I was thinking of my sister's annoying behaviour just now. All of a sudden, I realized that most annoying people do so while we are trying to be liked. Individuals who go about life not requiring approval and admiration are often fine to hang out with.
I think of all the annoying behaviours I'm trying to recover from: talking too much, constantly trying to bring the conversation to ME, being overly helpful (making people feel sorry they asked), providing unsolicited advice, telling everybody my latest breakthroughs (in cooking, self-discoveries, etc.), working hard to make a situation perfect (like a party), speaking evil of others (thinking others agreed).
All those things I did in the past in an effort to be liked, to feel that I belonged, to hear others pat me on the back and tell me that I am alright.
However, the effect on others was the opposite: I annoyed them. Most made an effort not to roll their eyes, but they did walk away leaving me there talking.
I have to wonder how much of what my sister does is an effort to be admired and loved. Yet she annoys me so much that I have no choice but to withdraw from her. I know that I should probably just tell her how I feel, and I've been doing so in recent months. But she just had a baby and she is "on hormones." This isn't a good time to be letting her know how much she annoys me.
So, I will stay safe--away from her. She is a bundle of anger. It is as if anything I say or do could make her burst out in uncontrollable rage. Perhaps she needs to be alone with her baby and figure everything out.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
wow, this post is like looking into a disturbingly accurate mirror. thanks for this. i've definitely been considered annoying and frustrating by significant others in my life and this has been often confusing and heartbreaking. and i think you point out exactly why, because often my behavior that is so annoying is part of my desperate attempt to be liked and likeable. not sure where i need to go next, but i'd definitely like to be free of being annoying or bringing frustration about in others and ending up having hurt feelings.
i think it's nice of you to give your sister space, instead of conveying your annoyance to her. or trying to "change her" to make her less annoying. better for you both to have space. how very un-codependent of you :) practicing healthy detachment. hopefully she will figure things out on her own.
I so love your blog and appreciate the way you tell it like it is.
I understand a bit about trying to be what others want me to be. It's a major issue I'm working on in CoDA.
I feel pretty good about myself, most of the time, but when I am around certain people, all I can see is my "flaws." It's as if I'm worried that the real me isn't going to be good enough for those around me.
Great blog, great topic.
mountainmama,
I am not sure I'm happy I brought this up. But I hope that my shit helps you a little, other than just making you sad. We are all wonderful people in spite of our annoyances. Let's tell ourselves that.
Marjean,
Thanks, Marjean. You seem to have an interesting blog, too. I will add you to my blogroll.
Shen,
I went to CODA for a while, too. Sometimes I wish it were more popular. I've rarely met a person who didn't need it.
I am going to write a post on the things I've heard which may help us with the need for approval. But it is a very difficult feeling to tackle. That's for sure.
oh i'm very glad you brought it up. and it didn't make me sad. :) it zinged right where i needed to focus. sadness came out too, but that is a good thing. pity party avoided, actual growth taking place. thanks!
Post a Comment