The problem with growing up with people in denial is that they're all basically liars.
I think that, in my family, I am the only person who tells the truth. Perhaps the reason I am TOO truthful is that I had to compensate for all the lying happening around me. (I've been too truthful in that I have rarely considered a person's feelings when telling the truth. I have only been working on that for the last couple of years, so much learning is needed in that department.)
Interestingly, though, I just noticed, in the last few days, what huge liars they all are. I guess I knew of individual incidences, but I never put it all together and admitted it to myself.
On my previous post I wrote a comment about the blue room. They all said it was red, but I saw blue. For saying it was blue they made me pay, harshly.
I am currently thinking of the consequences of seeing the truth, expressing the truth, and being told it isn't so. Wouldn't that make a person insane? Isn't that a form of brainwashing? You get rewarded for admitting a lie and punished for seeing the truth.
What does that say of a person like me who went through the torture of brainwashing and didn't completely fall for it, or "convert?"
Personally, I think the consequence is emotional deformity--as in a metaphor for deformed body parts as a result of torture.
Another result is partial insanity or emotional dyslexia, if you will. In other words, the doubt is always there. Is the room red or blue? I am just not sure, because sometimes they told me the truth, so how do I know they were completely wrong? Maybe the room is purple.
Put another way, I think I go trough life judging everyone and everything. There is no such thing as taking anything at face value for me. The doubt will always be there. Are they right or am I right?
My perception of reality is skewed, yes. But also my brain works overtime. It's a wonder it hasn't actually burned as in a short-circuited wire. Always trying to figure out if things are as real as they look adds up a humongous layer of stress to my life. Right this moment, I feel so sorry for me.
I have to think about this some more.
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11 comments:
I had the same feeling, but for me it was voicing my opinions of the colour of the room in the family-church setting, which took the place of the family for me.
Sometimes, I think it makes more sense to just be quiet or tactful about things, but it does take its toll on us, I think, as we're not allowed to be who we are, fully.
wow i really identify with what you have written here. are you in my brain? :) you articulate so well here what is my reality too. i feel tons of self-doubt and doubt in general. i never made the connection between that and growing up in a household of denial. lightbulb! thank you.
i'm sorry you feel this way. i know it stinks. part of what i'm working on in this is trying to trust myself. to continue getting in touch with my own instincts, my own feelings. the more i do this, the stronger i imagine my core will become, and less susceptible to the changing winds of doubt and confusion around me.
i hope you're doing well~
by the way, i love your new page look! beautiful :)
boy this issue has really come up for me lately. i'm really glad you wrote about it. it's helped me think a bit more clearly as all these issues have been swarming around. thanks~
p.s. i gave you an award at my blog :D
** Temaskian **
It does sound like the church was a real family to you, and a dysfunctional one at that. Or was it dysfunctional?
I guess they were dysfunctional in that they rejected you and shunned you instead of teaching you the art of getting along with others.
Instead of shunning you or rejecting you, they could have said,
"Temaskian, I know you feel that way, but how about you learn to keep your opinions to yourself. Life will be easier that way because people feel threatened when you express your strong opinions. Here, let me tell you how you can politely tell others what you are thinking so they won't be offended."
No one told us, Temaskian. We had to learn the hard way, and now we are so hurt that the pain won't go away.
** Mountainmamma **
Glad I echoed your feelings. To one degree or another, all adults must realize that our parents were deceitful, sometimes for our own good, sometimes for their own.
I personally believe that adults who uphold their parents as "gods" are immature. Learning that our parents weren't perfect and taking charge of our lives is a big step in becoming our own person.
Thank you for the award! I'll acknowledge it properly later when I am not so busy and tired.
oh i know, i've never been able to relate when people uphold their parents. to me my parents have always been flawed humans.
thanks again for talking about denial~ hope you had a nice trip!
I like your new Avatar, Mountainmama.
thanks, i find it a calming and healing image. lotus blossoms are so pretty. i like your image too :)
Wow! I'm glad I read the comments on mountainmama's blog and found yours! I too am kindling a career and dealing with aches and pains! I like the way you talk about deformity happening as a result of denial. You keep on finding and speaking the truth that you see!! If the room is blue, red or striped, your viewpoint is valid and we need to hear it! Thank you for being open and expressive.
You're probably right, they did not bother to teach me and guide me. And as I've said, it's probably because they were glad to see me go, due to their envy and jealousy, as well as me being the trouble-maker. I was more trouble than they could handle. Also, in a family church, it helps if you belong to a particular family. I was all on my own. I had no father, mother, or sibling in that church.
Wow, I like the way you said it, it hurts so much that the pain won't go away. I think that's accurate. I wish it would go away, though. God knows, I've probably tried all kinds of methods to make it go away. Positive thinking, denial, attempting to make new friends. One of these has got to work.
** Lisa **
Thank you for reading and for your nice words. I'll add you to my blog roll so we can stay in touch.
** Temaskian **
Maybe the pain won't go away. Maybe we've got to do pain management. The only thing that works for me in PRESENT MOMENT AWARENESS, as in the book The power of now.
Those moments when I concentrate on what's in front of me and stop re-living the past are my happiest ones.
Agree. Living in the now works for me too.
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