Make a decision to ... Control

Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Deepak Chopra

Actually, I am not really a follower of Deepak Chopra, but he has some great quotes. This one was hanging around Twitter this Sunday morning, and it outlines my greatest desires for personal growth.

My first reaction to it was, "Easier said than done."

But then I thought, "Good standards to have and excellent goals to aspire to."

Giving up the need to control is one goal I have managed to make some progress on. The need seems to arise when people are involved in self-defeating behaviours and, according to me, if they did what I wanted they would be so much better off.

I've been right a few times when I've acted on my controlling impulses, but more often than not I've been wrong, mostly because what I perceive as a difficulty doesn't seem so in the eyes of the person with the "problem," the eyes that matter, as it turns out.

Often people don't want what I think they do. For instance, if a friend is complaining about her boyfriend, I may think that she needs to be urged to leave the guy, because he isn't good for her.

In reality, though, she will only leave the man when she wants to, regardless of what I say. What she wants is to be heard and nothing else. If I speak against the guy, what she'll likely do is go tell him everything I said, so as to convince him that he's acting incorrectly, because what she really wants is to change him, not to leave him.

As for me, when I am able to catch myself trying to change a person or a situation and can talk myself out of acting out, I feel like the whole world has been taken off my shoulders. I managed to put together a number of phrases I tell myself when tempted to take back my old controlling behaviours.

"I am not in charge. This isn't my problem. Might as well relax and enjoy myself."

"I am NOT in charge of the whole world. I am not God. If I die today, the world will continue to go around just fine."

"I can't change this person. Changing is a personal decision that only the subject can make."

"I can either ruin my day by taking on responsibilities that aren't my own, or I can enjoy myself and let things be as they will."

" He (my husband) is too old to change. I have to accept him as he is and not let his idiosyncrasies bother me."

"People rarely change. And they only do so when faced with tragedy or major life changing events. At the very least, he/she will certainly not change because I say so."

"Accepting things as they are and making the best of this situation is a lot easier and less stressful than manipulating things to be my way."

"I know I can fix this problem, but in the end no-one will thank me. Instead, they will resent me for being manipulative, controlling, and hard to please."

"If the people in charge don't care that this is a mess, why should I?"

"It would be ridiculous to try to rescue a person who is unaware of his/her need to be saved."

"Don't I already have enough issues in my own life that need work? It is better for all involved if I let others figure out their own issues"

"Life changes people better than I can. I choose to let others evolve at their ow pace."

"Often what I think isn't enough is people's best shot at giving me what they think I want. I choose to be grateful for their imperfect efforts rather than noticing their short comings."

"Trying to fix people and situations is stressful and counter productive. I focus on my own issues for the sake of my health and my all around well-being."

"Going around setting rules and regulations for others to follow only made me enemies. If I let things be, I'll have more friends."