I dreamed a lot last night, but forgot most of it. I only remember my last dream.
I was back home with my mom and my sisters--no brothers. In her kitchen, my mother had the walls covered with wooden open shelves compartmentalized into little boxes, from floor to ceiling, like an old-fashioned pharmacy. The boxes had all kinds of fruits & vegetables, and she was cooking, and she looked very happy. She was even smiling. It was as if I died and went to heaven.
Our house was small, but we were having lots of fun. Or at least, I felt happy. I was married, and didn't want to go back home, because it was more fun to be with my mom and sisters--2 of them, anyway. The third sister wasn't on my dream.
I thought my husband was awfully boring, and I didn't want to go home and be bored with him.
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My mother is a vegetarian, but she isn't happy. I have rarely ever seen her happy. My two sisters, considering all, are my favourite siblings. If I had to pick two, I'll pick them.
My husband is truly boring. Before me, he had no friends, he was in his 30's and spent most of his time either in church or with his parents. He lived at home until he was 33, when he got married.
I plan our vacations and suggest fun staff to do. For instance, on Monday--a holiday--he spent all day working on a puzzle. I didn't think it was fun, so I watched hockey.
Sometimes I feel that my marriage is only surviving because I don't work and don't want to work and he supports me, financially. If I were out in the workplace and felt secure that I can earn my own money, I have no idea what would happen.
Or maybe, if I were out there, I would need his strong support, and that would draw us closer together. That is perfectly possible.
Sometimes I wonder if I still love him. He is like a companion more than a lover. I don't yearn to be in his arms or anything (well, is not that yearning will help me get something). His coldness has finally killed my warmth. I may have turned into his mother, happy that she is provided for and trying to forget that her husband is a cold, distant house companion.
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5 comments:
that is sad about your husband. could it be that you have gone through so many changes and feel that he is far from you? i wonder if what causes many marriages difficulty is when one person changes a lot and the other person doesn't seem to understand what that change means to them. both people don't have to change, but at least feeling like you're side by side makes such a difference.
about your dream, i noticed this is the second dream that involved a kitchen and food. i wonder if the kitchen is a place of warmth and love for you, it seems to represent that. that's where we cook and keep our food. that which nourishes our bodies. so your kitchens in your dreams might be representing what would be nourishing for your mind and heart~ kindred spirits, sharing, happiness, emotional warmth, togetherness
Thank you for following my weird dreams. I truly appreciate it.
My husband is just being his dad. But my dramatic changes over the last few years may have truly affected him, like you said.
I need to continually remind myself that even if he is boring or whatever, he is still better than most men I know!
Thanks again!
Ah, the kitchen. You are right. I love the kitchen. I love cooking and baking.
Making a luxurious meal is my true way out of any depression. My mom loves cooking too. We have that in common. Actually, we have a lot in common. She reproduced herself really well in me. That's probably why we can't get alone.
i'm glad you like my comments, i was wondering if i was really hitting these into the outfield :)
i'm really bad with sports though, i don't even know if i used that metaphor correctly. you would know :)
as for your husband being boring, maybe you just see each other too much. maybe once you get out of the house more, that will help ease pressure off your marriage. you are such an energetic and emotionally rich person (i gather), i would imagine you would need more interaction and stimulating things going on around you. do you guys go on dates? something drew you together in the first place...maybe you could do something fun like sign up for a dance class or go listen to music together? those sound like things i would imagine you would like to do :) again, i may not be hitting anywhere near the mark~
The metaphor was fine, LOL.
What drew us together was church. We used to love going to church. Ours didn't have an evening service, we'd visit others on Sunday nights and for special occasions like hymn singing and praise and worship evenings.
Our dating happens when we travel. It seems that after having seen so much around the world--mostly Europe--we aren't too interested in the local stuff.
But we do go to concerts & to the movies.
The biggest issue is that his family didn't do entertainment. Hanging around the house is what they did for fun. So, when he is home, he is always doing something: woodwork, gardening, renovations, installing shelves.
So, that's my life. Hanging around the house while he works on his projects. I get tired of suggesting fun stuff and retreat to the web, my favourite addiction.
Figure this: most women would be happy to have a husband so obsessed with home projects, and I am complaining.
could the prison represent your home? maybe what once felt like a safe haven from the world, now feels confining to you?
and the black eagle in the backyard is how you view religion, a dark thing in your midst, and you want your husband to see it the way you do?
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