Face my Fears
I was going through a list of posted jobs, sequentially, and found two that almost had my name of them.
That was 24 hours ago and I haven’t done anything about it. Why? Because I am on the ground fiercely fighting my fears. What fears?
What will I say on the interview? So Mrs. A, why have you been away from the workforce for so long? Can you work in a team, Mrs. A? Can you work under pressure?
I am also afraid that my strong personality will turn employers off. I’m afraid that they’ll be afraid to offer me a “meager” salary, given that I used to be a hot-shot programmer.
I have fear, after fear, after fear. The good news is that I have no choice. I’m that bird standing on the edge of the nest knowing that if she doesn’t throw herself into the air and starts flying, mommy will push her, and she’ll have to fly anyway.
I suppose that I will have to tell myself that the first few interviews and resumes will just be practice runs, that it will be so until I land a job.
So Mrs. A., why haven’t you work for so long? Because I was scare s*less.
OK, enough of that. I will work on my resume now.
That was 24 hours ago and I haven’t done anything about it. Why? Because I am on the ground fiercely fighting my fears. What fears?
What will I say on the interview? So Mrs. A, why have you been away from the workforce for so long? Can you work in a team, Mrs. A? Can you work under pressure?
I am also afraid that my strong personality will turn employers off. I’m afraid that they’ll be afraid to offer me a “meager” salary, given that I used to be a hot-shot programmer.
I have fear, after fear, after fear. The good news is that I have no choice. I’m that bird standing on the edge of the nest knowing that if she doesn’t throw herself into the air and starts flying, mommy will push her, and she’ll have to fly anyway.
I suppose that I will have to tell myself that the first few interviews and resumes will just be practice runs, that it will be so until I land a job.
So Mrs. A., why haven’t you work for so long? Because I was scare s*less.
OK, enough of that. I will work on my resume now.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Morning Meditation
I have finished the wonderful website I was doing, and now I really have to look for work. I called a government agency that helps folks with that sort of “problem” and made an appointment for a week today—the earliest one they had.
In the meantime, I am going to be researching what I can do. I was thinking that I can probably try to get a job at a liquor store. If I see Christians there, they won’t be able to tell anyone they met me at the liquor store.
I have “meditated” two days in a row. Done my way, meditation feels wonderful.
First I relax, telling my major body parts to relax. Then, with my eyes closed and deeply concentrated, I start stating everything I want with “I” statements. In other words, I say affirmations but I don’t prepare them or read them. I say what I want to accomplish, from the depths of my soul.
For instance, I’ve been saying that I have a job, that I can easily handle the pressures of employment, that I know how to relax in times of distress.
To me, there is nothing mystical or weird about that. It is entirely practical. If I want to change the way I think, I need to reprogram myself, and what better way that brainwashing myself to believe I’m already the person I want to become?
A lot of that stuff I learned while visiting pagan churches, Unity and Science of Mind. But when I was in their midst, I failed to understand their language. For instance, for dealing with difficult people, they always told me to speak to others’ Higher Self.
Excuse me, but if you tell me that, you have to define Higher Self. They all have their own definitions and nothing made sense to me. They mangle it up with the idea that we’re all god, and end up saying that I’m talking to god, because they’re god. The “G” word turned me off right away.
Recently, I told my counselor that I had finally understood the concept. I said to her, “Higher Self is the pure, intact person I was before life screwed me up.” She agreed.
Today during meditation, I had another breakthrough. I realized that regardless of a person’s outward appearance, deep down inside most people are good in their core, as exemplified by how everybody helps during emergencies. If when I talk to people I oversee the stuff that bothers me and remember that deep down there is another person who is pure and good, I can deal with them better. I can appeal to that side of them and be more successful.
That is important to me, because there is too much that annoys me about people, and I tend to let their outer shell define how I treat them. If I know that the outer shell is there for a reason, and that they have a core of goodness, I can relate to them with more faith and hope.
Also during meditation, I’ve been telling myself that I can do it. That I have what it takes to find a job. That I deserve one. That somebody out there needs my skills, and I will find out who that is.
If anything else, meditating in the morning keeps me hopeful. I love it and hope that I will have the discipline to stick to it.
In the meantime, I am going to be researching what I can do. I was thinking that I can probably try to get a job at a liquor store. If I see Christians there, they won’t be able to tell anyone they met me at the liquor store.
I have “meditated” two days in a row. Done my way, meditation feels wonderful.
First I relax, telling my major body parts to relax. Then, with my eyes closed and deeply concentrated, I start stating everything I want with “I” statements. In other words, I say affirmations but I don’t prepare them or read them. I say what I want to accomplish, from the depths of my soul.
For instance, I’ve been saying that I have a job, that I can easily handle the pressures of employment, that I know how to relax in times of distress.
To me, there is nothing mystical or weird about that. It is entirely practical. If I want to change the way I think, I need to reprogram myself, and what better way that brainwashing myself to believe I’m already the person I want to become?
A lot of that stuff I learned while visiting pagan churches, Unity and Science of Mind. But when I was in their midst, I failed to understand their language. For instance, for dealing with difficult people, they always told me to speak to others’ Higher Self.
Excuse me, but if you tell me that, you have to define Higher Self. They all have their own definitions and nothing made sense to me. They mangle it up with the idea that we’re all god, and end up saying that I’m talking to god, because they’re god. The “G” word turned me off right away.
Recently, I told my counselor that I had finally understood the concept. I said to her, “Higher Self is the pure, intact person I was before life screwed me up.” She agreed.
Today during meditation, I had another breakthrough. I realized that regardless of a person’s outward appearance, deep down inside most people are good in their core, as exemplified by how everybody helps during emergencies. If when I talk to people I oversee the stuff that bothers me and remember that deep down there is another person who is pure and good, I can deal with them better. I can appeal to that side of them and be more successful.
That is important to me, because there is too much that annoys me about people, and I tend to let their outer shell define how I treat them. If I know that the outer shell is there for a reason, and that they have a core of goodness, I can relate to them with more faith and hope.
Also during meditation, I’ve been telling myself that I can do it. That I have what it takes to find a job. That I deserve one. That somebody out there needs my skills, and I will find out who that is.
If anything else, meditating in the morning keeps me hopeful. I love it and hope that I will have the discipline to stick to it.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
My Own Pep Talk
I don’t like to preach, but often, when I see folks acting out and doing crazy stuff, I wish I could talk to them, open their eyes, and help them see what really is important in life.
I wish I could tell them to stop playing the audience, to do what they love, as long as they’re respecting others. I’d like them to understand that others aren’t too interested in what we’re doing. Rightfully so, others care about their own affairs and, often, we’re the last thing in their minds.
I want some of my friends to understand that the best things in life are free, and that happiness is a state of mind not a state of having, and that success does not guarantee contentment.
I look at some folks, notice their potential, and desire to make them understand that what’s in their minds is what traces their path. If they think they’re losers, they will always be losers. If they think they can’t get, they’ll never have.
I’ve been pondering these ideas for so long, that when I interact socially, those are the thoughts I entertain. I am always thinking of how much more of life people could get if they followed my “gospel.”
It is time for me to listen to my own pep talk. I need to practice what I would preach were I a preacher. There is hope for me yet. I’ve been hearing those messages as they apply to my situation--most of them, anyway.
I don’t know what potential I have left. But I’ve been playing for the last few years. Something I never did even as a child. Now that I’ve accumulated sweet wonderful memories that I was missing from my repertoire, I am ready to face life again.
So I will. I may need to upgrade my skills a little before I can find suitable work, but I am not afraid. I’m thinking of finding some part time job while I take classes so I can get a much better job. I think it will happen, and I’m excited. So here we go.
I wish I could tell them to stop playing the audience, to do what they love, as long as they’re respecting others. I’d like them to understand that others aren’t too interested in what we’re doing. Rightfully so, others care about their own affairs and, often, we’re the last thing in their minds.
I want some of my friends to understand that the best things in life are free, and that happiness is a state of mind not a state of having, and that success does not guarantee contentment.
I look at some folks, notice their potential, and desire to make them understand that what’s in their minds is what traces their path. If they think they’re losers, they will always be losers. If they think they can’t get, they’ll never have.
I’ve been pondering these ideas for so long, that when I interact socially, those are the thoughts I entertain. I am always thinking of how much more of life people could get if they followed my “gospel.”
It is time for me to listen to my own pep talk. I need to practice what I would preach were I a preacher. There is hope for me yet. I’ve been hearing those messages as they apply to my situation--most of them, anyway.
I don’t know what potential I have left. But I’ve been playing for the last few years. Something I never did even as a child. Now that I’ve accumulated sweet wonderful memories that I was missing from my repertoire, I am ready to face life again.
So I will. I may need to upgrade my skills a little before I can find suitable work, but I am not afraid. I’m thinking of finding some part time job while I take classes so I can get a much better job. I think it will happen, and I’m excited. So here we go.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Recording my feelings - Day 3
I am feeling OK today. It seems that we have been in limbo for so long, that the shock of his unemployment isn't new at all. It's just business as usual.
Before knowing that he would be unemployed, I was already concerned about my professional future, knowing that I needed to go back out there, and that I had to decide what to do when that happened. I'm still not sure, so I continue to ponder. But I have some ideas that I will pursue.
The gist of it is that, in my eyes, feeling good is up to me. I know that lots of people in the world have mortgages or rent to pay, and that they live from pay cheque to pay cheque. We don't. We have no debt of any kind. And knowing that helps. It is very comforting. Actually, just writing that felt really good. Maybe I should write it again.
The pressure I had before to go back to the workforce is the same pressure I feel today. No changes there.
My husband will have to deal with his own feelings and unemployment any way he chooses to. But I am determined not to worry. As I said, lots of people would be on the street without a pay cheque. We won't. I need to learn to appreciate my blessings.
I have always put way too much emphasis on material possessions for my happiness. That's an area where I haven't improved at all, that fear of being poor and needy. I need to let go of that. I need to move to a place of expecting good things, financial or not.
In spite of it all, I am thankful for the dream of a new house. When you have it all, you stop dreaming. And dreaming of a better house may propel me to leave the sofa and to get out there to use my many skills and qualifications.
In a way, I've been wishing for something to jump start me on the path of a new career. I've got it. I need to have a job so I can contribute my abilities, stop depending on my husband's salary for our financial survival, save more for our retirement, and buy a better house.
I just hope that the drive won't die. That I will keep going no matter what. That I won't let anything defeat me.
It is sad that my husband's dream has to die so mine can start to develop. But I do hope that he can get himself a great job where he will be more appreciated and respected than he was at his current one.
As for the deep pain and despair that I feel once in a while, I will continue to make a conscious effort to acknowledge it and let it be when it comes. I just have to give my body the change to purge out the fear, so it won't make me physically ill.
Here is hoping that my body will hold up through this ordeal.
Before knowing that he would be unemployed, I was already concerned about my professional future, knowing that I needed to go back out there, and that I had to decide what to do when that happened. I'm still not sure, so I continue to ponder. But I have some ideas that I will pursue.
The gist of it is that, in my eyes, feeling good is up to me. I know that lots of people in the world have mortgages or rent to pay, and that they live from pay cheque to pay cheque. We don't. We have no debt of any kind. And knowing that helps. It is very comforting. Actually, just writing that felt really good. Maybe I should write it again.
The pressure I had before to go back to the workforce is the same pressure I feel today. No changes there.
My husband will have to deal with his own feelings and unemployment any way he chooses to. But I am determined not to worry. As I said, lots of people would be on the street without a pay cheque. We won't. I need to learn to appreciate my blessings.
I have always put way too much emphasis on material possessions for my happiness. That's an area where I haven't improved at all, that fear of being poor and needy. I need to let go of that. I need to move to a place of expecting good things, financial or not.
In spite of it all, I am thankful for the dream of a new house. When you have it all, you stop dreaming. And dreaming of a better house may propel me to leave the sofa and to get out there to use my many skills and qualifications.
In a way, I've been wishing for something to jump start me on the path of a new career. I've got it. I need to have a job so I can contribute my abilities, stop depending on my husband's salary for our financial survival, save more for our retirement, and buy a better house.
I just hope that the drive won't die. That I will keep going no matter what. That I won't let anything defeat me.
It is sad that my husband's dream has to die so mine can start to develop. But I do hope that he can get himself a great job where he will be more appreciated and respected than he was at his current one.
As for the deep pain and despair that I feel once in a while, I will continue to make a conscious effort to acknowledge it and let it be when it comes. I just have to give my body the change to purge out the fear, so it won't make me physically ill.
Here is hoping that my body will hold up through this ordeal.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Recording my feelings - Day 2
Slept surprisingly well. No tears at all. Had vivid dreams of our prime minister. He and I moved in the same work environment. I saw him all the time, though I never did talk to him.
I couldn't sleep after 7 am. But I am so ready to attack my next project, the job search. I still need to finish a website I'm working on, but I will look for work, too. Interestingly enough, my only fear is that I will become complaisant and not look for work.
Here is my wish: I want to be motivated enough to tirelessly look for work, yet positive enough to be happy in spite of the situation. I want to be confident. I suppose I want to take the fear away without taking the urge away. But, can that be done?
10:28 am I just came up with an affirmation that I plan to repeat in my head.
"I will enjoy life in spite of it all." Yes, I will. There is enough money in the bank to feed us for a few years yet.
I couldn't sleep after 7 am. But I am so ready to attack my next project, the job search. I still need to finish a website I'm working on, but I will look for work, too. Interestingly enough, my only fear is that I will become complaisant and not look for work.
Here is my wish: I want to be motivated enough to tirelessly look for work, yet positive enough to be happy in spite of the situation. I want to be confident. I suppose I want to take the fear away without taking the urge away. But, can that be done?
10:28 am I just came up with an affirmation that I plan to repeat in my head.
"I will enjoy life in spite of it all." Yes, I will. There is enough money in the bank to feed us for a few years yet.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Keeping Record of My Developing Feelings
I will edit this post every once in a while. So that I can read it later, months later, and see how I was feeling at the time.
Day 1
=====
1:30 pm
I will find a job, no matter how hard I have to work at it.
2:00 pm
This is horrible. Nobody wants us. The world is against us. We will never find jobs. We will have to sell our house, move to an apartment, and be destitute for the rest of our lives.
2:30 pm
This is my opportunity to get out there and get back to where I was before it all fell apart on me. I will be back. People who want jobs find jobs.
3:00 pm
I don't feel I have the right to enjoy life. How can I enjoy life not knowing where our income is going to be coming from?
3:30 pm
Heck, life goes on. I will enjoy what's there to enjoy and life will take care of itself.
3:45 pm - Feeling hopeless again, like at 2:00 pm.
4:30 pm - This is great a new beginning. That job was going to pay him too low any way. Now we can roll up our sleeves and find work we deserve.
5:30 pm - Sad. So sad. I feel like crying, again. But I am determined to not let his ruin my life. I will force myself to have fun. There are lots of things to do for free. Cooking us a spaghetti dinner to celebrate our new beginning.
7:00 pm Now it's really hitting me. The job market is difficult right now, and finding a job won't be easy at all. I am feeling the pain right now, in my gut. It won't go away. I may cry myself to sleep.
Day 1
=====
1:30 pm
I will find a job, no matter how hard I have to work at it.
2:00 pm
This is horrible. Nobody wants us. The world is against us. We will never find jobs. We will have to sell our house, move to an apartment, and be destitute for the rest of our lives.
2:30 pm
This is my opportunity to get out there and get back to where I was before it all fell apart on me. I will be back. People who want jobs find jobs.
3:00 pm
I don't feel I have the right to enjoy life. How can I enjoy life not knowing where our income is going to be coming from?
3:30 pm
Heck, life goes on. I will enjoy what's there to enjoy and life will take care of itself.
3:45 pm - Feeling hopeless again, like at 2:00 pm.
4:30 pm - This is great a new beginning. That job was going to pay him too low any way. Now we can roll up our sleeves and find work we deserve.
5:30 pm - Sad. So sad. I feel like crying, again. But I am determined to not let his ruin my life. I will force myself to have fun. There are lots of things to do for free. Cooking us a spaghetti dinner to celebrate our new beginning.
7:00 pm Now it's really hitting me. The job market is difficult right now, and finding a job won't be easy at all. I am feeling the pain right now, in my gut. It won't go away. I may cry myself to sleep.
Husband lost his job
My husband lost his job. We weren’t expecting that at all. And now, we move on.
I just found out about 15 minutes ago, and every second my mood changes. I haven’t been able to cry yet, but I wish I could.
One second I’m angry at the people who mislead us to believe he would have the job, the next one I’m happy that we finally know. He worked there for five years and we never knew from one year to the next.
I don’t know what’s going to happen, but one thing is for sure, my idle days are over. I’m going to have to get out there and find a job. The house sale, of course, is postponed until after he finds a job, as if worse comes to worse, we’ll have to relocate. I think we should keep doing what we were doing house-cleaning wise, and be ready for whatever.
Our savings are OK and we will be fine for a while, a long while. My husband’s communication’s skills are so poor that it is difficult for him to find work. Let’s hope that mine are better and that at least I will find a job.
I can feel the lump moving up to my throat now, so I may be able to shed a few tears. It wouldn’t hurt me at all.
I just found out about 15 minutes ago, and every second my mood changes. I haven’t been able to cry yet, but I wish I could.
One second I’m angry at the people who mislead us to believe he would have the job, the next one I’m happy that we finally know. He worked there for five years and we never knew from one year to the next.
I don’t know what’s going to happen, but one thing is for sure, my idle days are over. I’m going to have to get out there and find a job. The house sale, of course, is postponed until after he finds a job, as if worse comes to worse, we’ll have to relocate. I think we should keep doing what we were doing house-cleaning wise, and be ready for whatever.
Our savings are OK and we will be fine for a while, a long while. My husband’s communication’s skills are so poor that it is difficult for him to find work. Let’s hope that mine are better and that at least I will find a job.
I can feel the lump moving up to my throat now, so I may be able to shed a few tears. It wouldn’t hurt me at all.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
House, Again
I guess we’re thinking of selling in May, and now the work starts, since well, as you could see on the Vancouver Olympics broadcast, we didn’t get a winter here. Mild weather and the end of the Olympics was the deadline. Spring has arrived, early, and I actually hired a stager to tell us how to change our home to make it better. Those were the best $125 CND ever spent.
She told us what colour to paint the house, how to place the furniture, how to stage the bedrooms, what stuff to remove, etc. And by using her name we get 30% off on the paint. I’m thinking that the paint discount will pay her fee.
Anyhow, Now I have my hands full. So full it isn’t funny. I have to finish power washing the fence, and then I have to stain it. I also have to paint the shed and the sundeck. Weeds need removing, flower beds need to be weeded and improved, etc. I have weeks of work just on the backyard.
The three outside doors and mouldings need to be painted—thank goodness the garage door got painted recently, as did the woodwork around windows and such. It's also great that the vinyl siding doesn’t require painting.
Inside, we have to paint all walls and some baseboards and fix the kitchen cabinets, as some of them are peeling off. The upstairs carpet, that looks like an old kitchen rug, needs to go, and I must figure out what to switch to. My husband will do his half when he comes home from work everyday.
It is good to be busy, though. I’m actually having fun, and houses do need to be taken care of. So I am glad this one is getting a facelift. Wish me luck! Selling a house for the first time is an adventure and a learning experience.
She told us what colour to paint the house, how to place the furniture, how to stage the bedrooms, what stuff to remove, etc. And by using her name we get 30% off on the paint. I’m thinking that the paint discount will pay her fee.
Anyhow, Now I have my hands full. So full it isn’t funny. I have to finish power washing the fence, and then I have to stain it. I also have to paint the shed and the sundeck. Weeds need removing, flower beds need to be weeded and improved, etc. I have weeks of work just on the backyard.
The three outside doors and mouldings need to be painted—thank goodness the garage door got painted recently, as did the woodwork around windows and such. It's also great that the vinyl siding doesn’t require painting.
Inside, we have to paint all walls and some baseboards and fix the kitchen cabinets, as some of them are peeling off. The upstairs carpet, that looks like an old kitchen rug, needs to go, and I must figure out what to switch to. My husband will do his half when he comes home from work everyday.
It is good to be busy, though. I’m actually having fun, and houses do need to be taken care of. So I am glad this one is getting a facelift. Wish me luck! Selling a house for the first time is an adventure and a learning experience.
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