What is it that I need?

I often wonder why, when people try to comfort me, they rarely achieve their purpose. The reality is that, even though everybody means well, the way they try to soothe my pain is usually not the way to go with me.

Let me explain. Most women like to offer sympathy in the way of a hug, which is fine. I don’t hate hugs. Guys, on the other hand, like to help me find a solution, which is fine. Ideas are always welcomed.

I do appreciate the effort pals and gals put into trying to help. But although it isn’t a contest, some people come out as winners when it comes to cheering me up. I think I’ve figured out what it is that they do right.

I like it when friends get me. Why is that so hard to find? I don’t know. But it is. Most friends dish out the unsolicited advice, or tell you exactly what they think you should do, or just hug you and walk away.

But when they make the effort to get inside my head and figure out what I’m thinking and why, that makes me want to break out in song. Then I go, “Yes, yes,” like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.

I truly believe that most of us want to be understood. We don’t need to be given instructions or to be pitied. We need to be understood. At least I do.

If people don’t get me, that’s OK. I have a hard time with that one myself. But if friends would at least ask questions to help me figure out my conundrums, or just tell me something wise to make me think in the right direction, I’ll find that more helpful than a hug. Maybe hugs is what other women want, but that isn’t the case with this tomboy.

Anyway, this post is about me understanding me. If anybody ever asks how they can comfort me, I will know exactly what to say.

Working on my issues

I’ve been working on my issues for many years now. What are my issues? Rage, depression, lack of people’s skills, blurting out my unfiltered thoughts consistently, speaking evil of people behind their backs, speaking evil at people on their own faces, hating anyone with imperfections, getting easily upset and never forgiving, etc. etc.

It is very hard to live in the world when people have to be perfect to make your list of only-people-she-will-ever-talk-to.

My issues are severe, serious, and difficult to overcome. But I’ve been working at it. Of late, the one issue I’ve been forced to face is fatalism. The last time my husband was unemployed for a while, I became completely depressed, constantly worrying about us ending up on the street, begging for food. Yes, that’s what I did for a whole year, and we had a six-month severance with a whole year of Employment Insurance benefits to follow. On top of that, we had no mortgage or debt of any kind. But I was miserable. In my mind, I saw us completely destitute. I never did picture us getting jobs and moving on.

Having been through that before really helps this time around. But working on the “issues” all these years is really helping as well. For some reason, I’m refusing to worry. I’m determined to be happy “in spite of” instead of “because of,” apparently.

I’m really shocked to see the emotional resilience I have developed. I didn’t expect it to be this way. In fact, when he lost his job, my biggest concern wasn’t his unemployment. It was my reaction. I thought I would feel as if somebody had kicked me on the stomach, for the entire time of his unemployment.

I wasn’t expecting to be feeling shitty health-wise, but as I was telling him yesterday, I feel uncomfortably unhealthy, but now I know why. Not only that, I know that millions of perimenopausal women all over the world are experiencing my symptoms, and for some reason that helps. Maybe because I realize that I’m not crazy or hypochondriac, just menopausal.

As for my own unemployment, for some reason I feel really positive as well. I only hear good stuff from my inner voice. It could be that this time I’m determined to do just about anything for a buck--but not only for a buck. I want to work because I miss being out there, meeting people, making friends, having my own money to spend.

Being employed offers a lot more benefits than just money and extended health insurance. It is good for you. It helps you know that you belong in the universe. It makes you feel useful. And I’m determined to have that again.

As for my issues, I am working very hard on my affirmations. I have one that says, “I surprise myself with my incredible patience.”

Let’s hope that when I get my job in May or June, that I will be the model employee. One who never complains, keeps her strong opinions to herself, doesn’t take anything personally, allows people to be imperfect, and concentrates on the work at hand instead of on the surrounding people.

Oh my gosh! How Negative

I use affirmations for behaviour modification and to stay positive.

Yesterday, I was writing affirmations when I came to the issue of respect. So I wrote, “I respect all people.”

Then I realized that I do respect some people, but I do have issues in that area. Then I thought I should be more specific and started to write a list of all the folks I have trouble respecting.

I wrote,

I respect the annoying, the hurtful, the racist, the misogynist, the rude, the conversation hogger, the know-it-all, the backstabber, the gossiper, the hypocrite, the show-off, the snob, the religious-fanatic, the bully, the controlling, the insistent, the naïve, the ignorant, the disrespectful, the telemarketer, the patronizing, the opinionated, the co-dependent …

So, I wrote the list, and then I realized a couple of things: (1) I have a problem respecting most people, and (2) I have a problem respecting myself, since I often display some of those behaviours, too. No wonder I have so much trouble liking myself. The problem with being judgmental is that as we judge others we judge ourselves.

I don’t know what’s first, if respect for self or respect for others, but I do have my work cut out for me.

Another issue I’m working on is keeping my opinions to myself. So I wrote the affirmation, “I keep my opinions to myself.”

About an hour ago, while watching a curling match, I noticed a Canadian player’s sweater. “She looks like a hospital worker,” I thought. And I noticed that at the moment I had the thought, I actually pictured myself saying that.

In the following ten minutes, I found myself in the same situation with other aspects of the game: their looks, their play, etc.

It has never been so abundantly clear to me how negative my thoughts are. I see good stuff, too, and again I picture myself telling somebody that so-and-so is a great player.

I will never be perfect, I know, but at least I need to learn to keep my opinions to myself. Let’s face it, negative or not, most people don’t care what I think. So my quest, then, is to picture myself keeping my opinions private. It ain’t going to be easy.

On being judgmental

I always thought that judging people and situations was a necessary evil. I thought it protected us from the unexpected. If I could know the character of a person by the first signs on new acquaintance, I could know whether I could trust them or not, whether they would bring me disappointment or joy.

I always thought that my ability to judge a person or situation was my greatest asset. I thought I was a psychic of sorts, that I could get to know the heart of a person right away.

As it turns out, I now believe I was only partially correct. The mistake was in translating the first impression to all areas or a person or situation. For instance, If, say, I met you one day, and you seemed absent and disinterested. I would’ve jumped to the conclusion that you were snob, nasty, and likely to hurt me.

Maybe yes. It is quite possible that your coldness was likely to hurt such a sensitive person as me. But I was wrong in labeling all of you based on those character traits.

You may be cold and disinterested, but you may be extremely smart and even caring if I ever have a problem and need immediate assistance. In fact, I may, at the beginning, need to keep you at arm’s length, while I get to know you better, so that I avoid taking your personal pet peeves personally. Maybe I should watch you interact with others so as to know that you’re not particularly snob toward me but treat everybody the same.

There are many aspects to a person: some good some bad. But I have been making the mistake of writing people off completely based on one-or-two peculiarities that I find annoying. If I judge everyone like that, I will always find something that annoys me.

But attitudes like mine, unfortunately, go beyond one-on-one relationships. Organizations, places, cultures, cuisines, situations and many areas of life are also judged with the same mentality. No wonder I find the world so violent and threatening.

Given my recent troubles with the organization I’ve been working with, I came to conclude that a large part of my suffering is rushing to judge situations, as either good or bad.

After much thinking, I realized that my situation with the contact woman seemed awful. But the manager was nice. She is making a mistake trusting her non-technical employee with this project. But it is giving me the opportunity to learn new skills that pay well in the work place. The bad-but-good list went on and on.

Then I realized that situations JUST are. Not good, awful, perfect, or terrible, but just are.

Instead of, for example, starting a job and being extremely happy that it is a great job, I should just think that IT IS a job. Some aspects of it will be good, some aspects will be bad, but in the end, the job JUST IS.

Same with people, most of them just are: good cooks, terrible skaters, great swimmers, good confidants, so-so conversationalists, good at math, bad at drawing, poor listeners, excellent bakers, etc., etc.

In sum, I should never put a person or a situation on either a pedestal or a pit. I should instead expect them to be a combo of qualities and faults. I should never expect that anything in my life can be judged in extremes. Good and evil are part of everything. There is no shortcut to knowing which mix I’m getting when meeting something or someone. I must get to know them slowly and take risks, cautiously so.

Yes, cautiously in that I should delay telling a person intimate problems until I’ve tested the waters with meaningless information to see if they spread rumors or not. Or seeing what they like to read before I trust them with my Jane Austen obsession.

Once I know where I stand, I can move on to manage the situation. I’ve decided, for instance, that the non-profit I’m volunteering for is quite disorganized. I will, then, write proposals for every step of the way and will have them sign. That way, we will all know what to expect. Were they more organized, perhaps I wouldn’t need to be so extreme. But they just are who they are, and I can’t change them. I can just manage my relationship with them.

Spending energy being too happy or too sad about anyone or anything is a waste of energy, I think. Better to live knowing that dealing with both friends and foes is a fact of life. And when foes show up, they need to be managed, not run away from or fought.

Most people probably learn that stuff in kindergarten, or just from their parents growing up. Some of us, though, learn in our 40’s. Better than never.

This past week, I found much comfort on telling myself that life just is. Things just are. People just are. Situations just are. The second I remember that, all the pressure seems to go away, for some reason. Maybe it is that I no longer need to be speculating, trying to predict the future, reach conclusions. I just have to be.

Like Ridding a Bike?

I don’t know how to ride a bike. As a child, I never had any toys, let alone a bike. My job was to wonder around the house looking at the employees (a bakery), or out a window, and not talking to anyone. I went through a helping period when I was about five. The ladies would give me cookie dough, so I could make shapes and keep busy.

My brothers learned to ride because they used bikes to deliver pastries to nearby corner stores. But my sisters and I weren’t allowed alone out the door, for we lived close to the red light district. The “little girls,” as everyone called us all the way to our early 20’s, were closely guarded until we were about 15.

Once in Canada, I tried to learn, on my nephews’ bikes, but I couldn’t. Now that I’m married, my husband and I have entertained several solutions: (1) buying a child size bike so I won’t fall, (2) Getting a 3-wheeler low rider, (3) putting training wheels on a bike, so I can learn like children do.

I am too cheap to spend money on a child-size one. I know that, once I learn, I won’t need it anymore. I don’t like the low riders because I would be “down there” while my husband rides a normal height bike—it wouldn’t be fun. The training wheels always sounded embarrassing. I just couldn’t stomach the thought that everybody would see me riding around with training wheels, like a child. Since I rejected all my options, the project has been on hold for several years now.

Yesterday, though, I discovered a 4th solution, while watching a video of one of my favourite mysteries—Midsomer Murders—I saw a lady ridding a 3-wheeled bike especially made for adults. I fell in love with the bike. The back is so wide that easily holds a basket to even use it for grocery shopping.

Then I found out the price. It costs about $500. Ouch! Then I remembered my option #3, the training wheels, and thought, “If ridding around on an old lady’s bike isn’t embarrassing, why would it be embarrassing to ride with training wheels?”

It occurred to me that all the work I’ve been doing on disregarding other people’s opinions on whatever I do is paying off. For some reason, all of a sudden, I don’t care what others say about my ridding any kind of bike I may choose. I even think I could amuse myself with their looks.

But something more interesting yet will happen, I’m sure. Other ladies who never did learn to ride a bike as children will be encouraged to try my method. Every time I do something daring and strange, it seems, someone else is encouraged to copy me.

I still don’t know when I will implement my plan—next summer, perhaps. It isn’t too appealing out there for a bike ride right now. But it will happen. I promise.

Make a decision to ... Control

Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Deepak Chopra

Actually, I am not really a follower of Deepak Chopra, but he has some great quotes. This one was hanging around Twitter this Sunday morning, and it outlines my greatest desires for personal growth.

My first reaction to it was, "Easier said than done."

But then I thought, "Good standards to have and excellent goals to aspire to."

Giving up the need to control is one goal I have managed to make some progress on. The need seems to arise when people are involved in self-defeating behaviours and, according to me, if they did what I wanted they would be so much better off.

I've been right a few times when I've acted on my controlling impulses, but more often than not I've been wrong, mostly because what I perceive as a difficulty doesn't seem so in the eyes of the person with the "problem," the eyes that matter, as it turns out.

Often people don't want what I think they do. For instance, if a friend is complaining about her boyfriend, I may think that she needs to be urged to leave the guy, because he isn't good for her.

In reality, though, she will only leave the man when she wants to, regardless of what I say. What she wants is to be heard and nothing else. If I speak against the guy, what she'll likely do is go tell him everything I said, so as to convince him that he's acting incorrectly, because what she really wants is to change him, not to leave him.

As for me, when I am able to catch myself trying to change a person or a situation and can talk myself out of acting out, I feel like the whole world has been taken off my shoulders. I managed to put together a number of phrases I tell myself when tempted to take back my old controlling behaviours.

"I am not in charge. This isn't my problem. Might as well relax and enjoy myself."

"I am NOT in charge of the whole world. I am not God. If I die today, the world will continue to go around just fine."

"I can't change this person. Changing is a personal decision that only the subject can make."

"I can either ruin my day by taking on responsibilities that aren't my own, or I can enjoy myself and let things be as they will."

" He (my husband) is too old to change. I have to accept him as he is and not let his idiosyncrasies bother me."

"People rarely change. And they only do so when faced with tragedy or major life changing events. At the very least, he/she will certainly not change because I say so."

"Accepting things as they are and making the best of this situation is a lot easier and less stressful than manipulating things to be my way."

"I know I can fix this problem, but in the end no-one will thank me. Instead, they will resent me for being manipulative, controlling, and hard to please."

"If the people in charge don't care that this is a mess, why should I?"

"It would be ridiculous to try to rescue a person who is unaware of his/her need to be saved."

"Don't I already have enough issues in my own life that need work? It is better for all involved if I let others figure out their own issues"

"Life changes people better than I can. I choose to let others evolve at their ow pace."

"Often what I think isn't enough is people's best shot at giving me what they think I want. I choose to be grateful for their imperfect efforts rather than noticing their short comings."

"Trying to fix people and situations is stressful and counter productive. I focus on my own issues for the sake of my health and my all around well-being."

"Going around setting rules and regulations for others to follow only made me enemies. If I let things be, I'll have more friends."