Dragging my feet

Wow! I think I’ve overdone it. With workshops, plans, and this and that, I’ve managed to bring my system to a halt. I feel like doing nothing, and that’s not good. Usually, depression follows that.

At least I haven’t forsaken daily exercise. Good thing, because it is my lifeline, my one survival tool.

I will push myself a little today, though. I have the feeling that an unfinished task may be causing me to drag my feet. If after that I still feel I need a break, I’ll take it.

Or maybe it’s physical. Last night I went to bed at 9 pm. I had a half-decent night’s sleep, and when my alarm clock went off at 8:30 am, I wanted to sleep more. That isn’t normal.

Here’s is hoping that I’ll feel better later.

Control Study

I spent the weekend at a curling tournament, watching the best curlers in the world. All for $25. I couldn't believe my luck.

But doing that meant eating take out. And I ate lots of it, including plenty of flour-made products, like muffins, sandwiches, and what not.

Sure enough, the sinus infection is back, and I even think I have a fever. My entire body hurts, I have a sore throat, and my glands are swollen. Also, the intestinal problems are back, as in lots of trips to the bathroom.

That means that I have to live for the rest of my life eating no bread or pastries of any kind. Pork, beef, and lamb have the same effect, so fish, vegetables, and fruit should be my diet.

And there isn't even a God to get mad at.

Health bits and stuff

I noticed recently that I always forget the “tricks” I came up with the last time I was really sick, so I’ve decided to write them down.

When I had the sinus infection, I completely forgot that washing my sinuses with saline using a syringe is tremendously effective. I would’ve saved lots of pain if I had remembered.

The humidifier is great, too, but I don’t like to “steam” the furniture, so I had to sleep in the guest room with all the stuff covered with blankets. It wasn’t fun at all. The bed there isn’t nearly as comfy as our bed, plus my man hates to sleep alone.

I had a good excuse for ending up at the ER when I had that horrible stomachache. After all, I wasn’t home. Had I been home, I would’ve made tea of fennel seeds, cumin seeds, ginger, and lemon. It would have cured me in a snap.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a trick for lower back pain, but I have noticed that walking slowly helps. Like I told my husband last night, the problem for me is bending down. If I do it too much, then I hurt my lower back, and once I’ve done it, I shouldn’t sit too long.

I need to keep moving, gingerly so. That’s what I do in the morning, upon getting up, when I’m sore the most. I just move slowly for a little while. It really helps.

I am feeling a bit better today, thank goodness. Only my lower back is hurting a bit.

But I am mentally preparing myself for a weekend alone. My husband is going to his parents for Thanksgiving. He’ll be gone from Friday to Monday. I’ll miss him a lot. But I prefer to miss him that to come back emotionally wounded from being around my M-I-L for that long. She’s one of those people with a nasty personality. Her words and mannerisms hurt even when she is trying to be nice.

I’ll find something to do. I need to refresh my Javascript and PHP so I can include them on my resume, anyway. My job options are becoming clear to me. Getting out there really helps, as much as I hate it.

Yesterday, I went to a local bloggers meeting. I was surprised to learn that it was a combined get together to celebrate the launching of a free newspaper in the area. So I got to the pub and found lots of people standing up and talking. Not knowing anyone, I stood there for a few minutes. I think I had an anxiety attack, feeling stupid to have gone all the way downtown for that.

I am not the kind of person who enjoys loud parties full of strangers. I like small quiet parties. So, I decided to go home after about three minutes. But at the elevator, I met the person who had invited me. I went back to the party and stayed for about 30 minutes, talked to a total of six people, collected a couple of business cards, and left.

I told myself that I will not put myself through that for too long. A few minutes is OK to start, as I get better, I may stay longer.

The purpose of being there was to find out if I can work in social media and other technologies, but if I have to endure social gatherings like that one constantly to make connections, I may want to think of something else. I like quiet. Few people. Space to think. Noise isn’t for me.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Sick. Again?

I am sick again, and I can’t believe it. I honestly can’t. What on earth is wrong with me?

About three weeks ago, I was disabled by a brutal sinus infection. Then, last Saturday, husband and I worked on the shed. He is making it bigger. So I helped, screwing boards, nailing shingles on the roof, carrying stuff, etc. After 12 hours of that, I was dead tired. I told him that I felt like an Israelite in Egypt, and that he was the slave driver.

Early on Sunday we headed to Victoria, BC, to a British Museum exhibit. It was awesome, because it had a little bit of several cultures through time, up to the present. There was a replica of the Rosetta stone. I will write something on the other blog about aha moments I had while going through the exhibit.

That night, at about midnight, I woke up with abdominal pain, suffered in silence for two hours, and then woke my husband up and asked him to take me to the ER. Shaking in pain, I even had trouble talking and putting my clothes on.

We finally left, and just before arriving at the hospital, I threw up. After that, the pain faded slowly, and since the ER was busy, we headed back to the hotel after a few hours, having never seen a Dr. So, I don’t know what happened.

Thursday night (yesterday), I was picking up stuff off the floor in the bathroom, and when I stood up, my lower back hurt like crazy. I could hardly walk. But I went to the gym anyway. I figured that the steam room, the hot tub, and the swimming pool would cure me. They didn’t.

It was hard to sleep last night, because turning over and getting up hurt. It felt (still does) as if I was carrying a back of rocks on my lower back.

Being sick continually for three-to-four weeks is extremely frustrating. I was happy yesterday, because I was able to catch up with housework. I baked two loaves of bread and one cake, made ice cream, cleaned the kitchen (it is reasonably large), and did the laundry.

I put in a few hours of moderate work, and I get injured. How frustrating that feels is hard to put into words. It sends me back to the reason I haven’t made an effort to find work all these years. I am always getting sick with something.

Is it possible at all that deep down inside I don’t want to be out there in the world struggling to earn a living like every one else? Am I unconsciously making myself sick?

I doubt it. I want to be healthy so bad that, for the last three months, I’ve become a vegetarian. I’ve been eating my fruit and my vegetables and doing everything in my power to feel better. But I am not feeling better. I’m feeling worse.

It’s so frustrating that I’ve been thinking that I will surrender my fibroid-filled uterus to the knife, hoping that it is some fibroid which is pressing a nerve and causing the pain. Women who have gone through the change already don’t know how good they have it.

In the last two-or-three days, I’ve gone back to feeling sorry for myself. Most careers don’t appeal to me, and I just want to stay home and away from people.

Professionals I’ve been having information interviews with tell me that the way to get into any field is via networking. I’m supposed to be out there talking to all kinds of people telling them what I can do, and I don’t feel like doing that at all.

Is there a career that suits depression-prone people? I think there is: computer programming. Maybe I was in the right career all along. Maybe I should go back to that. But Husband was surprised to hear me say that. He knows how much I love writing.

Maybe just maybe, I will rest my thoughts for a week and see how I feel then. I shouldn’t be trying to make decisions when my spine hurts from top to bottom, my lower back is sore from hip to hip, and my feet and my arms hurt for whatever reason.

It just occurred to me that maybe I should see a doctor. Trouble is that I don’t trust them, but I will go tomorrow anyway. At least whatever I’m feeling will be on record, and perhaps they can eventually put the puzzle together and tell me what is wrong with me.

But, I always decide to go to the doctor at night and change my mind in the morning. Let’s see what mood the morning finds me in.

Health Issues

I often wonder if I am just a sick bitch or if I am a hypochondriac. But, honest, every time I ask myself the question, I do a body inventory and more than one spot hurts.

Recently, watching the musical Menopause, a comedy, I started to laugh wildly when one of the actors said, "I never wake up at night. Never. How can I? if I'm not asleep" (or something like that).

After a few seconds, my laughter turned to tears, when I realized that it had been years since I slept through the night. Night sweats, frequent urination, backaches, headaches, or even anxiety keep me awake at night. To get about six hours of sleep, I need to be in bed for about 10 hours. Good thing my husband can sleep through earthquakes, otherwise he would've divorced me already.

But my most serious problem is the constant back/neck ache. My neck hurts all the time, and about once a week, it turns into a nasty headache. Why my muscles go tense, I don't know. The doctor said it was my computer posture, and the physiotherapist said I needed to exercise. She figures that because I'm overweight, I never exercise. When I explained that exercise gives me a backache, she patronizingly smiled.

My lower back hurts all the time, too. I have a congenital injury there, which I believe is aggravated by two orange-size fibroids I have in my uterus. Basically, my tail bone always hurts to the touch. When really bad, I limp.

I also have a chronic sinus infection. So, basically, my nose is always swollen, and it occasionally hurts. Nasty discharge is part of the deal, so I have to clean the area as part of my routine, as I do my teeth.

My teeth, by the way, are also an issue. They're quite separated and follow a crooked line, so food gets stuck all the time and causes me pain. I have to floss constantly or else ... In addition I have a molar that's breaking but the dentist has decided to leave it for now. The net result is that I cannot bite with my right side. Must chew all my food with the left side.

I also have yeast problems which can cause me rashes and itches everywhere, if I eat too much flour and sugar. There is a problem with my bowels, too. Constant diarreah which I've narrowed down to liver problems, because it becomes worse when I eat fatty foods. I also suffer of constant bladder and kidney issues. Last year, I passed a stone. But more often than not, I ain't screaming of pain, so doctors don't take me seriously. I'm given Bactrin and sent home.

However, when they did my physical last year, my health was perfect according to the physician. The fibroids were my only problem. Yeah, right.

I don't go to the doctor because none of my symptoms individually add up to a serious illness. I always say that if you're not bleeding, feverish, or screaming in pain, doctors send you home to drink apple juice. They never take me seriously, thinking I am a hypochondriac making everything up, but I'm not. I swear.

Some symptoms I can control with diet. But it is so hard to stay on the diet. If I abstain from meat, milk, and flours of any kind, I do mostly OK. At least my sinuses get better and the diarreah recedes. But try living that way.

Well, dairy products I can't have. I'm lactose intolerant. But if I dare, even if I take Lactaid, the sinus situation gets so bad that I become dizzy for days. Right now, I am feeling literally unbalanced. After having lain down for a while, I feel as if I am falling over--all because I indulged in all kinds of foods during our vacation.

So, in theory, I should never eat beef, lamb, pork, dairy products, flour, fried foods, or sugar. Sometimes I think that if have to live that way, then I'd rather die.

I try, however. I make my own desserts from high fibber ingredients and natural sugar replacements, cook without cheese or milk, and eliminate fats from my diet as much as possible.

I thought writing it all down would be therapeutic. Let's see if it works.