I often wonder why, when people try to comfort me, they rarely achieve their purpose. The reality is that, even though everybody means well, the way they try to soothe my pain is usually not the way to go with me.
Let me explain. Most women like to offer sympathy in the way of a hug, which is fine. I don’t hate hugs. Guys, on the other hand, like to help me find a solution, which is fine. Ideas are always welcomed.
I do appreciate the effort pals and gals put into trying to help. But although it isn’t a contest, some people come out as winners when it comes to cheering me up. I think I’ve figured out what it is that they do right.
I like it when friends get me. Why is that so hard to find? I don’t know. But it is. Most friends dish out the unsolicited advice, or tell you exactly what they think you should do, or just hug you and walk away.
But when they make the effort to get inside my head and figure out what I’m thinking and why, that makes me want to break out in song. Then I go, “Yes, yes,” like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.
I truly believe that most of us want to be understood. We don’t need to be given instructions or to be pitied. We need to be understood. At least I do.
If people don’t get me, that’s OK. I have a hard time with that one myself. But if friends would at least ask questions to help me figure out my conundrums, or just tell me something wise to make me think in the right direction, I’ll find that more helpful than a hug. Maybe hugs is what other women want, but that isn’t the case with this tomboy.
Anyway, this post is about me understanding me. If anybody ever asks how they can comfort me, I will know exactly what to say.
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2 comments:
i was just going to say when i was reading the first of the post, that it's because people need to understand you.
when people don't know the right things to do or say, it's because they aren't getting what's really going on. or they think they are because maybe they went through something similar, but they're wrong.
but people need to really listen and not be afraid to ask questions. to truly understand what someone is going through. i think sometimes we get nervous when someone is upset. maybe we're afraid of saying the wrong thing or upsetting them more. so i think some people hold back.
but it is so nice to find people who truly get us. and sometimes we can be surprised by who gets us in particular moments. the more we are open and share with others, we can find support where we didn't even know it was.
and as for the hugs. i think sometimes people offer those when they have no idea what else to say. maybe that is all they have to give.
although in my case, there are days when i think what would make me feel better than anything is just a hug.
it doesn't solve everything, but it is comforting and soothes the pain.
but that's just me.
Thank you for understanding, katie.
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