Sick but still working on back-to-the-workforce plan

So I am sick again. I’ve been sick since Wednesday, and I can’t help but remember that the last time I was ill, it was in October, when I was about to start my job search. Then the illness set me back, and I put the job search on the back burner for a while.

Why do I get sick every time I start looking for work? I don’t know, but I have a few theories.

1. When I get busy, I start eating all the wrong foods, and the food intolerances make my ongoing issues flare up.


2. It is possible that subconsciously my body sees “work” as a threat to the status quo and that all kinds of stress-related hormones are released, burdening my immune system.


3. My immune system is no longer used to the common viruses that hang out there, since I rarely get out and meet people. So I’m an easy target.

Most likely, it is all of the above. But I’ve decided that nothing will hinder me. I am getting out there, and I am going to find a job. It is business as usual.

This week, I took a job interview questions class and an interpersonal relationships class. Next week I’ll take assertiveness. Interestingly enough, some of those courses are at 9 am, and are sparingly attended. In fact, one of my classes was a one-on-one. I felt so lucky. I sat there with the employment counsellor for two hours, and we discussed the most difficult issues I tend to have with people, and we devised some strategies to address my concerns. I would’ve had to pay over $200 to get that type of service.

So the work is going. Let’s hope that I’ll get a job in May.

Back to the workforce process

I told the employment counsellor, on Friday, that I want a job easy to do that will keep me constantly busy.

I explained that even though I have the brain for computer programming, that the profession isn’t suitable for a person like me who tends to depression. Certain software features are so difficult to create or troubleshoot, that it takes from hours to days to find a solution. In the meantime, you sit there staring at the screen trying to stimulate your brain to come up with a solution. I find that excruciating. I always find a solution, but I’d rather do something which provides smaller, more frequent rewards.

The other issue with me is stress. My former profession was highly stressful. I not only had to write extremely complex code, but I had to deal with users, co-workers, bosses, and project managers, while trying to deliver on tight deadliness. I have PTSD from all that, and even though I loved the paycheque, the traveling, and the staying at four star hotels, my body can’t handle it.

If I’m going to go from doing not much for the last few years, I don’t want to go back to a high stress job where I have to constantly prove myself. So I told the employment counsellor that I wanted to find a job in office administration. She said my goal was realistic and that we would work toward it.

I am so happy I landed at that agency by mistake. I was telling my husband that I always knew deep down inside that I was different, and that I needed specialized help. I reminded him that when people in church urged me to do things a certain way, I would usually say, “People can’t see my invisible wheelchair. I can’t do what they do or behave like they do.”

I finally found a place where my “invisible wheelchair” is being acknowledged, and I couldn’t be happier. How is this different from being aided by an agency for “normal people?”

Normal people are encouraged to live up to their potential, to seek high paying jobs, to climb the corporate ladder. That doesn’t appeal to me. For me just functioning and getting along with co-workers at any job will be an improvement over my previous workplace experiences.

So this week, I’ll attend a number or workshops, the firs of them will be resume making. The challenge for the worker will be to downgrade my resume, to make by high-tech jobs blend in or disappear. But thankfully, since the person has been trained on working with people like yours truly, she may have an idea or two on how to tweak my work experience. I can always hope!

The caseworker was saying that employment at a non-profit would be a good fit for me, because I can offer so much, other than just filling, typing, and answering phones. How I go about the job search will be dealt with in the first week of May, when I meet the placement worker.

In the meantime, I will be taking other workshops, like stress management, dealing with difficult people, and first-day-at-work instruction.

Wish me luck!

Depression, Menopause & Career

I was just talking to my husband about the depression that has haunted me my entire life. Until recently, I ignored my lifelong affliction. But I can tell looking back that it has always been an issue.

For a while I called it ADD, because I used to stop mid-step and become immobilized while thinking of some memory. I was so unaware of it, that I rarely mentioned it to a doctor or to a psychologist.

But in recent days, I’ve become convinced that it was pure, unadulterated depression. It may sound “funny,” but in that regard I may be doing better than ever. My enjoyment of life and my ability to be in-the-moment have increased dramatically.

I was telling him that I NEED TO WORK for more than just financial reasons. It is mostly due to health issues, both depression and menopause (which is causing me to gain more weight).

If it isn’t, it should be common knowledge by now that serotonin plays a major role in depression. But serotonin can be produced by our bodies, and exercise is a great way to get it incredibly fast.

It is no wonder that when we travel and walk about 10 kilometres a day I am so balanced and reasonably happy. It is the business, the doing, the movement that helps my mood, by producing the hormones my body needs.

Sitting around the house hardly ever going anywhere is not conducive to a good mood for a person in my situation. So, I was telling my husband that, first of all, I need a job, any job. Second, if possible, I need a job that will keep me moving. Walking around all day would be ideal. It would help me lose weight and it would help me maintain my mood. It would be a drug of sorts.

But it so happens that I have 6 years of post-secondary education in Computers and about 15 years of work experience in the field. Computer geek is written all over my face, and other than three years of experience working in an office doing secretarial work, I have nothing else in my bag of tricks.

My husband says that I should still try to find a job in the computer/office field. I can, he says, then hire a personal trainer that will keep me active, moving, and hire a cleaning person to do the work around the house.

For some reason I don’t find that too appealing, even though that may be what I end up doing. I am thinking that, perhaps, working as a tour guide or in a bakery or even retail would accomplish both, the exercise and the getting me out there, while making me a couple of bucks.

I don’t know if the employment counsellor, with whom I have an appointment this week, will have any ideas in that regard. But given my track record with employment counsellors who haven’t understood me, I feel compelled to lower my expectations, to give the relationship a change to succeed.

I’m also thinking that a part-time job would be ideal. Perhaps easing back into the workforce would be best. Especially, if I get a job that requires walking, since I would be tired at the beginning, another good thing, since I have trouble sleeping (like all other menopausal women).

Anyway, I must admit that trying to choose my next “career” is haunting me of late. It just occurred to me, thought, that whatever I choose does not have to be permanent. It seems that I’m treating the choice as the ultimate live-or-die decision, which it isn’t. I will have to mull over this, to see what I can do to lower the pressure. I’m sure dealing with this issue will make me feel a lot better.

Working on my issues

I’ve been working on my issues for many years now. What are my issues? Rage, depression, lack of people’s skills, blurting out my unfiltered thoughts consistently, speaking evil of people behind their backs, speaking evil at people on their own faces, hating anyone with imperfections, getting easily upset and never forgiving, etc. etc.

It is very hard to live in the world when people have to be perfect to make your list of only-people-she-will-ever-talk-to.

My issues are severe, serious, and difficult to overcome. But I’ve been working at it. Of late, the one issue I’ve been forced to face is fatalism. The last time my husband was unemployed for a while, I became completely depressed, constantly worrying about us ending up on the street, begging for food. Yes, that’s what I did for a whole year, and we had a six-month severance with a whole year of Employment Insurance benefits to follow. On top of that, we had no mortgage or debt of any kind. But I was miserable. In my mind, I saw us completely destitute. I never did picture us getting jobs and moving on.

Having been through that before really helps this time around. But working on the “issues” all these years is really helping as well. For some reason, I’m refusing to worry. I’m determined to be happy “in spite of” instead of “because of,” apparently.

I’m really shocked to see the emotional resilience I have developed. I didn’t expect it to be this way. In fact, when he lost his job, my biggest concern wasn’t his unemployment. It was my reaction. I thought I would feel as if somebody had kicked me on the stomach, for the entire time of his unemployment.

I wasn’t expecting to be feeling shitty health-wise, but as I was telling him yesterday, I feel uncomfortably unhealthy, but now I know why. Not only that, I know that millions of perimenopausal women all over the world are experiencing my symptoms, and for some reason that helps. Maybe because I realize that I’m not crazy or hypochondriac, just menopausal.

As for my own unemployment, for some reason I feel really positive as well. I only hear good stuff from my inner voice. It could be that this time I’m determined to do just about anything for a buck--but not only for a buck. I want to work because I miss being out there, meeting people, making friends, having my own money to spend.

Being employed offers a lot more benefits than just money and extended health insurance. It is good for you. It helps you know that you belong in the universe. It makes you feel useful. And I’m determined to have that again.

As for my issues, I am working very hard on my affirmations. I have one that says, “I surprise myself with my incredible patience.”

Let’s hope that when I get my job in May or June, that I will be the model employee. One who never complains, keeps her strong opinions to herself, doesn’t take anything personally, allows people to be imperfect, and concentrates on the work at hand instead of on the surrounding people.

A Good Day

Not wishing to wait until next week, I saw a doctor today. He said that I’m peri-menopausal and that I am not pregnant. Excellent news! Now, I move on.

I also talked to him about my joint pain, and he diagnosed me with rotator cuff tendonitis. Maybe I can use that as a disability. Keep that in mind when you read further down, and that I saw the doctor after having gone to the government agency.

He wants me take some medication for a couple of weeks and to see a physical therapist. He said swimming would be good, too.

And yes, I saw an employment counselor, too. I had called that agency even though they work with people with disabilities, because they seemed to have a program for “normal” folks. But when I got there, the caseworker said that she was indeed a caseworker, but for people with disabilities.

“OK,” I said, “I’ll go home to find another agency.”

“Why would you do that,” she said, “if I can do that here, with you?”

“Because I can do it myself, online.”

Then she said, “Or I can help you, do you have any chronic pain or another issue that we can use as a disability to try to get you funding for training?”

Then she got my attention.

I said that, yes, I had chronic pain issues but that I hadn’t been diagnosed by a doctor. “But I do have a psychological disability,” I said.

Then I explained that I had trouble dealing with people and handling stress, due to my abusive upbringing, which combined with the culture, has made my working life in this country miserable.

She said, “OK, you have PTSD. I’ll write that on the papers, and I can work with you.”

“Maybe there is a god,” I said. “I’ve always wanted to have a disability sticker for my car.”

“Most of the disabilities we deal with, here, are invisible,” she said.

But why is this good news to me? Because she will work with me keeping my most difficult shortcomings in mind. She will be there every step of the way helping me figure out what type of job I can get that fits the person I am. Other employment programs assume that, if you have skills, you should be able to find a job and live happily ever after. Not so with me. There is a reason I haven’t wanted to work in several years.

Yes, I do have a handicap. And somehow I landed at a government-funded agency that helps people with handicaps like mine. It’s pleasantly bizarre, really.

Incredibly enough, seeing my issues as a handicap has given me more hope than ever. Maybe because I know that there is much better funding and opportunities for persons with disabilities, while at the same time, fewer people are looking for that sort of help, so counselors have more time and resources for the likes of me, who need hand holding. And some people wonder why I love this country so much!

Of course, if after looking for work for a while we conclude that I need a little re-training, we will have to get doctors and psychologists signatures, to prove that I have issues. It shouldn’t be hard to find 50 people or so to agree that I do.

Yes, it was a good day.

Time to Face my Fears

I was going through a list of posted jobs, sequentially, and found two that almost had my name of them.

That was 24 hours ago and I haven’t done anything about it. Why? Because I am on the ground fiercely fighting my fears. What fears?

What will I say on the interview? So Mrs. A, why have you been away from the workforce for so long? Can you work in a team, Mrs. A? Can you work under pressure?

I am also afraid that my strong personality will turn employers off. I’m afraid that they’ll be afraid to offer me a “meager” salary, given that I used to be a hot-shot programmer.

I have fear, after fear, after fear. The good news is that I have no choice. I’m that bird standing on the edge of the nest knowing that if she doesn’t throw herself into the air and starts flying, mommy will push her, and she’ll have to fly anyway.

I suppose that I will have to tell myself that the first few interviews and resumes will just be practice runs, that it will be so until I land a job.

So Mrs. A., why haven’t you work for so long? Because I was scare s*less.

OK, enough of that. I will work on my resume now.

OK, They Like Him

My husband's contract that was supposed to end in April has been extended for the third time, for six more months.

The deal is that his position was taken over by another department at the university, and that department posted the position, at a much lower salary, and my husband applied for it.

After a three-month process, he's been told that he is on probation with the new department for six months--keeping his salary. At that time, the job will be posted again, and if they like his performance so far, he will be given a permanent job at the university.

As I told my husband, I think they want to pay him more, and when the job gets re-posted, the salary will be higher. They can't just pay him more right now on a permanent position, because there is a union involved, and they have to be careful to follow procedure.

At any rate, the whole enchilada has affected me at several levels. When he first told me in March that he only had one month of contract left, I thought I was going to die.

Then I considered the possibility of going back to the workforce and have been thinking/planning for it since. I've been doing all this, basically, with a gun over my head: I work or else.

I know now that my husband will probably work at the university for the rest of his career. It's a great place to work (five weeks of holidays a year, one of them being around Christmas). Benefits are great and the work environment is excellent. This is the first time in his career that he doesn't have to carry a pager and constantly get up in the middle of the night to fix problems.

But I just went through a Career Exploration course with a cloud over my head--will he be employed in October or not?

I don't believe I was thinking clearly. Now I probably am. It almost feels like I need to go through the course again, taking the new knowledge into account.

In other words, without the pressure of having to work, I don't know what to do. I need to redefine my needs and desires now that I am not under duress.

It occurs to me that I should get a volunteer position on each of my areas of interest, just to see how much I like doing the jobs. Perhaps I should contact organizations with the volunteer idea in mind.

Wow! Writing this has been helpful. If anybody reads it, thank you for your patience. This is one of those rare occasions when I just write without an outline. This is journaling at its best.

They like him -- They like him not

So husband may lose his job in two weeks or he may not.

If he loses it, he has to start looking for work. He hasn’t yet. Why?

Because he works at a major university and he wants to stay there. The benefits are awesome. Plus, he isn’t very good at looking for work while still employed--or ever.

The gig is actually ending at the end of September, his contractor gig, that is. But the position will become permanent, under a different department, and he’s applied for it.

They were supposed to tell him last week. They haven’t said anything yet. But a higher up told him the rumor is that he’s been chosen. Nobody can figure out why my husband hasn’t been told yet.

What does all this mean to me?

If he keeps his job, I’ll have great benefits and the guarantee of an income. We can perfectly live happily ever after with that money. So it does mean a lot to me. No wonder I am in such agony.

It will also mean that I'll have time for a little retraining before the economy bounces back and I start seriously looking for work. What I’m thinking I’ll do is volunteer in my areas of interest, just to see what it is that I like doing for work.

If he doesn’t get the job, I’ll have to look for work immediately, doing anything. I may still take a few courses, but I will be depleting our savings and that makes me nervous.

Also, the anxiety of not knowing when he’ll work again may set my fight-or-flight response in high gear, making me hard to live with and jeopardizing my already fragile health.

Our anxiety level is very high right now. We can’t make any plans. We can’t look at the future too enthusiastically, because we are facing the possibility of a long winded job search.

The good news is that his contract does expire on September 30, and we will know by then for sure. For now, I will have to continue pulling petals off the flower, “They like him. They like him not.”

Feeling Inadequate

I have 50-something followers in Twitter, but I hardly ever establish conversation with anyone. I use Twitter as an information getter for breaking news of my kind: new blog posts by friends, breaking news, sports news, etc.

Once in a while, though, somebody will say something that makes me "talk."

A woman who lives relatively close to me (couple of hours) is one I talk to once in a while. She is a riot. I like her a lot.

Today we talked Canadian politics and she ended up confessing she thought I was brilliant. My first thought was, how do you know that? You've only read a few of my twitts. Of course, she's probably been to my blog, too.

But she didn't say it once. She said it again and again. And the more she said it, the more I felt like crying. I felt like saying, "Stop it already. I can't take it anymore."

Of course, I returned the compliment, but, why do I feel so inadequate when people praise me? Modesty aside, I am sort of used to hearing that. I hear it so often it isn't even funny anymore.

I have a theory.

I feel terrible to be so "brilliant" and to be doing nothing with the so-called talents, other than socializing on line and working on my career occasionally. I'll be doing a website for someone next week.

That must be it, because after writing that, the pressure I was feeling on my chest went away. I must get out there. But I find it so hard to sell myself. To go knocking on doors looking for work.

But, I am making slow progress. Resume ready. Business card ready. Website almost ready. Just need to print out my design and writing samples and I'll be ready to "shine."

Here is where I would like to say, "So, help me God."