I am quite happy today, and I'm hoping that it isn't the manic state before depression.
The reason I'm happy is that I thought my husband had gotten a crappy job. But, as it turns out, it isn't.
He works for an extended health care insurance company, and naturally, the benefits are so good that even sound ridiculous. As a fibromyalgia sufferer, I couldn't wish for more. I can go to physiotherapy everyday if I want to, and massage, acupuncture, counselling, naturopath, and medication have no-limit or a very high one, and we get a 100% refund. As I said, it's incredible. So I am in a party mood.
His job is unionized and he gets Christmas eve day off. Never heard of that one before. I thought the pension plan days were over, but he's lucky enough to get that. Ah, and he only works seven hours a day. Geez!
The starting salary seems a bit low, but he will get a 10% raise spread over the next two years, every six months.
The job is in many ways better than the one he lost, and that I thought impossible.
Anyway, those are very good reasons to be happy. My aches and pains have dimmed in the last couple of days, and I'm not surprised. The pressure for me to find work is gone, and I can now apply only for jobs I really want. I'm sure that just knowing that things have majorly improved for us all of a sudden will make feel much, so much better.
So yes, this is a good day.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Unemployed and Menopausal
If it weren’t funny, it would be sad: I haven’t had my Mother Nature’s visit for about 60 days. And I’m having all the symptoms of the M word, like night sweats, joint pain, nausea, acne, and others that I'll leave unmentioned.
My hope is that it truly is the end of my reproductive days. It sucks to be tired all the time, but it is better than having Mother Nature surprise you with her dirty business every 20+ days.
I must say, though, that the concern is hindering the beginning of my job search. I don’t know why I am so preoccupied about it, when it is such a natural thing. OK, I’ll admit it. There is 1% possibility that I could be pregnant. Cheap me doesn’t want to spend the $3.95 for a pregnancy test. Maybe I should try the dollar store and get it over with.
Today my sister gave me a hpt, expired by two months. I will try it tomorrow, and it will be negative. But it will be good to know for sure. Yes, I’m sure, because I just don’t feel pregnant at all. There are other changes that I experienced when I’ve been pregnant that just aren’t happening.
I also have a doctor’s appointment for next week. I don’t know what I will tell her. “Hey, I thought I’d let you know that I’ve missed my last three, and I’m not pregnant.”
Or maybe I’ll say, “Care to check me for Osteoporosis? I am lactose intolerant and menopausal. Maybe there is something I should be doing to prevent the O thing.”
The worse part of being menopausal is that when you look for symptoms on the Internet, you land on forums where they do discuss your issues. And you find comments like, “Yeah, me too, I’ve been feeling like that for the last EIGHT years.”
Then you swear and reach for your gun. Good thing I don’t own one.
Well, that’s what’s burdening my mind these days. Tomorrow, I’ll see a case manager about getting help on my job search. I hope it goes well.
My hope is that it truly is the end of my reproductive days. It sucks to be tired all the time, but it is better than having Mother Nature surprise you with her dirty business every 20+ days.
I must say, though, that the concern is hindering the beginning of my job search. I don’t know why I am so preoccupied about it, when it is such a natural thing. OK, I’ll admit it. There is 1% possibility that I could be pregnant. Cheap me doesn’t want to spend the $3.95 for a pregnancy test. Maybe I should try the dollar store and get it over with.
Today my sister gave me a hpt, expired by two months. I will try it tomorrow, and it will be negative. But it will be good to know for sure. Yes, I’m sure, because I just don’t feel pregnant at all. There are other changes that I experienced when I’ve been pregnant that just aren’t happening.
I also have a doctor’s appointment for next week. I don’t know what I will tell her. “Hey, I thought I’d let you know that I’ve missed my last three, and I’m not pregnant.”
Or maybe I’ll say, “Care to check me for Osteoporosis? I am lactose intolerant and menopausal. Maybe there is something I should be doing to prevent the O thing.”
The worse part of being menopausal is that when you look for symptoms on the Internet, you land on forums where they do discuss your issues. And you find comments like, “Yeah, me too, I’ve been feeling like that for the last EIGHT years.”
Then you swear and reach for your gun. Good thing I don’t own one.
Well, that’s what’s burdening my mind these days. Tomorrow, I’ll see a case manager about getting help on my job search. I hope it goes well.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Realtor
I’m having an existential crisis that makes me envy people who can say no to anyone anytime.
When we bought our house 12 years ago, we used a Realtor from my previous church. A guy I sang next to for years in the choir. I loved him and respected him and he proved to be a top-notch Realtor. He ended up contributing his wonderful singing voice to our wedding ceremony.
But that guy retired and delegated his clients to a new one. For years, our calendar has been coming from the new guy. So when we thought of the possibility of putting the house for sale, I called him, and never having met him, I made the regrettable mistake of pretty much giving him the job.
I said, “We are thinking of putting our house for sale sometime next year, and since it would be you selling it, I wonder if you could come and tell us how we can improve the house to make it ready for sale.”
He did come, in a hurry, because he had to get back home before rush hour. He found the bridge’s traffic scary—obviously he lives on the other side.
We took him around the house, pen and paper in hand, asking for suggestions. He would say, “I don’t know.” or “I’ll pay for a staging consultation, and she will tell you that.”
He never did even sit down, his phone was ringing constantly, and he provided very little information. He said that it would be hard to sell our house given how terrible the neighbours retaining wall looked, and he said we should call the city about it.
The next day, we went to an open house, and we found a home we loved: a 100-yeard-old, English-cottage style home sitting on an acre of land with lots of trees and a huge driveway for six or seven cars.
Naturally, we told that Realtor how we felt about the house, making it clear that our house wasn’t even in the market yet, and that we had issues with the neighbours retaining wall. “I’d be happy to come over and have a look,” she said.
After telling her that we didn’t want to waste her time, I finally agreed to let her come over and made an appointment for the following week. But when we came home, my husband said that he needed to build a sundeck before we could move. “If I don’t build one here, I may never have the chance again.”
“I brought up the issue of selling to stop you from throwing money into this house,” I said. But he continued to make plans to build the deck. “It’s only $2K. Big deal!”
I told the newer Realtor not to bother coming because the house wasn’t going to be up for sale until the fall, but she decided to come anyway.
She came last Friday. She had called the city herself. She had numbers of recent sales in our neighbourhood, she CONVINCED my husband not to build the sundeck, and gave us a list of small, cheap changes we could make to give the house more appeal. She presented us with a marketing plan and offered to take us around to see houses currently in the market, just for us to see what’s out there. She was here for three hours and did not answer the phone the whole time.
How do I tell this woman that I’ve decided to stay with the other Realtor, when she’s already given us much better service? How do I tell the other Realtor that after giving him my word, I now want to go with someone else?
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to let go of any of them. This is terrible.
The woman has been in Real State for only 2 years. The guy has been selling for 25. But he seems technologically challenged, and she has the latest technologies, and works for a company where the head guy has 35 years of experience. Also, her people’s skills are superior.
I feel that because she’s newer and has fewer clients, she will give us much more time and effort. Plus, she has seen exactly what we like, a 100-year-old house.
Ah, shoot me, please. Shoot me. Husband won’t help. He just says, “I don’t think you should go for a Realtor you’re not comfortable with.”
But how do I tell him? How?
When we bought our house 12 years ago, we used a Realtor from my previous church. A guy I sang next to for years in the choir. I loved him and respected him and he proved to be a top-notch Realtor. He ended up contributing his wonderful singing voice to our wedding ceremony.
But that guy retired and delegated his clients to a new one. For years, our calendar has been coming from the new guy. So when we thought of the possibility of putting the house for sale, I called him, and never having met him, I made the regrettable mistake of pretty much giving him the job.
I said, “We are thinking of putting our house for sale sometime next year, and since it would be you selling it, I wonder if you could come and tell us how we can improve the house to make it ready for sale.”
He did come, in a hurry, because he had to get back home before rush hour. He found the bridge’s traffic scary—obviously he lives on the other side.
We took him around the house, pen and paper in hand, asking for suggestions. He would say, “I don’t know.” or “I’ll pay for a staging consultation, and she will tell you that.”
He never did even sit down, his phone was ringing constantly, and he provided very little information. He said that it would be hard to sell our house given how terrible the neighbours retaining wall looked, and he said we should call the city about it.
The next day, we went to an open house, and we found a home we loved: a 100-yeard-old, English-cottage style home sitting on an acre of land with lots of trees and a huge driveway for six or seven cars.
Naturally, we told that Realtor how we felt about the house, making it clear that our house wasn’t even in the market yet, and that we had issues with the neighbours retaining wall. “I’d be happy to come over and have a look,” she said.
After telling her that we didn’t want to waste her time, I finally agreed to let her come over and made an appointment for the following week. But when we came home, my husband said that he needed to build a sundeck before we could move. “If I don’t build one here, I may never have the chance again.”
“I brought up the issue of selling to stop you from throwing money into this house,” I said. But he continued to make plans to build the deck. “It’s only $2K. Big deal!”
I told the newer Realtor not to bother coming because the house wasn’t going to be up for sale until the fall, but she decided to come anyway.
She came last Friday. She had called the city herself. She had numbers of recent sales in our neighbourhood, she CONVINCED my husband not to build the sundeck, and gave us a list of small, cheap changes we could make to give the house more appeal. She presented us with a marketing plan and offered to take us around to see houses currently in the market, just for us to see what’s out there. She was here for three hours and did not answer the phone the whole time.
How do I tell this woman that I’ve decided to stay with the other Realtor, when she’s already given us much better service? How do I tell the other Realtor that after giving him my word, I now want to go with someone else?
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to let go of any of them. This is terrible.
The woman has been in Real State for only 2 years. The guy has been selling for 25. But he seems technologically challenged, and she has the latest technologies, and works for a company where the head guy has 35 years of experience. Also, her people’s skills are superior.
I feel that because she’s newer and has fewer clients, she will give us much more time and effort. Plus, she has seen exactly what we like, a 100-year-old house.
Ah, shoot me, please. Shoot me. Husband won’t help. He just says, “I don’t think you should go for a Realtor you’re not comfortable with.”
But how do I tell him? How?
Sunday, November 15, 2009
If you’re ever only extremely happy or depressed, clap your hands
Nowadays I am more eager than ever to experience my feelings and to pay careful attention to the progression of my emotions during troubled times.
As per my previous post, I went through an incident last night, which sent me back down to the pit of despair all over again. But I was watching myself through it all.
Earlier on the day, I had gone to meet the one woman at the non-for-profit I’ve been dealing with, another volunteer. I was surprised that we had a pleasant interchange, because I couldn’t stand her at the beginning, a few weeks ago. I didn’t like that she was calling me at all hours, including supper time, for insignificant issues that could have easily been dealt with via e-mail.
With a heavy heart, I met her at a McDonald's yesterday, fully prepared for the worst. She turned out to be a very nice person, easy to talk to, with much in common with me. I even entertained the idea that we could coffee sometimes and even become friends.
The meeting was highly productive, I came home really happy, and was on a “high” until I received that disturbing e-mail in the evening, when I went on a severe “low.” I was angry, sad, discouraged, and all of that. I continued to watch myself.
I first felt the anger. I closed my eyes and let myself feel all the force of the anger. I could feel it coming out of my ears. That sent me quickly to the sadness stage. Good thing. Sometimes I stay angry for days. Then I decided to shut down my e-mail until I felt better. For 24 hours I worked on making myself happy. It was hard, but I felt better finally. I did it by solving a problem that had been distressing me with another website I’m working on. After that, I felt brave enough to open my e-mail.
There was an e-mail there from the woman. In short, She said sorry for the misunderstanding and thank you for the help.
I felt so relieved that I went on another “high.” So, so happy I could’ve gone around the block hope skipping. Thankfully, I had enough sense to notice that I did need to settle down. I accomplished that by popping a Midsomer Murders DVD on the computer and watching it from beginning to end.
Note to self: watch a movie next time you need to calm down. It works because it takes your mind completely away from self and focuses it somewhere else.
I do not believe I’m manic depressive, ‘cause I have a friend who is, and I know how much more extreme and lengthy the bipolar stages are. But I do experience some aspects of it, I think. Why do I rarely feel just good, or at peace? Why do I have to experience those huge emotional swings? That’s got to be detrimental to my health. In fact, I had trouble sleeping last night. My shoulders hurt and I couldn’t sleep on my side like I usually do.
Anyway, I will raise the issue in therapy. I must find ways to manage those highs and lows. It just isn’t healthy.
As per my previous post, I went through an incident last night, which sent me back down to the pit of despair all over again. But I was watching myself through it all.
Earlier on the day, I had gone to meet the one woman at the non-for-profit I’ve been dealing with, another volunteer. I was surprised that we had a pleasant interchange, because I couldn’t stand her at the beginning, a few weeks ago. I didn’t like that she was calling me at all hours, including supper time, for insignificant issues that could have easily been dealt with via e-mail.
With a heavy heart, I met her at a McDonald's yesterday, fully prepared for the worst. She turned out to be a very nice person, easy to talk to, with much in common with me. I even entertained the idea that we could coffee sometimes and even become friends.
The meeting was highly productive, I came home really happy, and was on a “high” until I received that disturbing e-mail in the evening, when I went on a severe “low.” I was angry, sad, discouraged, and all of that. I continued to watch myself.
I first felt the anger. I closed my eyes and let myself feel all the force of the anger. I could feel it coming out of my ears. That sent me quickly to the sadness stage. Good thing. Sometimes I stay angry for days. Then I decided to shut down my e-mail until I felt better. For 24 hours I worked on making myself happy. It was hard, but I felt better finally. I did it by solving a problem that had been distressing me with another website I’m working on. After that, I felt brave enough to open my e-mail.
There was an e-mail there from the woman. In short, She said sorry for the misunderstanding and thank you for the help.
I felt so relieved that I went on another “high.” So, so happy I could’ve gone around the block hope skipping. Thankfully, I had enough sense to notice that I did need to settle down. I accomplished that by popping a Midsomer Murders DVD on the computer and watching it from beginning to end.
Note to self: watch a movie next time you need to calm down. It works because it takes your mind completely away from self and focuses it somewhere else.
I do not believe I’m manic depressive, ‘cause I have a friend who is, and I know how much more extreme and lengthy the bipolar stages are. But I do experience some aspects of it, I think. Why do I rarely feel just good, or at peace? Why do I have to experience those huge emotional swings? That’s got to be detrimental to my health. In fact, I had trouble sleeping last night. My shoulders hurt and I couldn’t sleep on my side like I usually do.
Anyway, I will raise the issue in therapy. I must find ways to manage those highs and lows. It just isn’t healthy.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
They like him -- They like him not
So husband may lose his job in two weeks or he may not.
If he loses it, he has to start looking for work. He hasn’t yet. Why?
Because he works at a major university and he wants to stay there. The benefits are awesome. Plus, he isn’t very good at looking for work while still employed--or ever.
The gig is actually ending at the end of September, his contractor gig, that is. But the position will become permanent, under a different department, and he’s applied for it.
They were supposed to tell him last week. They haven’t said anything yet. But a higher up told him the rumor is that he’s been chosen. Nobody can figure out why my husband hasn’t been told yet.
What does all this mean to me?
If he keeps his job, I’ll have great benefits and the guarantee of an income. We can perfectly live happily ever after with that money. So it does mean a lot to me. No wonder I am in such agony.
It will also mean that I'll have time for a little retraining before the economy bounces back and I start seriously looking for work. What I’m thinking I’ll do is volunteer in my areas of interest, just to see what it is that I like doing for work.
If he doesn’t get the job, I’ll have to look for work immediately, doing anything. I may still take a few courses, but I will be depleting our savings and that makes me nervous.
Also, the anxiety of not knowing when he’ll work again may set my fight-or-flight response in high gear, making me hard to live with and jeopardizing my already fragile health.
Our anxiety level is very high right now. We can’t make any plans. We can’t look at the future too enthusiastically, because we are facing the possibility of a long winded job search.
The good news is that his contract does expire on September 30, and we will know by then for sure. For now, I will have to continue pulling petals off the flower, “They like him. They like him not.”
If he loses it, he has to start looking for work. He hasn’t yet. Why?
Because he works at a major university and he wants to stay there. The benefits are awesome. Plus, he isn’t very good at looking for work while still employed--or ever.
The gig is actually ending at the end of September, his contractor gig, that is. But the position will become permanent, under a different department, and he’s applied for it.
They were supposed to tell him last week. They haven’t said anything yet. But a higher up told him the rumor is that he’s been chosen. Nobody can figure out why my husband hasn’t been told yet.
What does all this mean to me?
If he keeps his job, I’ll have great benefits and the guarantee of an income. We can perfectly live happily ever after with that money. So it does mean a lot to me. No wonder I am in such agony.
It will also mean that I'll have time for a little retraining before the economy bounces back and I start seriously looking for work. What I’m thinking I’ll do is volunteer in my areas of interest, just to see what it is that I like doing for work.
If he doesn’t get the job, I’ll have to look for work immediately, doing anything. I may still take a few courses, but I will be depleting our savings and that makes me nervous.
Also, the anxiety of not knowing when he’ll work again may set my fight-or-flight response in high gear, making me hard to live with and jeopardizing my already fragile health.
Our anxiety level is very high right now. We can’t make any plans. We can’t look at the future too enthusiastically, because we are facing the possibility of a long winded job search.
The good news is that his contract does expire on September 30, and we will know by then for sure. For now, I will have to continue pulling petals off the flower, “They like him. They like him not.”
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