I've been depressed for the last few days, and it has nothing to do with our finances. My husband was able to make a lot of money working as a contractor for a few weeks, and now he's back on unemployment insurance.
He has sent five resumes and has had four interviews. The last one, today, was at the place where he worked as a contractor.
His success should make me happy, but it doesn't. Because I have sent upwards of 40 resumes, had one interview, and no job.
I'm depressed for several reasons. One is the realization that in order to work again, I'm going to have to update my IT skills and look for work in IT where, apparently, I belong. I never sent more than 20 resumes to get a job in IT. But it seems like I will have to send 1000 to get a $10/hour job.
I'm also depressed because the agency that's supposed to be helping me recently changed the placement worker, and the knew one is a clueless newly graduate that lives in her own little world. I don't want to elaborate, but she is making me very angry.
She calls all excited about some job she saw advertised and tries to convince me to apply as if were a sure thing that I'll get the effing job, conveniently forgetting that I will have to compete with the other 400 applicants. She doesn't have to convince me that the jobs are good. She has to help me get one.
So, yeah, I have been feeling down for a couple of days. Which is probably partially hormonal and partially normal for a job seeker. I started feeling better today. I had knew ideas as to how to go about my job search and decided to start again. Leave it to the placement worker to make me angry all over again with a stupid phone call.
It is so good to admit that I am angry. I feel the pressure released from my belly. I will exercise, then have lunch, and then see if I can go play with my nephew.
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Erasing negative memories
That book I read, The Power Within You, is the best motivational book I've ever read. I learned very much in it regarding how success comes about.
One of the addressed issues was how to change our longtime negative thoughts, so they don't affect our present anymore. He said that what we need to do is to re-live the situation we've failed at in the past and mentally do the right thing.
For example, I remember becoming very upset once, when a Chinese co-worker said to me that I should exercise at lunchtime everyday, to lose weight. And to make her argument more persuasive she added the name of her best friend who was skinny. "You should. Julie exercises at lunch everyday."
This girl, Julie, thought she was beautiful and smart and the apple of everyone's eye. Apparently, she was beautiful by Chinese standards. All the other Chinese in the office looked up to her, as if she'd been god.
So when her friend told me to lose weight to be like Julie, I must have gone completely red, then I grimaced, and waiving my hands said sharply, "Why would I want to be like Julie? I have everything that I can ever want in life. I don't need to be like Julie."
Of course, her majesty was told of the incident. All the Chinese heard about it, and my over-reaction went into my repertoire of temper blow-ups that everyone knew of.
I've been thinking in recent days that I should have reacted hypocritically. I should have said, "Interesting idea, Sandy. Thank you for your concern."
Then I should have gone to the bathroom to have a fit, all by myself. My problem is that I tell the truth, and people don't appreciate it. The truth is a gift they don't want. So I need to be as fake and hypocritical as they are, and experience my anger in private.
And to learn how to do that, I will, in the next few weeks, go out there and put myself in situations I've been avoiding like the pest, so I can practice.
Yesterday, I tried to go to a CODA meeting, and I couldn't find the address. That's a place where I can really practice, telling the co-dependents that I appreciate their help and then leaving the scene in a hurry.
This Easter weekend I'm facing my in-laws. That should be interesting. I can just hope that I won't be boiling over in anger for weeks to come. Let's see how it goes.
One of the addressed issues was how to change our longtime negative thoughts, so they don't affect our present anymore. He said that what we need to do is to re-live the situation we've failed at in the past and mentally do the right thing.
For example, I remember becoming very upset once, when a Chinese co-worker said to me that I should exercise at lunchtime everyday, to lose weight. And to make her argument more persuasive she added the name of her best friend who was skinny. "You should. Julie exercises at lunch everyday."
This girl, Julie, thought she was beautiful and smart and the apple of everyone's eye. Apparently, she was beautiful by Chinese standards. All the other Chinese in the office looked up to her, as if she'd been god.
So when her friend told me to lose weight to be like Julie, I must have gone completely red, then I grimaced, and waiving my hands said sharply, "Why would I want to be like Julie? I have everything that I can ever want in life. I don't need to be like Julie."
Of course, her majesty was told of the incident. All the Chinese heard about it, and my over-reaction went into my repertoire of temper blow-ups that everyone knew of.
I've been thinking in recent days that I should have reacted hypocritically. I should have said, "Interesting idea, Sandy. Thank you for your concern."
Then I should have gone to the bathroom to have a fit, all by myself. My problem is that I tell the truth, and people don't appreciate it. The truth is a gift they don't want. So I need to be as fake and hypocritical as they are, and experience my anger in private.
And to learn how to do that, I will, in the next few weeks, go out there and put myself in situations I've been avoiding like the pest, so I can practice.
Yesterday, I tried to go to a CODA meeting, and I couldn't find the address. That's a place where I can really practice, telling the co-dependents that I appreciate their help and then leaving the scene in a hurry.
This Easter weekend I'm facing my in-laws. That should be interesting. I can just hope that I won't be boiling over in anger for weeks to come. Let's see how it goes.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Anger & Control
Today I had a meeting with the manager of the non-profit I’ve been referring to in previous posts. Thankfully, we have clarified all the misconceptions. The woman that was my contact has, for now, been set aside, at least for technical issues.
The problem is that her technical abilities are so minimal, that most of our discussions over the past few weeks went over her head. Then she went to her manager to pass information she made up. No wonder I was so furious. Instead of helping, this person has been a stumbling block.
But I learned a few things about me during the process and will continue to learn, I’m sure.
Excessive anger and aggression
Went I become furious, even in the middle of it all, I can see that the amount of anger is excessive. I can feel the emotion in my bones, even. Then, I carefully consider the situation, and it doesn’t look like a big deal. But I seem unable to control the deep fury.
Husband and I went to Bellingham, Washington, yesterday, to pickup a pressure canner I ordered from Wal-Mart, and for which I chose store pickup. We made it into a day trip and, among other things, we went browsing to a couple of second-hand bookstores. I wasn’t even looking in the self-help section when my eyes found a book that I never even picked up. The title was, “Why are you so defensive?”
At that moment, I had an aha moment and answered the question. “Because I think everybody is attacking me.”
I knew that I had that problem, but I never connected it to anger. All of a sudden, however, I realized why I hate it when the phone rings, or why, when I am employed, I dislike being called to a meeting, or why I’m distraught when the doorbell rings. I never expect good news. What I always get is a heavy feeling that I’ll be told off, that I’ll be wrongly accused of slacking off, that I will be required to do something I don’t want to do, or at the very least, that I’ll have to talk to someone I’ve been avoiding.
Of course, it all originates in my childhood, when Mom worked very hard at finding something wrong with me, because she just had to find something. She thought that being a good mother was to help me be always perfect.
It follows that I’ve lived my entire life under the microscope, thinking that everybody is watching me closely and rating my performance. Good thing that I took God out of the equation already, but now I have to deal with my fear of everyone else.
I know that I have to take the gloves off. But I also need an attitude correction. I need to somehow convince myself that the entire humanity isn’t out to get me, ready to give me a low performance review. I must stop defending myself. And, quite honestly, I have no idea how to do it. I was trained, like a lab rat, to defend myself, and I don’t know how to stop it.
That’s one of my issues. The other one is control (that little bugger keeps showing up everywhere).
Control
When you think you have to be perfect to succeed in the world, you need to control all the small details in order to put out a perfect performance.
It’s almost like a mental illness, because you’re under the mistaken belief that it is imperative that you be flawless. And you’re so afraid of being found in error that you try to control everything around you, so that what you’re trying to do comes to pass with flying colours.
If for the plan to work I need my husband to speak to his mother, for instance, then I insist tirelessly that he speaks to her. And when he fails to follow my wishes, I will be angry, very angry, because now I will look deficient, and I want to appear perfect.
I find it frustrating that, when seen with a cool head, it is quite evident that the behaviour is dysfunctional. But when in the heat of a situation, it is so hard to stop the emotions from erupting.
The woman I’ve been referring to makes me angry, because she won’t use e-mail and calls me at all hours of the day, even at supper time. It is reasonable that her calling would make me uncomfortable. What’s unreasonable is the large amount of uncontrollable anger I feel. And the reason for that is that I can’t control what she does. I have told her to e-mail me, but she doesn’t get it. Now, if I could just turn her into a robot who does exactly as I say, wouldn’t that be heaven? (Smirk)
Even when at the intellectual level I know that others aren't robots whose life mission is to obey me, it still angers me when they don't do as told. What can I say? When my emotions catch up with my head, it will be a jolly day.
The other issue I've seen up close and personal in the last few days is the hidden ways in which I can be judgmental. I will tackle that one on my next post.
The problem is that her technical abilities are so minimal, that most of our discussions over the past few weeks went over her head. Then she went to her manager to pass information she made up. No wonder I was so furious. Instead of helping, this person has been a stumbling block.
But I learned a few things about me during the process and will continue to learn, I’m sure.
Excessive anger and aggression
Went I become furious, even in the middle of it all, I can see that the amount of anger is excessive. I can feel the emotion in my bones, even. Then, I carefully consider the situation, and it doesn’t look like a big deal. But I seem unable to control the deep fury.
Husband and I went to Bellingham, Washington, yesterday, to pickup a pressure canner I ordered from Wal-Mart, and for which I chose store pickup. We made it into a day trip and, among other things, we went browsing to a couple of second-hand bookstores. I wasn’t even looking in the self-help section when my eyes found a book that I never even picked up. The title was, “Why are you so defensive?”
At that moment, I had an aha moment and answered the question. “Because I think everybody is attacking me.”
I knew that I had that problem, but I never connected it to anger. All of a sudden, however, I realized why I hate it when the phone rings, or why, when I am employed, I dislike being called to a meeting, or why I’m distraught when the doorbell rings. I never expect good news. What I always get is a heavy feeling that I’ll be told off, that I’ll be wrongly accused of slacking off, that I will be required to do something I don’t want to do, or at the very least, that I’ll have to talk to someone I’ve been avoiding.
Of course, it all originates in my childhood, when Mom worked very hard at finding something wrong with me, because she just had to find something. She thought that being a good mother was to help me be always perfect.
It follows that I’ve lived my entire life under the microscope, thinking that everybody is watching me closely and rating my performance. Good thing that I took God out of the equation already, but now I have to deal with my fear of everyone else.
I know that I have to take the gloves off. But I also need an attitude correction. I need to somehow convince myself that the entire humanity isn’t out to get me, ready to give me a low performance review. I must stop defending myself. And, quite honestly, I have no idea how to do it. I was trained, like a lab rat, to defend myself, and I don’t know how to stop it.
That’s one of my issues. The other one is control (that little bugger keeps showing up everywhere).
Control
When you think you have to be perfect to succeed in the world, you need to control all the small details in order to put out a perfect performance.
It’s almost like a mental illness, because you’re under the mistaken belief that it is imperative that you be flawless. And you’re so afraid of being found in error that you try to control everything around you, so that what you’re trying to do comes to pass with flying colours.
If for the plan to work I need my husband to speak to his mother, for instance, then I insist tirelessly that he speaks to her. And when he fails to follow my wishes, I will be angry, very angry, because now I will look deficient, and I want to appear perfect.
I find it frustrating that, when seen with a cool head, it is quite evident that the behaviour is dysfunctional. But when in the heat of a situation, it is so hard to stop the emotions from erupting.
The woman I’ve been referring to makes me angry, because she won’t use e-mail and calls me at all hours of the day, even at supper time. It is reasonable that her calling would make me uncomfortable. What’s unreasonable is the large amount of uncontrollable anger I feel. And the reason for that is that I can’t control what she does. I have told her to e-mail me, but she doesn’t get it. Now, if I could just turn her into a robot who does exactly as I say, wouldn’t that be heaven? (Smirk)
Even when at the intellectual level I know that others aren't robots whose life mission is to obey me, it still angers me when they don't do as told. What can I say? When my emotions catch up with my head, it will be a jolly day.
The other issue I've seen up close and personal in the last few days is the hidden ways in which I can be judgmental. I will tackle that one on my next post.
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