Anger & Control

Today I had a meeting with the manager of the non-profit I’ve been referring to in previous posts. Thankfully, we have clarified all the misconceptions. The woman that was my contact has, for now, been set aside, at least for technical issues.

The problem is that her technical abilities are so minimal, that most of our discussions over the past few weeks went over her head. Then she went to her manager to pass information she made up. No wonder I was so furious. Instead of helping, this person has been a stumbling block.

But I learned a few things about me during the process and will continue to learn, I’m sure.

Excessive anger and aggression

Went I become furious, even in the middle of it all, I can see that the amount of anger is excessive. I can feel the emotion in my bones, even. Then, I carefully consider the situation, and it doesn’t look like a big deal. But I seem unable to control the deep fury.

Husband and I went to Bellingham, Washington, yesterday, to pickup a pressure canner I ordered from Wal-Mart, and for which I chose store pickup. We made it into a day trip and, among other things, we went browsing to a couple of second-hand bookstores. I wasn’t even looking in the self-help section when my eyes found a book that I never even picked up. The title was, “Why are you so defensive?”

At that moment, I had an aha moment and answered the question. “Because I think everybody is attacking me.”

I knew that I had that problem, but I never connected it to anger. All of a sudden, however, I realized why I hate it when the phone rings, or why, when I am employed, I dislike being called to a meeting, or why I’m distraught when the doorbell rings. I never expect good news. What I always get is a heavy feeling that I’ll be told off, that I’ll be wrongly accused of slacking off, that I will be required to do something I don’t want to do, or at the very least, that I’ll have to talk to someone I’ve been avoiding.

Of course, it all originates in my childhood, when Mom worked very hard at finding something wrong with me, because she just had to find something. She thought that being a good mother was to help me be always perfect.

It follows that I’ve lived my entire life under the microscope, thinking that everybody is watching me closely and rating my performance. Good thing that I took God out of the equation already, but now I have to deal with my fear of everyone else.

I know that I have to take the gloves off. But I also need an attitude correction. I need to somehow convince myself that the entire humanity isn’t out to get me, ready to give me a low performance review. I must stop defending myself. And, quite honestly, I have no idea how to do it. I was trained, like a lab rat, to defend myself, and I don’t know how to stop it.

That’s one of my issues. The other one is control (that little bugger keeps showing up everywhere).

Control

When you think you have to be perfect to succeed in the world, you need to control all the small details in order to put out a perfect performance.

It’s almost like a mental illness, because you’re under the mistaken belief that it is imperative that you be flawless. And you’re so afraid of being found in error that you try to control everything around you, so that what you’re trying to do comes to pass with flying colours.

If for the plan to work I need my husband to speak to his mother, for instance, then I insist tirelessly that he speaks to her. And when he fails to follow my wishes, I will be angry, very angry, because now I will look deficient, and I want to appear perfect.

I find it frustrating that, when seen with a cool head, it is quite evident that the behaviour is dysfunctional. But when in the heat of a situation, it is so hard to stop the emotions from erupting.

The woman I’ve been referring to makes me angry, because she won’t use e-mail and calls me at all hours of the day, even at supper time. It is reasonable that her calling would make me uncomfortable. What’s unreasonable is the large amount of uncontrollable anger I feel. And the reason for that is that I can’t control what she does. I have told her to e-mail me, but she doesn’t get it. Now, if I could just turn her into a robot who does exactly as I say, wouldn’t that be heaven? (Smirk)

Even when at the intellectual level I know that others aren't robots whose life mission is to obey me, it still angers me when they don't do as told. What can I say? When my emotions catch up with my head, it will be a jolly day.

The other issue I've seen up close and personal in the last few days is the hidden ways in which I can be judgmental. I will tackle that one on my next post.