Working on my issues

I’ve been working on my issues for many years now. What are my issues? Rage, depression, lack of people’s skills, blurting out my unfiltered thoughts consistently, speaking evil of people behind their backs, speaking evil at people on their own faces, hating anyone with imperfections, getting easily upset and never forgiving, etc. etc.

It is very hard to live in the world when people have to be perfect to make your list of only-people-she-will-ever-talk-to.

My issues are severe, serious, and difficult to overcome. But I’ve been working at it. Of late, the one issue I’ve been forced to face is fatalism. The last time my husband was unemployed for a while, I became completely depressed, constantly worrying about us ending up on the street, begging for food. Yes, that’s what I did for a whole year, and we had a six-month severance with a whole year of Employment Insurance benefits to follow. On top of that, we had no mortgage or debt of any kind. But I was miserable. In my mind, I saw us completely destitute. I never did picture us getting jobs and moving on.

Having been through that before really helps this time around. But working on the “issues” all these years is really helping as well. For some reason, I’m refusing to worry. I’m determined to be happy “in spite of” instead of “because of,” apparently.

I’m really shocked to see the emotional resilience I have developed. I didn’t expect it to be this way. In fact, when he lost his job, my biggest concern wasn’t his unemployment. It was my reaction. I thought I would feel as if somebody had kicked me on the stomach, for the entire time of his unemployment.

I wasn’t expecting to be feeling shitty health-wise, but as I was telling him yesterday, I feel uncomfortably unhealthy, but now I know why. Not only that, I know that millions of perimenopausal women all over the world are experiencing my symptoms, and for some reason that helps. Maybe because I realize that I’m not crazy or hypochondriac, just menopausal.

As for my own unemployment, for some reason I feel really positive as well. I only hear good stuff from my inner voice. It could be that this time I’m determined to do just about anything for a buck--but not only for a buck. I want to work because I miss being out there, meeting people, making friends, having my own money to spend.

Being employed offers a lot more benefits than just money and extended health insurance. It is good for you. It helps you know that you belong in the universe. It makes you feel useful. And I’m determined to have that again.

As for my issues, I am working very hard on my affirmations. I have one that says, “I surprise myself with my incredible patience.”

Let’s hope that when I get my job in May or June, that I will be the model employee. One who never complains, keeps her strong opinions to herself, doesn’t take anything personally, allows people to be imperfect, and concentrates on the work at hand instead of on the surrounding people.

Oh my gosh! How Negative

I use affirmations for behaviour modification and to stay positive.

Yesterday, I was writing affirmations when I came to the issue of respect. So I wrote, “I respect all people.”

Then I realized that I do respect some people, but I do have issues in that area. Then I thought I should be more specific and started to write a list of all the folks I have trouble respecting.

I wrote,

I respect the annoying, the hurtful, the racist, the misogynist, the rude, the conversation hogger, the know-it-all, the backstabber, the gossiper, the hypocrite, the show-off, the snob, the religious-fanatic, the bully, the controlling, the insistent, the naïve, the ignorant, the disrespectful, the telemarketer, the patronizing, the opinionated, the co-dependent …

So, I wrote the list, and then I realized a couple of things: (1) I have a problem respecting most people, and (2) I have a problem respecting myself, since I often display some of those behaviours, too. No wonder I have so much trouble liking myself. The problem with being judgmental is that as we judge others we judge ourselves.

I don’t know what’s first, if respect for self or respect for others, but I do have my work cut out for me.

Another issue I’m working on is keeping my opinions to myself. So I wrote the affirmation, “I keep my opinions to myself.”

About an hour ago, while watching a curling match, I noticed a Canadian player’s sweater. “She looks like a hospital worker,” I thought. And I noticed that at the moment I had the thought, I actually pictured myself saying that.

In the following ten minutes, I found myself in the same situation with other aspects of the game: their looks, their play, etc.

It has never been so abundantly clear to me how negative my thoughts are. I see good stuff, too, and again I picture myself telling somebody that so-and-so is a great player.

I will never be perfect, I know, but at least I need to learn to keep my opinions to myself. Let’s face it, negative or not, most people don’t care what I think. So my quest, then, is to picture myself keeping my opinions private. It ain’t going to be easy.

Godless Positive Thinking

The problem I've found with positive thinking is not the concept itself. Yes, positive people do better in life. Yes, negative, grumpy, disagreeable people carry a black cloud over their heads and others tend to leave the room when they show up. True it is harder for such people to make it in life, with such a bad attitude--I used to be just like that, I know.

The problem I have with the concept is that when things go well for a positive-thinking person, certain people attribute the good fortune to specific magical powers of the universe, or god, or whatever.

But the truth is a simple one: positive people are fun to have around, and that's enough to help them do better in life.

I found an article which summarizes really well how I feel about positive thinking. Here is a portion of it.

Is there any magic employed here? No, it is all natural. When the attitude is positive we entertain pleasant feelings and constructive images, and see in our mind's eye what we really want to happen. This brings brightness to the eyes, more energy and happiness. The whole being broadcasts good will, happiness and success. Even the health is affected in a beneficial way. We walk tall and the voice is more powerful. Our body language shows the way you feel inside.

I'm trying to be positive these days, to not let life circumstances drag me down. That's why the issue keeps popping up in my mind.

Morning Meditation

I have finished the wonderful website I was doing, and now I really have to look for work. I called a government agency that helps folks with that sort of “problem” and made an appointment for a week today—the earliest one they had.

In the meantime, I am going to be researching what I can do. I was thinking that I can probably try to get a job at a liquor store. If I see Christians there, they won’t be able to tell anyone they met me at the liquor store.

I have “meditated” two days in a row. Done my way, meditation feels wonderful.

First I relax, telling my major body parts to relax. Then, with my eyes closed and deeply concentrated, I start stating everything I want with “I” statements. In other words, I say affirmations but I don’t prepare them or read them. I say what I want to accomplish, from the depths of my soul.

For instance, I’ve been saying that I have a job, that I can easily handle the pressures of employment, that I know how to relax in times of distress.

To me, there is nothing mystical or weird about that. It is entirely practical. If I want to change the way I think, I need to reprogram myself, and what better way that brainwashing myself to believe I’m already the person I want to become?

A lot of that stuff I learned while visiting pagan churches, Unity and Science of Mind. But when I was in their midst, I failed to understand their language. For instance, for dealing with difficult people, they always told me to speak to others’ Higher Self.

Excuse me, but if you tell me that, you have to define Higher Self. They all have their own definitions and nothing made sense to me. They mangle it up with the idea that we’re all god, and end up saying that I’m talking to god, because they’re god. The “G” word turned me off right away.

Recently, I told my counselor that I had finally understood the concept. I said to her, “Higher Self is the pure, intact person I was before life screwed me up.” She agreed.

Today during meditation, I had another breakthrough. I realized that regardless of a person’s outward appearance, deep down inside most people are good in their core, as exemplified by how everybody helps during emergencies. If when I talk to people I oversee the stuff that bothers me and remember that deep down there is another person who is pure and good, I can deal with them better. I can appeal to that side of them and be more successful.

That is important to me, because there is too much that annoys me about people, and I tend to let their outer shell define how I treat them. If I know that the outer shell is there for a reason, and that they have a core of goodness, I can relate to them with more faith and hope.

Also during meditation, I’ve been telling myself that I can do it. That I have what it takes to find a job. That I deserve one. That somebody out there needs my skills, and I will find out who that is.

If anything else, meditating in the morning keeps me hopeful. I love it and hope that I will have the discipline to stick to it.

My Own Pep Talk

I don’t like to preach, but often, when I see folks acting out and doing crazy stuff, I wish I could talk to them, open their eyes, and help them see what really is important in life.

I wish I could tell them to stop playing the audience, to do what they love, as long as they’re respecting others. I’d like them to understand that others aren’t too interested in what we’re doing. Rightfully so, others care about their own affairs and, often, we’re the last thing in their minds.

I want some of my friends to understand that the best things in life are free, and that happiness is a state of mind not a state of having, and that success does not guarantee contentment.

I look at some folks, notice their potential, and desire to make them understand that what’s in their minds is what traces their path. If they think they’re losers, they will always be losers. If they think they can’t get, they’ll never have.

I’ve been pondering these ideas for so long, that when I interact socially, those are the thoughts I entertain. I am always thinking of how much more of life people could get if they followed my “gospel.”

It is time for me to listen to my own pep talk. I need to practice what I would preach were I a preacher. There is hope for me yet. I’ve been hearing those messages as they apply to my situation--most of them, anyway.

I don’t know what potential I have left. But I’ve been playing for the last few years. Something I never did even as a child. Now that I’ve accumulated sweet wonderful memories that I was missing from my repertoire, I am ready to face life again.

So I will. I may need to upgrade my skills a little before I can find suitable work, but I am not afraid. I’m thinking of finding some part time job while I take classes so I can get a much better job. I think it will happen, and I’m excited. So here we go.

The thought of the day

In the middle of my depressions, sometimes, an uplifting thought comes to mind. I've always said I'll write them down and never do. Maybe if I write them here I'll be able to keep the positive thoughts on record. So, here is my today's thought.

I keep worrying about all the bridges I've burned. It's as if I were ridding on a train, sitting on a seat that faces the traveled road, the past, with so many bad experiences.

I need to move, to sit facing the road ahead, so I can see all the other bridges, lots of them, that I haven't burned yet.