I have 50-something followers in Twitter, but I hardly ever establish conversation with anyone. I use Twitter as an information getter for breaking news of my kind: new blog posts by friends, breaking news, sports news, etc.
Once in a while, though, somebody will say something that makes me "talk."
A woman who lives relatively close to me (couple of hours) is one I talk to once in a while. She is a riot. I like her a lot.
Today we talked Canadian politics and she ended up confessing she thought I was brilliant. My first thought was, how do you know that? You've only read a few of my twitts. Of course, she's probably been to my blog, too.
But she didn't say it once. She said it again and again. And the more she said it, the more I felt like crying. I felt like saying, "Stop it already. I can't take it anymore."
Of course, I returned the compliment, but, why do I feel so inadequate when people praise me? Modesty aside, I am sort of used to hearing that. I hear it so often it isn't even funny anymore.
I have a theory.
I feel terrible to be so "brilliant" and to be doing nothing with the so-called talents, other than socializing on line and working on my career occasionally. I'll be doing a website for someone next week.
That must be it, because after writing that, the pressure I was feeling on my chest went away. I must get out there. But I find it so hard to sell myself. To go knocking on doors looking for work.
But, I am making slow progress. Resume ready. Business card ready. Website almost ready. Just need to print out my design and writing samples and I'll be ready to "shine."
Here is where I would like to say, "So, help me God."
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3 comments:
I just realized that the reason it bothers me when people show so much devotion to me is the fear that they will stop liking me.
I have that effect on people. They admire me so much. But eventually they end up hating me.
I don't know how to take neither admiration nor rejection.
Basically, I like it better when people never like me, that way they can never stop liking me.
hmm, yes, it's safer that way, isn't it? more preparation for the rejection we fear. it's so hard to trust and love ourselves. to trust others. that they will love us and not leave us or betray us.
i was just thinking, depending too much on the opinions of others for my self esteem is like having a house built on sand. the sand is everchanging, the tide can wash it away.
i want to be able to depend on people, accept love and compliments, not doubt my worth easily.
i wish the same for you! you are certainly brilliant. :)
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