Misery

I've been feeling miserable for a couple of days. Ever since I started linking in with former co-workers on linkedin.com.

There are several reasons why that makes me miserable.

It reminds me of the horrible person I used to be, and that I can sometimes be, when I turn into my mother. I know all those co-workers know how good I was technically, but they also remember how intolerant and difficult to work with I was. I can only hope they feel sorry for me. It was that bad. We were friendly when we were co-workers, but my inferiority complex when it comes to interpersonal relationships, especially those in my past, is alive and well.

I know I have to forgive myself, and I have. But I can't expect that other people are going to forgive me, too.

It also makes me miserable to see that even those co-workers who were under-performers are out there with a career in technology, and I'm not. It is very hard to swallow.

But, even though I feel terrible, I think it's a good thing that social media gives me the change to sneak my nose out there and see where everyone is and what they're doing. Imagine that! In the past, when we lost touch with former acquaintances, our chances of finding them again were minimal, unless we kept in touch.

Nowadays, you can go to linkedin.com, search by name, and there they are. You can know where they've been working since you saw them last, and what they're doing right now. If I hadn't been so hard to work with, that would be a mine of contacts for me. I could probably get myself a job on the spot. But that isn't the case. My business manners were bad, and now I have to live with it.

I think it is healthy to face reality and process all those memories. It takes me to a place of acceptance. I can acknowledge that I was a real bitch, and look at reality straight on the face. All these years I've been locked in the house because I didn't want to see that face. It was easier to hide. But now I am out there.

I was also embarrassed that they would find out what kind of a loser I had turned out to be. But the truth is out there now. I can't hide anymore.

So yes, I am miserable these days. The pariah complex is back to haunt me, and I have to live with it, bravely so.

It reminds me of the time I sent a letter to a gentleman confessing my love for him. He said he didn't feel the same way. But the next time I saw him, I had to walk by him with my chin up. About six months later, I met my lovely husband.

Career wise, I am trying to talk nicely to myself. I am saying, "That was the first half of your life, now you can be different in the second half. You don't need those people who know your past to start a new life, other than using a couple of the nicest ones as references. Use this challenge as motivation to get out there and reclaim your career."

I really can use the motivation. Up to a couple of weeks ago, the motivation was that my husband was going to lose his job. I can't use that one anymore. Maybe I can tell myself that I need to get out there and make some new, positive contacts that I can look to, in the future, proudly.

Right now, my eyes are dry but my heart bleeds. It bleeds from a lifetime of ruined relationships and opportunities. I'm going to believe that there is another opportunity out there for me. I have to believe. I have no choice.

I just hope that my body will hold up. This is a lot to handle.