Dreaming

Last night I had a dream-filled night. I am planning on writing my nightly dreams to see if I can figure out what my brain is up to these days.

Last night, I was looking out the kitchen window to the backyard, when I saw a completely black eagle munching on some plant. I called my husband and calmly said to him. "Look there is an eagle in the backyard."

Later I dreamed that I was working at my first job in Canada, again. I left that job after a fight with my boss. It was ugly. In the dream, I went back to work for him. He told me to go to HR, where I was told that back then I'd been underpaid because a horrible mistake had been made in recording the category of my position. They made me sign something.

I came to work the next day, and my boss wasn't there. Some lady gave me a bunch of forms to complete, and I remember thinking, "They keep asking me to fill out forms, but nobody is telling me that they will pay me the money I'm owed. Maybe I shouldn't sign anything and find a lawyer."

Then, as part of my job, I went to some school's event, like a job fair, and I ended up talking to some lady about data communications.

Maybe my brain is trying to purge the painful experience. Who knows?

My fears - Shadows in the Darkness

I am a fearful person. Just about everything scares me.

Psychologists have told me that my main problem is my fight-or-flight response to life, and I believe them. How can I not, when almost every little daily event causes my heart to race?

For instance, if I am cleaning the kitchen and look toward the usually dark dinning room and see a shadow moving, I freak out, my heart beats fast, and I start thinking that maybe there is a stranger in the house, or a ghost.

It takes me about five seconds to realize that it was my own shadow. Since the kitchen/family room area is a fishbowl, with tons of daylight coming in, my shadow can easily be seen in the tiny streaks of light that make it to the dining room.

I know all that, yes, but I still freak out when I sense motion in the room. My heart is beating just thinking of that. And there isn't much I can do about it.

Sigh!

Have to look for work

Here I am again having to look for work. Husband's job ends in April, and I think this is a good opportunity to get off my ass and look for work. I really need to work for several reasons.

(1) I have very good skills, and I am wasting them by sitting at home just blogging, as much as I love it. I really need to get moving.

(2) In my experience, the best place to find friends is at work. We like some people and dislike others, but the chances of finding like-minded friends are much higher. I need friends. I need to love and be loved. My e-friends are great, but it would be nice to get together with people once in a while, for say a BBQ.

(3) I should look for work just because I am so afraid to do it. I need to defeat the fear. I need to defeat the inner voice that says, "you are worthless, you are never going to work again, no-one wants you." There must be somebody out there who can benefit from what I can do.

So, I need to write to a few people in several fields and create a network of contacts that will eventually give me a job. And I want to do it, just because.

I am depressed today

I posted on a Christian blog to support a friend, and the f*g bastards managed to upset me. Now they're blaming me for being upset, as if a person had no right no experience emotions.

I am so glad I am no longer a Christian. F*g bastards deserve all my resentment and my rage. They are robots who only allow themselves to feel the feelings the religion allows them to. They figure they're like a radio and that they can switch stations at pleasure. Let's see, the Bible says that I should love this person, so I will love her. Now, the Bible says to hate gays, so I no longer like Larry 'cause he's a queer.

I can't believe that they're going around preaching a so-called gospel of "love," when they're so miserable and brainwashed themselves. I wonder what would happen to these people if I put them in a nice hotel in a city with no churches and no evangelicals around.

Would they eventually learn to enjoy themselves? Would they realize that there are a lot of cool, good, kind people in the world who aren't Christians? What is it going to take to wake up those people from the dream. I am convinced that reasoning with them is a waste of time, mostly.

One thing I know tonight. I don't want them anywhere near me. The creeps make me majorly uncomfortable. At this moment, I could even say I hate them, but I know tomorrow I will, again, feel compassion and understanding for them. It is hard not to, when one sees how they're wasting their lives for a worthless cause.

Cold Feet and Night Sweats

For years, I've been suffering of cold feet. Well, I am 45, have fibroids, a chronic sinus infection, chronic back pain, and systemic candida (frequent urination, bladder problems, rashes, etc).

It is highly irritable that during cooler days my feet feel so cold, but at night, I can't sleep because I keep sweating all night. It so frustrating to be hot at night and cold during the day. What on earth is that?

Sometimes I think I should just call up the OB gyn and ask her to take the damned uterus out once and for all. How worse can it be? Can anyone tell me?

Wow! Did I write that?

I didn't know where this blog was. I thought blogspot had deleted it. I just found it again, and it is interesting to see how far I've gone from where I was years ago, when I created it.

I am now mostly an atheist. I still like the ideas of the positive thinkers, but I truly think that taken too far can be as bad as the Christian crutch.

For instance, if I come to believe that my thoughts affect my life and others', then I am always afraid of thinking anything, and that's very stressful. So I prefer to live freely. Having happy thoughts is always a good idea, anyway. A positive outlook in life is an excellent way to live. But feeling slaved to the "doctrines" that say that thinking evil of others brings me bad karma, is definitely suffocating, and I refuse to live "in the box" anymore.

I prefer to try to be positive and to think good thoughts just because, without any pressure.

Ah My Relatives!

Last week, it became obvious to me that people can only accomplish that which they are able to dream of.

I have a estranged sister. She was always following the wrong path and always hated me because I always did as told. That is, if my mother said something was dangerous or wrong, I stayed away from it. My sister, on the other hand, made it a regular practice to contradict Mother, seeking for trouble and disobeying at the first opportunity.

I went on to graduate from university, to have a half-decent career, and to marry a man that looked great on paper--and turned out great in real life too.

My sister married a loser, the son of a sophisticated beggar who made a living of visiting well-off people and getting monetary handouts and gifts of all kinds--my mother was one of the benefactors.

A few years ago, her hatred of me increased to the point that she didn't allow me to see her sons anymore, and she stayed away from me too. She convinced other friends and relatives that I was evil. Eventually, she withdrew from the world as well. I don't know why, but I suspect that they owed money to everybody and she was embarrassed by that. Needless to say, they were poor and miserable and expected others to hand them money for their survival. Not surprisingly, they are now divorced.

Last week, I saw my nephews for the first time in six years. I cried when I saw them because I love them very much. Soon I found out that they did not graduate from high school. The older one, 21, is married, has a child, and lives in a stinky basement suite.

His wife, perhaps looking for my endorsement, raised the issue that he should finish high school. I agreed, saying that even if he doesn't want to go to college right now, he may want to finish school so he can go to college later if he so chooses. He said that he had troubled thinking of the future, because as it was, he was missing $50.00 to pay rent, but he knew his brother, or one of his friends, could give him the money.

Then I realized that for him, living well meant swindling people for money and barely making the bills every month. He has never known a better reality, so he thinks that living under the poverty line is being prosperous.

What do I do with that? Sure I would like to help him, but I don't want to encourage his pitiful lifestyle. I wold like to open his eyes to bigger and greater things, but unfortunately, I aren't God. I have severe limitations.

If I invite him to my house and serve him an awesome meal and treat him like royalty, he is going to think I am showing off, or that he can try harder to get money off me.

I have started to understand why prosperity gurus recommend hanging out with richer people, to stay at fancy hotels once in a while, and to eat out at fancy restaurants when possible. If we do that, I believe, we will have in our brain the pictures we need to dream up prosperity, to create greater goals.

As sad as I am about my nephews' fate, I am also glad that I was able to learn something. As to how to help them, I don't have a solution yet, but I am waiting for the universe to let me know.