Make a decision to ... Control

Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Deepak Chopra

Actually, I am not really a follower of Deepak Chopra, but he has some great quotes. This one was hanging around Twitter this Sunday morning, and it outlines my greatest desires for personal growth.

My first reaction to it was, "Easier said than done."

But then I thought, "Good standards to have and excellent goals to aspire to."

Giving up the need to control is one goal I have managed to make some progress on. The need seems to arise when people are involved in self-defeating behaviours and, according to me, if they did what I wanted they would be so much better off.

I've been right a few times when I've acted on my controlling impulses, but more often than not I've been wrong, mostly because what I perceive as a difficulty doesn't seem so in the eyes of the person with the "problem," the eyes that matter, as it turns out.

Often people don't want what I think they do. For instance, if a friend is complaining about her boyfriend, I may think that she needs to be urged to leave the guy, because he isn't good for her.

In reality, though, she will only leave the man when she wants to, regardless of what I say. What she wants is to be heard and nothing else. If I speak against the guy, what she'll likely do is go tell him everything I said, so as to convince him that he's acting incorrectly, because what she really wants is to change him, not to leave him.

As for me, when I am able to catch myself trying to change a person or a situation and can talk myself out of acting out, I feel like the whole world has been taken off my shoulders. I managed to put together a number of phrases I tell myself when tempted to take back my old controlling behaviours.

"I am not in charge. This isn't my problem. Might as well relax and enjoy myself."

"I am NOT in charge of the whole world. I am not God. If I die today, the world will continue to go around just fine."

"I can't change this person. Changing is a personal decision that only the subject can make."

"I can either ruin my day by taking on responsibilities that aren't my own, or I can enjoy myself and let things be as they will."

" He (my husband) is too old to change. I have to accept him as he is and not let his idiosyncrasies bother me."

"People rarely change. And they only do so when faced with tragedy or major life changing events. At the very least, he/she will certainly not change because I say so."

"Accepting things as they are and making the best of this situation is a lot easier and less stressful than manipulating things to be my way."

"I know I can fix this problem, but in the end no-one will thank me. Instead, they will resent me for being manipulative, controlling, and hard to please."

"If the people in charge don't care that this is a mess, why should I?"

"It would be ridiculous to try to rescue a person who is unaware of his/her need to be saved."

"Don't I already have enough issues in my own life that need work? It is better for all involved if I let others figure out their own issues"

"Life changes people better than I can. I choose to let others evolve at their ow pace."

"Often what I think isn't enough is people's best shot at giving me what they think I want. I choose to be grateful for their imperfect efforts rather than noticing their short comings."

"Trying to fix people and situations is stressful and counter productive. I focus on my own issues for the sake of my health and my all around well-being."

"Going around setting rules and regulations for others to follow only made me enemies. If I let things be, I'll have more friends."

Tagged

I was tagged by Starryeyed, and I decided to respond right away. The questions are great, and in a few months I can look back and see what I was feeling like today. So here we go.

1. What's for dinner? Tofu a la king, steamed rice, creamy coleslaw
   
2. What's the last thing you bought? Weekly vegetable and fruit supply
3. What are you listening to right now? The Colbert Report
   
4. What do you think about the person who tagged you? One of the most evolved women I know.
   
5. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be? Southern Spain, Seville, maybe.
   
6. What's the principle you live life by? Come on Lorena! Let's not give up. Let's keep trying.
7. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? San Salvador, El Salvador, Central America.
   
8. Which language do you want to learn? German & French, so I can read signs at museums in the parts of Europe where those languages are spoken.
9. What's your favourite quote? "Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear" Thomas Jefferson.
10. Who do you want to meet right now? No one in particular -- I'd love to see my nephew, though.
    
11. What is your favourite colour? Pink
12. What is your favourite piece of clothing in your own closet? Three loose, 100% cotton, elastic waste band pants that I bought on sale in Reno.
13. What is your dream job? No idea. Perhaps a job in which I use my computer and writing skills to solve unimaginable problems.
14. What's your favourite magazine? Sorry, don't read magazines!
15. If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on? A few movies/mini-series of Jane Austen books that I don't have, like the latest version of Persuasion.
    
16. What do you consider a fashion faux pas? Fat women wearing tight clothes
    
17. Describe your personal style? Extremely casual. Usually wear pants or shorts, stretchy, fitted tops, and casual shoes or runners.
    
18. What are you going to do after this? Will watch Criminal Minds
19. What are your favourite movies? Nothing pops to mind. But I love a couple of Jayne Eyre versions and the Pride & Prejudice mini-series
20. Which is your favourite poem? Sorry, not into poetry, but if I had to pick something, I would probably go for the lyrics of a Spanish song--more into music than poetry.
21. What inspires you? Successful people who don't necessarily make lots of money but who make money doing what they love.
    
22. What do you carry in your bag? phone, wallet, change purse, sun glasses, appointment book, lactose digestive enzyme, receipts.
    
23. Coffee or tea? Herbal tea
    
24. What do you do when you're feeling low or terribly depressed? It's been a while, but I would be likely to watch my Jane Austen-based movies.
    
25. What is the meaning of your name? In real life, my name means Lois. If you care to, you can find my name by reading this Bible verse in Spanish. Mine is the second name in that verse, if you can make it out.
26. Which other blogs do you love visiting? Too many to list
    
27. Favourite dessert/sweet? Salvadorean pastries, fried plantains
    
28. Favourite season? Winter, I sleep better when it's cold
    
29. If I come to your house now what will you cook for me? Steak. It's easy. But I won't eat with you. Vegetarian these days.
    
30. What's your current mood? Peaceful
31. Which feature of yours do you like the most? My brain.
    

The Problem with Trying to Please People is …

That the ones we are trying to please aren’t worth it. The worthy ones don’t need to be impressed. They like us anyway.


So I spent nine days attending a tennis tournament daily. Our local tourney is played at the top-notch country club in the whole province and is quite possibly one of the best in the country. It is located in the area where the millionaires live. For example, everyone knows that the guy that owns the biggest chain of supermarkets and car dealerships—among other things—lives right there. Hollywood stars like Oprah have been known to own properties in that neighbourhood, too.

Not surprisingly, then, many tourney’s attendees lived in the neighbourhood. They were not dressed scandalously. In fact, if you see them at the mall, you would never think they make more than $40K a year, since wearing designer’s clothes and looking like a million bucks isn’t a priority for them. They’re worth at least a million, so why would they want to look it?

With my dry sense of humour, I was able to meet many of these folks, totally ignoring who they were, until it was casually mentioned later on the conversation that, say, they would go home for dinner—just up the street—and come back for the evening session.

One of my best buddies I met when I arrived early to a match, and the only other fan was her. “Oh, we have a crowd of two,” I said. She smiled.

“Are you cheering for the German guy?” I asked and she nodded. “I am cheering for the Latino. So, obviously the crowd is divided. Do you want to try a wave?”

I went on to sit with her for a few days. I found out that she’s been a club member for many years and that she is a tennis champ in her age category. She never once flaunted her financial superiority, only telling me that she goes to Wimbledon and other tournaments regularly because I asked.

I also observed other people, and talked to many others. Being the friendly Latina that I am, I usually start conversations even when I promise I will leave my neighbours alone.

So, I figured out a pattern. The pompous ones that wore designer clothes, expensive purses, and high heels were anything but club members, knew little about tennis, were stuck up and unfriendly, and seemed to be out of their league. In short, they weren’t rich people, they were puffed up wannabes.

In real life—as in not in a tennis tournament—the wannabes are the ones who make me feel inadequate, inferior, out of place, ugly, and underdressed. They’re the ones I feel I have to impress or compete with or please.

Of course, even though the topic here is affluence, the situation translates to all areas of life. The ones that try really hard to look smart aren’t the real thing either.

But my point isn’t to criticize those poor souls that feel so inferior that need to pretend to be something they’re not. My point is that I shouldn’t allow them to fool me. If anything, I probably should have compassion on them.

My sister for instance, likes to urge me to wear designer clothes and buy only leather shoes. The last time I said, “Why on earth would I want to wear designer clothes?”

I know that she has a million inadequacies and that she’s always trying to make herself superior to me and others. But I also need to remember that the real people, in any arena, aren’t necessarily the ones that look the part.

I want others accept me as I am, not for my appearance, and should afford others the same privilege. Furthermore, I shouldn’t be out there trying to impress anyone, because good, down-to-earth people will or will not be impressed by the real me, not what I appear to be.

The best way to go, I think, is to be who I am and let others like me—or not—based on what they experience or feel about me, not based on self-promotion (or demotion) or my hairdo, my purse, or my shoes.

This past week I was judged over my friendliness, and I seem to have done very well. I’m pretty sure some thought I was obnoxious and loud, which doesn’t mean I am obnoxious, it means they’re judgmental, intolerant, and possibly racist.