Have you ever been depressed for no reason at all?
I guess it happens when women have PMS. I'm going to assume that women in menopause still get a period of sorts, even if we don't get actual menses. I have the blues and no period on sight. It really sucks. I think the issues are periodical because I also have breast pain and uterine stuff, a little stronger than usual. This menopause crap feels like permanent PMS--ninety whole days of it. I wonder if the other 275 days will also be like this.
I think this is the first time ever that I feel the weight of depression, and I can tell it really isn't psychological at all. It seems to be mostly a physical symptom over which I have no power.
I have no feelings of doom or anything like that. I am not having strong negative feelings about anyone in particular. I am in need of nothing. The sun is shinning out there.
But I don't want to do anything. All I want is to lie in bed with the blinds down and forget that I exist. Basically, it feels like laziness, a lack of desire to do anything. I don't want to think of my impending job search, or of his job search, or of having to go back to the workforce, or of what to make for supper, or of the messy house, or anything. I want to do nothing.
I swear on days like this I wish I had anti-depressants around. But, if I'm still feeling like this by Monday, I am hitting the doctor's office. Enough is enough.
For now, I will force myself to clean the house a little. Seeing the house looking better may be helpful.
Showing posts with label crisis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crisis. Show all posts
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Recording my feelings - Day 3
I am feeling OK today. It seems that we have been in limbo for so long, that the shock of his unemployment isn't new at all. It's just business as usual.
Before knowing that he would be unemployed, I was already concerned about my professional future, knowing that I needed to go back out there, and that I had to decide what to do when that happened. I'm still not sure, so I continue to ponder. But I have some ideas that I will pursue.
The gist of it is that, in my eyes, feeling good is up to me. I know that lots of people in the world have mortgages or rent to pay, and that they live from pay cheque to pay cheque. We don't. We have no debt of any kind. And knowing that helps. It is very comforting. Actually, just writing that felt really good. Maybe I should write it again.
The pressure I had before to go back to the workforce is the same pressure I feel today. No changes there.
My husband will have to deal with his own feelings and unemployment any way he chooses to. But I am determined not to worry. As I said, lots of people would be on the street without a pay cheque. We won't. I need to learn to appreciate my blessings.
I have always put way too much emphasis on material possessions for my happiness. That's an area where I haven't improved at all, that fear of being poor and needy. I need to let go of that. I need to move to a place of expecting good things, financial or not.
In spite of it all, I am thankful for the dream of a new house. When you have it all, you stop dreaming. And dreaming of a better house may propel me to leave the sofa and to get out there to use my many skills and qualifications.
In a way, I've been wishing for something to jump start me on the path of a new career. I've got it. I need to have a job so I can contribute my abilities, stop depending on my husband's salary for our financial survival, save more for our retirement, and buy a better house.
I just hope that the drive won't die. That I will keep going no matter what. That I won't let anything defeat me.
It is sad that my husband's dream has to die so mine can start to develop. But I do hope that he can get himself a great job where he will be more appreciated and respected than he was at his current one.
As for the deep pain and despair that I feel once in a while, I will continue to make a conscious effort to acknowledge it and let it be when it comes. I just have to give my body the change to purge out the fear, so it won't make me physically ill.
Here is hoping that my body will hold up through this ordeal.
Before knowing that he would be unemployed, I was already concerned about my professional future, knowing that I needed to go back out there, and that I had to decide what to do when that happened. I'm still not sure, so I continue to ponder. But I have some ideas that I will pursue.
The gist of it is that, in my eyes, feeling good is up to me. I know that lots of people in the world have mortgages or rent to pay, and that they live from pay cheque to pay cheque. We don't. We have no debt of any kind. And knowing that helps. It is very comforting. Actually, just writing that felt really good. Maybe I should write it again.
The pressure I had before to go back to the workforce is the same pressure I feel today. No changes there.
My husband will have to deal with his own feelings and unemployment any way he chooses to. But I am determined not to worry. As I said, lots of people would be on the street without a pay cheque. We won't. I need to learn to appreciate my blessings.
I have always put way too much emphasis on material possessions for my happiness. That's an area where I haven't improved at all, that fear of being poor and needy. I need to let go of that. I need to move to a place of expecting good things, financial or not.
In spite of it all, I am thankful for the dream of a new house. When you have it all, you stop dreaming. And dreaming of a better house may propel me to leave the sofa and to get out there to use my many skills and qualifications.
In a way, I've been wishing for something to jump start me on the path of a new career. I've got it. I need to have a job so I can contribute my abilities, stop depending on my husband's salary for our financial survival, save more for our retirement, and buy a better house.
I just hope that the drive won't die. That I will keep going no matter what. That I won't let anything defeat me.
It is sad that my husband's dream has to die so mine can start to develop. But I do hope that he can get himself a great job where he will be more appreciated and respected than he was at his current one.
As for the deep pain and despair that I feel once in a while, I will continue to make a conscious effort to acknowledge it and let it be when it comes. I just have to give my body the change to purge out the fear, so it won't make me physically ill.
Here is hoping that my body will hold up through this ordeal.
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