I've rarely considered the possibility that other people's behaviour may have triggered my poor reaction. Perhaps a "mea culpa" syndrome I learned as a Christian?
When a teenager, I was--at times--a real bitch to my mother, and the guilt about that comes back to haunt me every once in a while. Most of my bitchy tantrums had to do with disbelieving anything Mother said.
She claimed something was dangerous, for instance, and I ridiculed her. Then she swore at me or slapped me.
I've come to understand, though, that I had good reasons for distrusting anything she said. She was a pathological liar. When she was sick, for example, and she was lying silently in bed, she started moaning the moment she suspected someone was around. She knew very well how to look as if she was dying.
I was only nine or ten when, every time she became sick, I looked at her, turned around, and mentally classified it as acting.
She also lied about many other situations. There were lots of stories she told that as soon as I started to think for myself I dismissed as huge lies. There was absolutely no reason why I should believe anything she ever said. The truth rarely came out of her lips.
One time she came to our bedroom, early in the morning, and from behind the ajar door said she'd been in a car accident. I laughed. "Yeah, right," I said.
Then she opened the door and I saw a two-inch bleeding cut on her forehead. I still feel guilty about that.
Of course, there were lies she said that I did believe. I am not sure that I have completely gotten her half-truths out of my system yet. Who she truly is and what her life has really been like I will never know. But it is little wonder that every time I mention awful stories from my childhood she denies them and gets really angry.
In fact, that's the main reason we can't have a relationship. She wants me to delete from my mental records every unpleasant experience I had in my life at home and go around saying that I was the happiest child ever.
It appears that my mother failed to make me into a liar like her, and she can't forgive me for that. Seeing me, I believe, makes her face reality, and she can't stand it, so she hates me.
Isn't compulsive lying a symptom of sociopathy? I think Mother should give herself to science. She would make an excellent subject of study.
As for me, it seems only logical that I would distrust every person in the universe. I find it incredibly difficult to believe anyone is trustworthy. I'm going to raise this issue in counselling, as it seems foundational to many of my troubles.
5 comments:
Hey Lorena,
Thanks for posting this, and for inviting me to your more personal blog. You are now on my follow list on both names. I've enjoyed backreading, and am sure I will continue to enjoy this blog going forward.
It does my heart good to read about somebody else's trust issues and the story behind them. Although it must have been really, really painful to write, and I salute you for it.
Seems like your mom, though her actions, systematically destroyed your ability to have faith in her. And then punished you with guilt (or taught you how to punish yourself with guilt) for not having faith in her. You learned by experience that lies were the default, but had to feel guilty for not having trust.
With my mom it was not my faith in her that I ended up questioning--it was my faith in my ability to remember and to desire. If something that happened in the past didn't match with what she was saying at the moment, then that must not have been how it happened. I was (or my sisters or my dad were) just remembering it wrong and making up lies just to go against her. If I really, really wanted or enjoyed something, then my punishment for doing something bad would be to take that thing away, whatever it was. So everything seemed normal and fine when I was little--there was very little yelling and the spankings were mostly for form's sake. But I came into adolescence a withered husk of a person, with no trust or confidence and an ulcer.
Yet the childhood I had was miles and miles better than the one my mom experienced. We lived in one house my whole childhood. My dad made a good living. Mom made sure we were well-fed and clothed and homeschooled us (me and my big sister at least) really well. As far as she could tell she was doing as well as she could.
My point is, I think the things that parents mess up their kids with are the hurt and broken parts of themselves they're not able or willing to face. The more I think about my own childhood and the more stories I hear of other people's, the more I believe this. Except I suppose for parents who genuinely don't give a damn about their kids, who unfortunately exist. But most do the best they can with what they've learned about how to be human. And a lot of humans learned some really crappy lessons and never unlearned them.
ooh i like what fiat lex had to say. i agree very much.
i think it sounds like you have plenty of experience to back up not trusting people. and your mom's denial is so strong, it makes my mom look like the most honest person ever. and she's not at all. denial is such a terrible defense mechanism. my mom has a lot of it. it can be so angering to be subjected to the denial of others. especially when the things they deny are the ways you were hurt. i think it's all to protect their own egos. they need to feel like they are an ok person. sometimes i think they have no idea how hurtful this is. but that does not excuse it.
as for your actions as a teenager, you sound like you were a smart teenager who grew up in a "boy who cried wolf" environment, not to mention everything else going on in your environment. i can't help but wonder if whatever guilt you feel is guilt she wants you to feel. as punishment. i don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. but i don't mean that in an invalidating way. i mean it in an empowering way.
that's so great you're in counseling. i think everyone needs it.
i hope you're doing well today~
Fiat Lex
** Seems like your mom, though her actions, systematically destroyed your ability to have faith in her. And then punished you with guilt (or taught you how to punish yourself with guilt) for not having faith in her. You learned by experience that lies were the default, but had to feel guilty for not having trust. **
Excellent summary!
** If something that happened in the past didn't match with what she was saying at the moment, then that must not have been how it happened. I was (or my sisters or my dad were) just remembering it wrong and making up lies just to go against her.**
It sounds like Bible interpretation by fundys. They manipulate the Bible until it approves of their current actions.
** But I came into adolescence a withered husk of a person, with no trust or confidence and an ulcer.**
Wow! It sounds like we get the symptoms of our dysfunctional parent's illness, without the disease. Or perhaps we get a new disease with the same symptoms.
Scary! They give us who they are completely. We don't need to have had their miserable lives to experience the same pain they experienced.
**But most do the best they can with what they've learned about how to be human. And a lot of humans learned some really crappy lessons and never unlearned them.**
Totally agree. But when we are not in denial ourselves, having a relationship with them is nearly impossible.
It depends, I guess. My mother hits, and I wouldn't want to sleep in the same house for fear that she would kill me. So in my case, it is about safety. The woman IS crazy.
Mountainmama
** denial is such a terrible defense mechanism. my mom has a lot of it. it can be so angering to be subjected to the denial of others. **
She has told us many stories of what happened to her. It WAS horrible. But she still says she is well and that I AM THE ONE WHO IS CRAZY.
My mother is violent, hurtful, and all around a despicable person.
When I think of her, I picture an insane person behind bars, with overgrown fingernails, dis-shoveled hair, and screaming and cursing at passers by. That's how I see my mother.
I have to wonder if I also see myself that way, to a certain degree. (Wow! Here is some breakthrough).
**i can't help but wonder if whatever guilt you feel is guilt she wants you to feel. as punishment. **
Good point. Maybe I am exactly where she wants me.
** i don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. but i don't mean that in an invalidating way. i mean it in an empowering way. **
Thanks! I can use some empowering.
Sometimes I think I grew up in a blue room. Everybody said it was red but I saw blue.
For saying that the room was actually blue they bullied me, hit me, made me feel like shit, and ultimately disowned me.
Now, I have no idea what colour the room is. They have hurt me so much that they finally destroyed me.
i know just what you mean. i think that dysfunctional people often see things so drastically different from reality, and the more we are exposed to them, the more crazy we feel. but the more distance we get, the more we can see that talking to them is like talking to someone on another planet. i think it's so healthy that you have established such a strong boundary with your family, such a strong move for you. a way to build validation and sanity. that distance can provide such healing. you will finally be able to say, yes the room was blue, i know it was blue, and the fact they all see it as red is their problem, not yours. you are not crazy. you are brave. i admire you for taking care of yourself.
i think you've said you're not a touchy-feely person, but here's a hug if you want one~ ((hug))
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