I grew up in a family where people where illiterate by a developed-nation's standards. They went to school but didn't work very hard, and never read anything that wasn't homework.
I was different. Schoolwork was my entire life and read anything I could put my hands on. I got good grades, but I worked hard for them. Everybody thought I was incredibly smart, though, just because I thought algebra was easy, and they found it impossible.
I, therefore, grew up with the burden that I had to accomplish big things in life, go far, make lots of money, because I was brilliant.
It happened. I did lots of things. But it was a lot of work. I had to give my entire life to accomplishing, because truth be told, I am smart, but I ain't a genius. My IQ is in the 120's not the 170's. By North American standards, I am normal, as opposed to outstanding.
I have always suspected deep down inside that I am not that special, but I still carry the burden of having to accomplish great things on account on somehow being gifted. Well, fuck the brilliance. I am tired of trying to be someone I am not.
I am who I am and have accomplished what I have accomplished: no more no less. I may never accomplish anything in my life ever again, and that will (should) be perfectly fine. As it turns out, I am not Wonder Woman, or Oprah Winfrey, or any other woman that will make the pages of history.
I wonder if I can drop the "burden." Can I just be me? Can I, for instance, work as a clerk at a bookshop and do not feel that I am underachieving?
Can I accept that my body is broken down, aging, and achy, and stop thinking that I should be out there making a large yearly salary? Can I stop hating myself for not even trying to get there?
Can I? Can I?
Is that what I want, though? What the f* do I want?
Do I hate people or do I need people? Can I even stand them? Am I willing to compromise just to be with them? Should I develop some tolerance?
A person with so much shit in the brain can't possibly be that brilliant, so to hell with it.
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3 comments:
ooh good for you for writing this! for what it's worth i think your anger is completely valid and justified. you've lived with a lifetime of pressure to live up to those standards. to be the "hero" to your family. i can identify.
you know the 4 roles children are said to play in dysfunctional families? they talk about: the scapegoat, the hero, the clown and the lost child. well my brother and i seemed like textbook examples, he was the clown scapegoat, and i was the hero lost child. the invisible perfect one. great grades, well behaved, played a little too well alone~ all to earn love. none of which made me feel loved for who i truly was! i was lonely and sad. i let the popular kids cheat off me so they would like me. i felt like my parents showed me off and cared more about my accomplishments than about me, more about making them look good and feel proud, than wanting to know who i really was or if i was truly happy. it sounds like you might have had this same experience. have you seen the joy luck club? this discussion is reminding me of a character in that movie. again i'm the crazy movie lady. anyway, i'm sure you would love it :)
but as to you specifically, i think it's a great idea to put down that burden and just be whoever you want and find out what makes you happy. i hope you can find what that is. if it's being a clerk in a bookstore, i say go for it! :)
Yes, I was--am--the hero and also forgotten. Abandonment is one of my issues.
At age 9 I was reading encyclopedias because (1) I had no toys, (2) We had no TV, (3) I wasn't allowed to play with the neighbours, (4) My siblings didn't play, (5) I really loved reading encyclopedias.
At that age, I read a whole volume on sports and learned all the rules. That's why I'm a sports freak.
Nowadays, I am the scapegoat. They're always complaining that I am mean, that I don't give them money when they're needy, that I think myself superior, that I put them down (even if I don't talk I do wrong), etc.
Wow! It hurt to write that.
Thank you for suggesting the movie. I wish you lived around here so we could watch movies together. I like too many things. Other than being a news, sports, and Internet junkie, I also read all kinds of books and magazines, watch crime shows, and love cooking and baking.
Anyway, thank you for understanding and for giving me the example of you and your brother. It helps!
By the way, what I like doing is writing. That's my thing. I could write all day long given the chance.
I'd like to post as "Unrepentant" on your blog, if that's OK.
post however you want on my blog~ and i'll call you by whatever name you post as :)
that would be great to get to watch and discuss these movies together. that's sweet of you to say. definitely the joy luck club should be high on your list. very powerful film.
i'm sorry you're the scapegoat now. i was just thinking of the scapegoat last night. they are the ones who take all the pain and shame from the dysfunctional system. people don't want to look at themselves or at their flaws, so they blame everything on you. say it's all your fault. say you're the one hurting everyone. but none of that is true. they're just unhealthy.
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