That book I read, The Power Within You, is the best motivational book I've ever read. I learned very much in it regarding how success comes about.
One of the addressed issues was how to change our longtime negative thoughts, so they don't affect our present anymore. He said that what we need to do is to re-live the situation we've failed at in the past and mentally do the right thing.
For example, I remember becoming very upset once, when a Chinese co-worker said to me that I should exercise at lunchtime everyday, to lose weight. And to make her argument more persuasive she added the name of her best friend who was skinny. "You should. Julie exercises at lunch everyday."
This girl, Julie, thought she was beautiful and smart and the apple of everyone's eye. Apparently, she was beautiful by Chinese standards. All the other Chinese in the office looked up to her, as if she'd been god.
So when her friend told me to lose weight to be like Julie, I must have gone completely red, then I grimaced, and waiving my hands said sharply, "Why would I want to be like Julie? I have everything that I can ever want in life. I don't need to be like Julie."
Of course, her majesty was told of the incident. All the Chinese heard about it, and my over-reaction went into my repertoire of temper blow-ups that everyone knew of.
I've been thinking in recent days that I should have reacted hypocritically. I should have said, "Interesting idea, Sandy. Thank you for your concern."
Then I should have gone to the bathroom to have a fit, all by myself. My problem is that I tell the truth, and people don't appreciate it. The truth is a gift they don't want. So I need to be as fake and hypocritical as they are, and experience my anger in private.
And to learn how to do that, I will, in the next few weeks, go out there and put myself in situations I've been avoiding like the pest, so I can practice.
Yesterday, I tried to go to a CODA meeting, and I couldn't find the address. That's a place where I can really practice, telling the co-dependents that I appreciate their help and then leaving the scene in a hurry.
This Easter weekend I'm facing my in-laws. That should be interesting. I can just hope that I won't be boiling over in anger for weeks to come. Let's see how it goes.
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6 comments:
that sounds like a great idea. going back and thinking about what we would have done differently. thanks for sharing about the book.
i can imagine you practicing increased boundaries, and being more reserved or diplomatic. but do you think you have to entirely hide your true feelings? i mean, can't you remain sincere, but maybe not say everything on your mind?
i guess i'm just worried people would have no idea they are upsetting you and they might just keep on doing it if they don't know how you feel.
like at work once, one of the instructors we worked with sent out a sex joke to a few of us in the office he thought might like it. he obviously did not know me at all and did not know that sort of thing is NOT ok with me. (because of my past) so i felt i had to let him know i was not comfortable with this, in order to take care of myself. so i wrote him and told him, in the nicest way i could, that that sort of joke was not something i was comfortable with, and though i liked him as a person and valued our working relationship, i had to let him know where my comfort level stood. and he was actually very nice and apologetic about it. though things were somewhat awkward with him after that. but that's ok. i still feel like what i did was necessary to take care of myself. and i never got sent any other jokes like that :)
that situation with your old coworker sounds difficult. my mother was always an appearance critical person. she thinks she's helping. and honestly i don't think she realizes how much it hurts. so i feel like i can see being really upset by what she said to you.
but maybe you could have let her know in some way that you were not receptive to her idea without it being a blow up. like, "no thanks, i like myself the way i am" or "why would i want to be like julie?" but calmly and maybe with a humorous hint of sarcasm :)
i don't know if any of this is really helpful, sorry. i'm certainly not the authority on boundaries or appropriate social conversation.
i guess i think part of helping change the way we react to people who offend us is to try to see where they're coming from. and to try to get to the point where we're not "reacting" at all. a place of greater internal detachment. which i know we can't always do in the moment if they've just said something to our face. but i think with practice this kind of thing gets easier and can help us feel less defensive in the future. feel less attacked. less provoked. if we can take some of the air out of how easily others can affect us, perhaps by seeing them as just a flawed human being who actually believes that's an ok thing to say to someone. you know? gives them less power to hurt us?
i support you however you want to express yourself. i hope that's clear. i just hope you find whatever methods help you feel most comfortable, connected and happy being yourself around others. because you deserve that.
katie,
Thanks, I appreciate your concern.
I don't know if my method will work, but I will certainly try being a hypocrite like the rest of them. In my experience, people do not appreciate honesty. And when you come out and say they've hurt you, they just bully you further, or push your buttons on purpose.
Telling people the truth is giving them a gift, and I think we should choose who we express truth to. Most people, shallow as they are, do not deserve it.
To me, it is more important to develop inner strength, to learn to hear their idiocy, like that Chinese did, and tell myself, "Well, I am who I am and I accept myself. If she wants to be nosy, judgmental, and disagreeable, that's her problem. I know that life has given me great gifts, and her opinion is irrelevant to me."
In other words, why try to stop people from hurting me, when I can stop myself from hurting, by emotionally shielding myself from their ignorance?
good morning~ i agree, there are people we are better off not being completely honest with. and it's not even just about the people themselves, i think we must always discern what will make us feel the most safe and least vulnerable to say to people.
like that instructor i told you about. i told him i was not comfortable with that type of joke, so that he would know.
but i did not tell him WHY it was not ok. that would have made me feel too vulnerable, i thought it was unnecessary and none of his business. i don't have to justify or explain why i need the boundaries i do.
but yes, there are people we can trust, and those we're better off keeping up stronger boundaries around.
i just hated to think of you being fake. your honesty is part of what is so great about you. and i'm sorry people have not appreciated that about you. and it made me sad to picture you alone in the restroom, upset.
but i guess if you're confident enough in who you are, and can feel secure in yourself and turn to trusted friends to be your whole sincere self with, it really doesn't matter how you behave in the workplace in superficial circumstances to get along and have a good day :)
Katie,
Thank you for understanding. The workplace, in my experience, is a place where we are better off walking on pins & needles. Rumors run rampant and reputations are destroyed in a matter of seconds. It is best, in my opinion, to hide our soft side as much as possible. We must try to be strong there and know how to go home and find peace and quiet and connect with ourselves.
i know some work environments are really toxic and can have lots of immaturity and feel like you're surrounded by petty teenagers. but i don't think they are all that way. i just hope you find a nice place to work, with civil, kind, mature people, where you're actually able to enjoy your day :)
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