I am quite happy today, and I'm hoping that it isn't the manic state before depression.
The reason I'm happy is that I thought my husband had gotten a crappy job. But, as it turns out, it isn't.
He works for an extended health care insurance company, and naturally, the benefits are so good that even sound ridiculous. As a fibromyalgia sufferer, I couldn't wish for more. I can go to physiotherapy everyday if I want to, and massage, acupuncture, counselling, naturopath, and medication have no-limit or a very high one, and we get a 100% refund. As I said, it's incredible. So I am in a party mood.
His job is unionized and he gets Christmas eve day off. Never heard of that one before. I thought the pension plan days were over, but he's lucky enough to get that. Ah, and he only works seven hours a day. Geez!
The starting salary seems a bit low, but he will get a 10% raise spread over the next two years, every six months.
The job is in many ways better than the one he lost, and that I thought impossible.
Anyway, those are very good reasons to be happy. My aches and pains have dimmed in the last couple of days, and I'm not surprised. The pressure for me to find work is gone, and I can now apply only for jobs I really want. I'm sure that just knowing that things have majorly improved for us all of a sudden will make feel much, so much better.
So yes, this is a good day.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Anger and Depression
I've been depressed for the last few days, and it has nothing to do with our finances. My husband was able to make a lot of money working as a contractor for a few weeks, and now he's back on unemployment insurance.
He has sent five resumes and has had four interviews. The last one, today, was at the place where he worked as a contractor.
His success should make me happy, but it doesn't. Because I have sent upwards of 40 resumes, had one interview, and no job.
I'm depressed for several reasons. One is the realization that in order to work again, I'm going to have to update my IT skills and look for work in IT where, apparently, I belong. I never sent more than 20 resumes to get a job in IT. But it seems like I will have to send 1000 to get a $10/hour job.
I'm also depressed because the agency that's supposed to be helping me recently changed the placement worker, and the knew one is a clueless newly graduate that lives in her own little world. I don't want to elaborate, but she is making me very angry.
She calls all excited about some job she saw advertised and tries to convince me to apply as if were a sure thing that I'll get the effing job, conveniently forgetting that I will have to compete with the other 400 applicants. She doesn't have to convince me that the jobs are good. She has to help me get one.
So, yeah, I have been feeling down for a couple of days. Which is probably partially hormonal and partially normal for a job seeker. I started feeling better today. I had knew ideas as to how to go about my job search and decided to start again. Leave it to the placement worker to make me angry all over again with a stupid phone call.
It is so good to admit that I am angry. I feel the pressure released from my belly. I will exercise, then have lunch, and then see if I can go play with my nephew.
He has sent five resumes and has had four interviews. The last one, today, was at the place where he worked as a contractor.
His success should make me happy, but it doesn't. Because I have sent upwards of 40 resumes, had one interview, and no job.
I'm depressed for several reasons. One is the realization that in order to work again, I'm going to have to update my IT skills and look for work in IT where, apparently, I belong. I never sent more than 20 resumes to get a job in IT. But it seems like I will have to send 1000 to get a $10/hour job.
I'm also depressed because the agency that's supposed to be helping me recently changed the placement worker, and the knew one is a clueless newly graduate that lives in her own little world. I don't want to elaborate, but she is making me very angry.
She calls all excited about some job she saw advertised and tries to convince me to apply as if were a sure thing that I'll get the effing job, conveniently forgetting that I will have to compete with the other 400 applicants. She doesn't have to convince me that the jobs are good. She has to help me get one.
So, yeah, I have been feeling down for a couple of days. Which is probably partially hormonal and partially normal for a job seeker. I started feeling better today. I had knew ideas as to how to go about my job search and decided to start again. Leave it to the placement worker to make me angry all over again with a stupid phone call.
It is so good to admit that I am angry. I feel the pressure released from my belly. I will exercise, then have lunch, and then see if I can go play with my nephew.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Dragging my feet
Wow! I think I’ve overdone it. With workshops, plans, and this and that, I’ve managed to bring my system to a halt. I feel like doing nothing, and that’s not good. Usually, depression follows that.
At least I haven’t forsaken daily exercise. Good thing, because it is my lifeline, my one survival tool.
I will push myself a little today, though. I have the feeling that an unfinished task may be causing me to drag my feet. If after that I still feel I need a break, I’ll take it.
Or maybe it’s physical. Last night I went to bed at 9 pm. I had a half-decent night’s sleep, and when my alarm clock went off at 8:30 am, I wanted to sleep more. That isn’t normal.
Here’s is hoping that I’ll feel better later.
At least I haven’t forsaken daily exercise. Good thing, because it is my lifeline, my one survival tool.
I will push myself a little today, though. I have the feeling that an unfinished task may be causing me to drag my feet. If after that I still feel I need a break, I’ll take it.
Or maybe it’s physical. Last night I went to bed at 9 pm. I had a half-decent night’s sleep, and when my alarm clock went off at 8:30 am, I wanted to sleep more. That isn’t normal.
Here’s is hoping that I’ll feel better later.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Sick but still working on back-to-the-workforce plan
So I am sick again. I’ve been sick since Wednesday, and I can’t help but remember that the last time I was ill, it was in October, when I was about to start my job search. Then the illness set me back, and I put the job search on the back burner for a while.
Why do I get sick every time I start looking for work? I don’t know, but I have a few theories.
This week, I took a job interview questions class and an interpersonal relationships class. Next week I’ll take assertiveness. Interestingly enough, some of those courses are at 9 am, and are sparingly attended. In fact, one of my classes was a one-on-one. I felt so lucky. I sat there with the employment counsellor for two hours, and we discussed the most difficult issues I tend to have with people, and we devised some strategies to address my concerns. I would’ve had to pay over $200 to get that type of service.
So the work is going. Let’s hope that I’ll get a job in May.
Why do I get sick every time I start looking for work? I don’t know, but I have a few theories.
- When I get busy, I start eating all the wrong foods, and the food intolerances make my ongoing issues flare up.
- It is possible that subconsciously my body sees “work” as a threat to the status quo and that all kinds of stress-related hormones are released, burdening my immune system.
- My immune system is no longer used to the common viruses that hang out there, since I rarely get out and meet people. So I’m an easy target.
This week, I took a job interview questions class and an interpersonal relationships class. Next week I’ll take assertiveness. Interestingly enough, some of those courses are at 9 am, and are sparingly attended. In fact, one of my classes was a one-on-one. I felt so lucky. I sat there with the employment counsellor for two hours, and we discussed the most difficult issues I tend to have with people, and we devised some strategies to address my concerns. I would’ve had to pay over $200 to get that type of service.
So the work is going. Let’s hope that I’ll get a job in May.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Back to the workforce process
I told the employment counsellor, on Friday, that I want a job easy to do that will keep me constantly busy.
I explained that even though I have the brain for computer programming, that the profession isn’t suitable for a person like me who tends to depression. Certain software features are so difficult to create or troubleshoot, that it takes from hours to days to find a solution. In the meantime, you sit there staring at the screen trying to stimulate your brain to come up with a solution. I find that excruciating. I always find a solution, but I’d rather do something which provides smaller, more frequent rewards.
The other issue with me is stress. My former profession was highly stressful. I not only had to write extremely complex code, but I had to deal with users, co-workers, bosses, and project managers, while trying to deliver on tight deadliness. I have PTSD from all that, and even though I loved the paycheque, the traveling, and the staying at four star hotels, my body can’t handle it.
If I’m going to go from doing not much for the last few years, I don’t want to go back to a high stress job where I have to constantly prove myself. So I told the employment counsellor that I wanted to find a job in office administration. She said my goal was realistic and that we would work toward it.
I am so happy I landed at that agency by mistake. I was telling my husband that I always knew deep down inside that I was different, and that I needed specialized help. I reminded him that when people in church urged me to do things a certain way, I would usually say, “People can’t see my invisible wheelchair. I can’t do what they do or behave like they do.”
I finally found a place where my “invisible wheelchair” is being acknowledged, and I couldn’t be happier. How is this different from being aided by an agency for “normal people?”
Normal people are encouraged to live up to their potential, to seek high paying jobs, to climb the corporate ladder. That doesn’t appeal to me. For me just functioning and getting along with co-workers at any job will be an improvement over my previous workplace experiences.
So this week, I’ll attend a number or workshops, the firs of them will be resume making. The challenge for the worker will be to downgrade my resume, to make by high-tech jobs blend in or disappear. But thankfully, since the person has been trained on working with people like yours truly, she may have an idea or two on how to tweak my work experience. I can always hope!
The caseworker was saying that employment at a non-profit would be a good fit for me, because I can offer so much, other than just filling, typing, and answering phones. How I go about the job search will be dealt with in the first week of May, when I meet the placement worker.
In the meantime, I will be taking other workshops, like stress management, dealing with difficult people, and first-day-at-work instruction.
Wish me luck!
I explained that even though I have the brain for computer programming, that the profession isn’t suitable for a person like me who tends to depression. Certain software features are so difficult to create or troubleshoot, that it takes from hours to days to find a solution. In the meantime, you sit there staring at the screen trying to stimulate your brain to come up with a solution. I find that excruciating. I always find a solution, but I’d rather do something which provides smaller, more frequent rewards.
The other issue with me is stress. My former profession was highly stressful. I not only had to write extremely complex code, but I had to deal with users, co-workers, bosses, and project managers, while trying to deliver on tight deadliness. I have PTSD from all that, and even though I loved the paycheque, the traveling, and the staying at four star hotels, my body can’t handle it.
If I’m going to go from doing not much for the last few years, I don’t want to go back to a high stress job where I have to constantly prove myself. So I told the employment counsellor that I wanted to find a job in office administration. She said my goal was realistic and that we would work toward it.
I am so happy I landed at that agency by mistake. I was telling my husband that I always knew deep down inside that I was different, and that I needed specialized help. I reminded him that when people in church urged me to do things a certain way, I would usually say, “People can’t see my invisible wheelchair. I can’t do what they do or behave like they do.”
I finally found a place where my “invisible wheelchair” is being acknowledged, and I couldn’t be happier. How is this different from being aided by an agency for “normal people?”
Normal people are encouraged to live up to their potential, to seek high paying jobs, to climb the corporate ladder. That doesn’t appeal to me. For me just functioning and getting along with co-workers at any job will be an improvement over my previous workplace experiences.
So this week, I’ll attend a number or workshops, the firs of them will be resume making. The challenge for the worker will be to downgrade my resume, to make by high-tech jobs blend in or disappear. But thankfully, since the person has been trained on working with people like yours truly, she may have an idea or two on how to tweak my work experience. I can always hope!
The caseworker was saying that employment at a non-profit would be a good fit for me, because I can offer so much, other than just filling, typing, and answering phones. How I go about the job search will be dealt with in the first week of May, when I meet the placement worker.
In the meantime, I will be taking other workshops, like stress management, dealing with difficult people, and first-day-at-work instruction.
Wish me luck!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
What is it that I need?
I often wonder why, when people try to comfort me, they rarely achieve their purpose. The reality is that, even though everybody means well, the way they try to soothe my pain is usually not the way to go with me.
Let me explain. Most women like to offer sympathy in the way of a hug, which is fine. I don’t hate hugs. Guys, on the other hand, like to help me find a solution, which is fine. Ideas are always welcomed.
I do appreciate the effort pals and gals put into trying to help. But although it isn’t a contest, some people come out as winners when it comes to cheering me up. I think I’ve figured out what it is that they do right.
I like it when friends get me. Why is that so hard to find? I don’t know. But it is. Most friends dish out the unsolicited advice, or tell you exactly what they think you should do, or just hug you and walk away.
But when they make the effort to get inside my head and figure out what I’m thinking and why, that makes me want to break out in song. Then I go, “Yes, yes,” like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.
I truly believe that most of us want to be understood. We don’t need to be given instructions or to be pitied. We need to be understood. At least I do.
If people don’t get me, that’s OK. I have a hard time with that one myself. But if friends would at least ask questions to help me figure out my conundrums, or just tell me something wise to make me think in the right direction, I’ll find that more helpful than a hug. Maybe hugs is what other women want, but that isn’t the case with this tomboy.
Anyway, this post is about me understanding me. If anybody ever asks how they can comfort me, I will know exactly what to say.
Let me explain. Most women like to offer sympathy in the way of a hug, which is fine. I don’t hate hugs. Guys, on the other hand, like to help me find a solution, which is fine. Ideas are always welcomed.
I do appreciate the effort pals and gals put into trying to help. But although it isn’t a contest, some people come out as winners when it comes to cheering me up. I think I’ve figured out what it is that they do right.
I like it when friends get me. Why is that so hard to find? I don’t know. But it is. Most friends dish out the unsolicited advice, or tell you exactly what they think you should do, or just hug you and walk away.
But when they make the effort to get inside my head and figure out what I’m thinking and why, that makes me want to break out in song. Then I go, “Yes, yes,” like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.
I truly believe that most of us want to be understood. We don’t need to be given instructions or to be pitied. We need to be understood. At least I do.
If people don’t get me, that’s OK. I have a hard time with that one myself. But if friends would at least ask questions to help me figure out my conundrums, or just tell me something wise to make me think in the right direction, I’ll find that more helpful than a hug. Maybe hugs is what other women want, but that isn’t the case with this tomboy.
Anyway, this post is about me understanding me. If anybody ever asks how they can comfort me, I will know exactly what to say.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Depression, Menopause & Career
I was just talking to my husband about the depression that has haunted me my entire life. Until recently, I ignored my lifelong affliction. But I can tell looking back that it has always been an issue.
For a while I called it ADD, because I used to stop mid-step and become immobilized while thinking of some memory. I was so unaware of it, that I rarely mentioned it to a doctor or to a psychologist.
But in recent days, I’ve become convinced that it was pure, unadulterated depression. It may sound “funny,” but in that regard I may be doing better than ever. My enjoyment of life and my ability to be in-the-moment have increased dramatically.
I was telling him that I NEED TO WORK for more than just financial reasons. It is mostly due to health issues, both depression and menopause (which is causing me to gain more weight).
If it isn’t, it should be common knowledge by now that serotonin plays a major role in depression. But serotonin can be produced by our bodies, and exercise is a great way to get it incredibly fast.
It is no wonder that when we travel and walk about 10 kilometres a day I am so balanced and reasonably happy. It is the business, the doing, the movement that helps my mood, by producing the hormones my body needs.
Sitting around the house hardly ever going anywhere is not conducive to a good mood for a person in my situation. So, I was telling my husband that, first of all, I need a job, any job. Second, if possible, I need a job that will keep me moving. Walking around all day would be ideal. It would help me lose weight and it would help me maintain my mood. It would be a drug of sorts.
But it so happens that I have 6 years of post-secondary education in Computers and about 15 years of work experience in the field. Computer geek is written all over my face, and other than three years of experience working in an office doing secretarial work, I have nothing else in my bag of tricks.
My husband says that I should still try to find a job in the computer/office field. I can, he says, then hire a personal trainer that will keep me active, moving, and hire a cleaning person to do the work around the house.
For some reason I don’t find that too appealing, even though that may be what I end up doing. I am thinking that, perhaps, working as a tour guide or in a bakery or even retail would accomplish both, the exercise and the getting me out there, while making me a couple of bucks.
I don’t know if the employment counsellor, with whom I have an appointment this week, will have any ideas in that regard. But given my track record with employment counsellors who haven’t understood me, I feel compelled to lower my expectations, to give the relationship a change to succeed.
I’m also thinking that a part-time job would be ideal. Perhaps easing back into the workforce would be best. Especially, if I get a job that requires walking, since I would be tired at the beginning, another good thing, since I have trouble sleeping (like all other menopausal women).
Anyway, I must admit that trying to choose my next “career” is haunting me of late. It just occurred to me, thought, that whatever I choose does not have to be permanent. It seems that I’m treating the choice as the ultimate live-or-die decision, which it isn’t. I will have to mull over this, to see what I can do to lower the pressure. I’m sure dealing with this issue will make me feel a lot better.
For a while I called it ADD, because I used to stop mid-step and become immobilized while thinking of some memory. I was so unaware of it, that I rarely mentioned it to a doctor or to a psychologist.
But in recent days, I’ve become convinced that it was pure, unadulterated depression. It may sound “funny,” but in that regard I may be doing better than ever. My enjoyment of life and my ability to be in-the-moment have increased dramatically.
I was telling him that I NEED TO WORK for more than just financial reasons. It is mostly due to health issues, both depression and menopause (which is causing me to gain more weight).
If it isn’t, it should be common knowledge by now that serotonin plays a major role in depression. But serotonin can be produced by our bodies, and exercise is a great way to get it incredibly fast.
It is no wonder that when we travel and walk about 10 kilometres a day I am so balanced and reasonably happy. It is the business, the doing, the movement that helps my mood, by producing the hormones my body needs.
Sitting around the house hardly ever going anywhere is not conducive to a good mood for a person in my situation. So, I was telling my husband that, first of all, I need a job, any job. Second, if possible, I need a job that will keep me moving. Walking around all day would be ideal. It would help me lose weight and it would help me maintain my mood. It would be a drug of sorts.
But it so happens that I have 6 years of post-secondary education in Computers and about 15 years of work experience in the field. Computer geek is written all over my face, and other than three years of experience working in an office doing secretarial work, I have nothing else in my bag of tricks.
My husband says that I should still try to find a job in the computer/office field. I can, he says, then hire a personal trainer that will keep me active, moving, and hire a cleaning person to do the work around the house.
For some reason I don’t find that too appealing, even though that may be what I end up doing. I am thinking that, perhaps, working as a tour guide or in a bakery or even retail would accomplish both, the exercise and the getting me out there, while making me a couple of bucks.
I don’t know if the employment counsellor, with whom I have an appointment this week, will have any ideas in that regard. But given my track record with employment counsellors who haven’t understood me, I feel compelled to lower my expectations, to give the relationship a change to succeed.
I’m also thinking that a part-time job would be ideal. Perhaps easing back into the workforce would be best. Especially, if I get a job that requires walking, since I would be tired at the beginning, another good thing, since I have trouble sleeping (like all other menopausal women).
Anyway, I must admit that trying to choose my next “career” is haunting me of late. It just occurred to me, thought, that whatever I choose does not have to be permanent. It seems that I’m treating the choice as the ultimate live-or-die decision, which it isn’t. I will have to mull over this, to see what I can do to lower the pressure. I’m sure dealing with this issue will make me feel a lot better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
