I just realized that the problem I’m having with my marriage is that I still want to live as a single person. After nearly 12 years of marriage, I am still not used to having to wait for another person before I go ahead with a plan.
I married at 34-and-½ years old, and all my life I pretty much did whatever I wanted. That didn’t cause me too many disciplinary problems at school or at home, since whatever I chose to do was always lawful, decent, and reasonable.
But I find myself now married to a person who also lived his life as I did, at his own whim. A good, smart kid, he always made sound decisions and his parents trusted him to follow his own path.
These two good kids got married and both make reasonable plans and discuss well thought out visions of life. We always have good options to choose from, but we are two different people and one of us has to give in. We are not used to giving in. Neither of us is.
So, in my case, not only do I have to get ready to give in. But I have to wait for days, weeks, or even months for him to make up his mind. And this kills me. I have always been the type to decide and do.
In other words, if it had been me alone way back in November who decided to sell the house and move, I would probably already be living at the new house.
My husband, on the other hand, is just now getting excited with the prospect of moving. After nearly three months of toying with the idea, he is now on board full time. By now, I am tired of thinking about it. I am tired of deliberating, should we live at the north or at the south? Should we take a mortgage or go cheap? Should we this? Should we that?
I am just about ready to move on to something else. And now he wants to think house, house, when I am out of steam, when I couldn’t care less anymore.
Maybe that’s the reason that I have become so not me. In the past I dreamed, I planed, and I went for it. There was no delay button. I just went.
Now, it is almost as if I’ve lost the ability to dream. Why bother dreaming? I’ll wake up, go to sleep again, and wake up, and my husband will still not know if my opinion is worth considering.
Frankly, I don’t think he can be changed. That’s who he is. And I shouldn’t have to change either that’s me. There is, apparently, no solution to my problem. But there has to be a way for that awesome man and this remarkable woman to find some balance. I just haven’t figured out the way yet.
I ignore if it will help, but perhaps I need to get a job. Sometimes I think that I should work in retail or get some other low-paying job, but making minimum salary will just increase our taxes, and the little extra money would not be enough to compensate us for the many homemade, healthy meals and other stuff that I do because I can be home doing the work: sewing window treatments, making tablecloths, repairing clothes, making homemade bread, ice cream, pies, soy milk, etc.
I truly don’t know what to do. But I need to find my spark again. I’m pretty sure that this complacency I’ve settled for is low-grade depression: barely noticeable but existing and nagging.
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7 comments:
i heard someone say recently that being married is being yourself, but with another person.
if we can manage to stay connected to who we are deep down while in a relationship, this alone i think is something vital. but how to make decisions as a team? when both wills are at work and decisions need to be made, but the wills are in opposition - it's like trying to run a two-legged race but the duo cannot decide the direction to take.
it does sound frustrating - your housing dilemma. i'm sorry it has gone on without resolution and continues to be a source of discontent.
it does sound like you feel like you need something though. something more fulfilling. maybe there is something you could get out of the house and do. something that would make you feel more alive and connected to yourself.
i'm sorry i don't have much to offer. but i do support your emotional well-being and wishes for your happiness~
Katie,
Thanks. The housing dilemma was just an example. My entire life is that way. For instance, I don't know if on Saturday we're going open housing or downtown to an Olympic celebration.
We need to buy a car, and I've been researching the possibilities for about a year now. But I don't know when it will please his royal highness to choose a car and buy one.
Even when I made the big bucks we had the same problem. We needed to buy ME a car, and he never did anything, until one day I said, "I am going out to buy me a car. I don't care if you come or not. See you."
I just never know. There is nothing that I know. My future is a blur.
The problem with getting out of the house is that I just don't like people :)
But I am OK, really. It's not that I'm in deep suffering. It's just that once in a while I wonder why it is that I've lost my initiative, the bounce of my step.
I have taken a lot of my life back in the last year. For instance, since I never know when he is coming home, I used to frustrate myself on when to make dinner. Now I cook whenever I want, and he microwaves the food when he comes home.
My wife and I have the some problem synchronizing our thoughts. By the time one of us is on the crest of the wave, the other has gone to the downside of the curve. We had thought we were unique that way. Whaddya know.
Temaskian, LOL!
That gives me the laugh of the day. Come to think of it, perhaps ALL married couples are like that.
I guess I like to commiserate that my husband is worse than most. But maybe he's not.
that sounds really healthy. i think it's hard trying to negotiate the wills and minds of two separate people. especially when they're different in how they process and decide things.
your response about going ahead and buying yourself a car and making dinner when you need to sound like what i've been learning from reading about codependency this past year. just take care of ourselves and stop worrying so much about making everyone happy all at once, because that isn't always possible and sometimes just frustrates everyone.
i can see how that wouldn't apply to buying a house though. some things you can't just go on and do.
i hope things get better soon. and whatever you do, i hope you have a nice weekend :)
I can relate to what you are going through. I don't know if my wife would echo what you are saying. In other words, is it because you are the one at home, and not earning the paycheck, that you feel you are the one who has to accomodate the most? It's probably true, since your husband is preocupied with whatever he does for work, and maybe does not realize that this is taking the focus off of things that you are focusing on.
To baalace the dynamic, you are thinking about taking some low-paying job, although this would detract from the value you are adding to the household. Your husband probably doesn't have the option of cutting back on work, which might mean he could focus on issues around the household more readily.
I guess I am making an inference that the big issue is the rate at which decisions are being made, and that this is due to the differeng amounts of time the two of you have to devote to these decisions. So the first question, I guess, is if you buy this premise.
One antidote to this would be to turn it around - take charge of more decisions, and let it be your role to inform your husband of the decision that has been made, instead of waiting for his. ("What do you think of the new living room furniture that I just bought?").
Maybe the two of you could divide up who makes decisions about what - sort of split up the exectutive function between the two of you. Take the lion's share, as you have more time to make things happen.
Alternately, find something you want to do just because it gives you pleasure, or stimulates your mind, or somehow benefits humanity in a way that does not necessarily revolve around your household. You could volunteer - or you could form a bridge club. Ride horses, play a musical instrument, pursue a degree - the possibilites are endless.
In any case, I can relate, as my wife and I got married in our mid-thirties. Now that our son is entering teen-age, it seems that we should be able to be more flexible in our roles - but there are practical considerations, and there are habits. Little changes can make a big difference, and maybe thay can smooth the path for larger adjustments down the road.
Another guess that I have is that the two of you may have different decision-making styles. Have you ever taken the Myers-Briggs personality test? Has your husband? Some people can only make decisions once they've weighed all the facts - others want to make a decision and move on. If the two of you are different this way,and this is the source of the different paces of decision-making, both of you being aware of this could help you to understand one another better, and help you negotiate the decision-making process better.
Between my wife and myself, I tend to think about long-range plans, and my wife likes to deal with things day-by-day. So she feels I am dragging my feet on decisions when she wants to do something. (She will tear out a wall in our house before deciding where the new one will go.) I, on the other hand, feel like we allow decisions to be made for us, because we don't look ahead down the road to see what might be affecting us. For instance, maybe I would like to backpedal a little bit on my career, if my wife found something she would like to invest more into, career-wise. Anyway, I hope you find ways to work it out.
Annonymous,
Thank you for your interesting comment. Lots of food for thought there.
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