So I am between a rock and a hard place. I stopped working awhile ago thinking that I would straighten my life out and then get a job. Now, after two years of school and a few personal disasters, I still don't know what to do.
The theory of abundance tells me that I can visualize anything I want and that the universe will somehow bring it about for me. Well, that's great. I believe it, because when I look back to the major events of my life, they were all dreamed about. Almost everything that I have accomplished--or destroyed--started and built up with thoughts, so I have no problems believing that thoughts are energy which create one's reality.
The problem is that having been a Christian for the first 40 years of my life rendered me incapable of dreaming or planning my future. All those years I basically lived randomly; that is, not knowing that my thoughts create my reality, I thought whatever I wanted, and then obtained the results of those thoughts--good or bad.
Now that I know I can live with a purpose thinking the right thoughts and reaping the rewards, I don't know what to dream about. Anthony Robins and all the motivational speakers say I should dream of riches, of trips to Hawaii, and luxury homes.
Well, I don't feel like having those dreams. My only dream is to be happy. I dream of the day when I won't feel guilty about anything, when I will have a clear conscience. I also dream of having people to love and be loved by.
My problem is that all the motivational speakers assume that what a person needs is financial prosperity. But that's not what I need. I need emotional prosperity. I need to be strong and healthy inside. I want to be able to have friends that I can count on. I want to be counted on by others too.
Most people in my life, however, starting with my relatives, don't want to love me or be loved by me. They want a piece of me. They think I am rich and that I am fare game--if they need money, I should give it to them. if I don't give them any, they hate me.
Are there such people in the world who are willing to love me expecting nothing from me? I suppose for most people, those are the relatives. Most people have a mother who loves them just the way they are, but I don't have that. My siblings hate me, and I don't hate them, but I am sick and tired of them hating me. I don't want to be around them.
The trouble is, then, that I am unable to get love and acceptance from the places most people get it. Not only do they not love me, but they also dislike me. So, I am in the red when it comes to that. Completely in the red.
Aquaintances and friends can only give me a little, because their relatives consume it all: their time, their energy, and their love.
So basically, I am out in the cold having only me and my husband to love me. I suppose I am lucky. Other people like me are out there getting high or drunk, repeatedly attempting suicide, and unable to function in society.
I must admit that I am a close second behind them. I haven't tried to kill myself, but I think about it occassionally. I haven't been able to work in years, and I've been addicted to food.
It appears that in spite of it all, I've done my best to survive--though I feel as if hanging by a piece of thread. I am supposed to repeat affirmations that say, "I love myself," but it doesn't pan out so good.
How does a person with so little in the emotional "bank account" goes out to the workforce and takes the bullshit, the pressure, and the competition? How? It is a dog fight out there, and I am afraid of it.
There are miles and miles from here to being able to choose an occupation. I hope my higher self has something to say about it, because if she doesn't, she is not worthy of being called my higher self.
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3 comments:
There are two books you can read.
1- Creative Visualization-
Shakti Gawain
2- The Magic Of Believing-
Claude M. Bristol
You should treat them the
way you did the bible before,
because if you really take
them seriously, they will
change your life.
i haven't read those books the other commenter recommends, and i don't have any suggestions either. i wonder if you still feel this way, now years later. i can relate. i used to feel like i consistently drew "takers" and "leeches" to me. i spent so much time with people and it was all about them. i still find myself in this situation sometimes, but it's much better than it used to be. i definitely think finding balanced people is important, people who give to you and so you don't mind giving back, and i certainly don't mean money. i don't have any friends or relatives (*anymore*) who seem to try to get money from me. avoid those like the plague i say. some people out there really are just out for themselves i think. can think of nothing else. are functioning at a base level of survival.
i'm glad you have more distance from your family now, it sounds like you do from what i read yesterday.
Nowadays, I find those books too "evangelical" or preachy or dogmatic. They do say a lot of things without factual evidence.
Well, yes, since that post, I gave my family the finger. I am just tired of everybody wanting a piece of me.
They want my approval. Everybody wants to hear me say that they're pretty, good looking, great cooks, or whatever.
I try but it is too much a burden for me. They should find other people to indulge their ego. I ain't God. I am a person who is tired of giving and needs to receive.
My relatives think that I don't have any needs and seek to get what they need from me. How wrong they are.
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