Nowadays I am more eager than ever to experience my feelings and to pay careful attention to the progression of my emotions during troubled times.
As per my previous post, I went through an incident last night, which sent me back down to the pit of despair all over again. But I was watching myself through it all.
Earlier on the day, I had gone to meet the one woman at the non-for-profit I’ve been dealing with, another volunteer. I was surprised that we had a pleasant interchange, because I couldn’t stand her at the beginning, a few weeks ago. I didn’t like that she was calling me at all hours, including supper time, for insignificant issues that could have easily been dealt with via e-mail.
With a heavy heart, I met her at a McDonald's yesterday, fully prepared for the worst. She turned out to be a very nice person, easy to talk to, with much in common with me. I even entertained the idea that we could coffee sometimes and even become friends.
The meeting was highly productive, I came home really happy, and was on a “high” until I received that disturbing e-mail in the evening, when I went on a severe “low.” I was angry, sad, discouraged, and all of that. I continued to watch myself.
I first felt the anger. I closed my eyes and let myself feel all the force of the anger. I could feel it coming out of my ears. That sent me quickly to the sadness stage. Good thing. Sometimes I stay angry for days. Then I decided to shut down my e-mail until I felt better. For 24 hours I worked on making myself happy. It was hard, but I felt better finally. I did it by solving a problem that had been distressing me with another website I’m working on. After that, I felt brave enough to open my e-mail.
There was an e-mail there from the woman. In short, She said sorry for the misunderstanding and thank you for the help.
I felt so relieved that I went on another “high.” So, so happy I could’ve gone around the block hope skipping. Thankfully, I had enough sense to notice that I did need to settle down. I accomplished that by popping a Midsomer Murders DVD on the computer and watching it from beginning to end.
Note to self: watch a movie next time you need to calm down. It works because it takes your mind completely away from self and focuses it somewhere else.
I do not believe I’m manic depressive, ‘cause I have a friend who is, and I know how much more extreme and lengthy the bipolar stages are. But I do experience some aspects of it, I think. Why do I rarely feel just good, or at peace? Why do I have to experience those huge emotional swings? That’s got to be detrimental to my health. In fact, I had trouble sleeping last night. My shoulders hurt and I couldn’t sleep on my side like I usually do.
Anyway, I will raise the issue in therapy. I must find ways to manage those highs and lows. It just isn’t healthy.
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6 comments:
Watching a movie --- that sounds like a great solution! Will keep that in mind as a solution too.
Wow...great tip. I've found too that taking my mind completely off something that's upsetting me...results in a resolution...even if it's just a kid who WILL not sleep! I think our thoughts are like a remote control...once we switch off the signal, the situation can proceed without our needing to 'control' it!
Kudos on achieving this!
i can identify with what you experienced this weekend A LOT. in my case, for example, i'll be worried someone is upset with me because i haven't heard from them for awhile. and i'll get mopey and feel bad and analyze myself to death wondering what i did wrong. and then i'll hear from them, and there was no problem. and i'll go from sad to ecstatic - snap! - just like that. and then i'll get depressed and wonder what's wrong with me because it seems i went through all that for nothing. that i did that to myself.
that's my version of what i go through that i felt related to what you experienced anyway.
i think this is part of what comes from letting other people or outside circumstances govern our happiness. at least that is the conclusion i'm seeing for myself lately. how much of yourself have you invested in this work? how much of your time? how much of your self-esteem has been involved? i would imagine if this was your first step back into the working world in awhile, that the pressure may have been on a bit high for you, for this to go well. so at this step of difficulty with others, i can totally understand how it would feel like all the air had been let out of your balloon and you would want to quit. and you would end up thinking "i don't need this."
i think you handled the situation really well. giving yourself the space and time to feel your feelings, and take a step back from them to take care of yourself. and to deal with the people involved and come to a healthy process about it, problem resolved, positive communication achieved. so healthy!
i think sometimes when we're having difficulty with others, it can be our default reaction to just pull the escape hatch and cut off. but if you're trying to explore new avenues here and see what good you can get from this experience, pushing on through the conflict and seeing what may be on the other side can be so rewarding.
i think that experience you had would have frustrated most people. so i don't think it was just you or anything. organizations can be mismanaged and disorganized, communicate poorly and do things like micromanaging. it can be so frustrating, but i think if we can maintain healthy distance emotionally, and maintain perspective, then that will help us feel "safer" and more stable.
that's my current theory on the matter anyway~
hugs to you!! it sounds like you're doing a great job taking care of yourself~~~
Temaskian
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Yes, watching movies is much better than TV. The lack of commercials forces you concentrate harder.
Starry
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Ideally, I guess, we should meditate to halt the stream of negative messages, but it is too hard to empty our minds when we are so distressed.
I suppose it's better to watch a movie, because we don't have to do anything, just sit there and let our thoughts travel somewhere else.
MMM
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Thank you for understanding. Yes, I do let circumstances dictate how I feel, and i do not know how to stop feeling that way.
They upset me last night, again, by calling an urgent meeting for today. I had been away, in Washington state for the day, and they were a bit upset that I wasn't picking up the phone.
So I was furious. I'm just a volunteer. I'm not supposed to be there at their beck and call.
The trouble is the large amount of anger and the reason for it. I shall write about it next.
The meeting went really well, and it became abundantly clear the the woman I've been dealing with is the problem--though the issue was never raised and no fingers were pointed. Everything went on politely and business like. Thank "god."
yes, how on earth do we remain healthily detached and not let things get to us? i don't think i know either. something about finding a way to stay centered and grounded so that no matter what is going on around us, we can have unruffled feathers. i don't have any definite answers as i'm working on this myself...
i guess one method i have been working on lately might be - take time before responding to people when you can. process with someone else or some other way first. otherwise your response will be steeped in your first emotional reaction and you may feel at the mercy of your emotions and therefore feel controlled by outside forces.
one more idea i've heard of is it's ok to dictate your terms to others. like someone told me once, "we teach people how to treat us." like you could tell them that if they want to reach you, they may do so via email only. and you will only respond during daytime office hours. i mean, as you say, you are a volunteer. if you did not agree to be available on an immediate emergency basis, at all hours of the day, it's ok to let them know they cannot expect this of you.
like my last job, i think they expected me to be a workaholic and be available 24/7 like some of my coworkers. i politely let them know i was available for the hours i agreed to and no more. and would not respond to my cell outside of those hours. i would not come in early. i would not work weekends.
they didn't appreciate it and continued to be somewhat manipulative trying to get me to work extra. but i figured that was their problem and i didn't let them convince me it was mine just because they felt overwhelmed and needy.
am i onto something with any of this? i don't know if you were actually looking for suggestions, so sorry if i'm being advicey and you didn't want that. :)
and just to be validating here, that sounds like b.s. for them to call you last night demanding you attend an urgent meeting today. i think it would have upset me too.
but i'm glad to hear that meeting went so well and reinforced non-dramatically that the problem isn't you. :)
again, it sounds like you're handling all this so well~~~
again, it sounds like you're handling all this so well~~~
LOL! I think the outward appearances are working OK. It is inside that I've been burning up. But I'm determined to learn as much as possible from the situation.
Like some self-help gurus say, our enemies are our best teachers.
Thanks for the suggestions, BTW.
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