Sick. Again?

I am sick again, and I can’t believe it. I honestly can’t. What on earth is wrong with me?

About three weeks ago, I was disabled by a brutal sinus infection. Then, last Saturday, husband and I worked on the shed. He is making it bigger. So I helped, screwing boards, nailing shingles on the roof, carrying stuff, etc. After 12 hours of that, I was dead tired. I told him that I felt like an Israelite in Egypt, and that he was the slave driver.

Early on Sunday we headed to Victoria, BC, to a British Museum exhibit. It was awesome, because it had a little bit of several cultures through time, up to the present. There was a replica of the Rosetta stone. I will write something on the other blog about aha moments I had while going through the exhibit.

That night, at about midnight, I woke up with abdominal pain, suffered in silence for two hours, and then woke my husband up and asked him to take me to the ER. Shaking in pain, I even had trouble talking and putting my clothes on.

We finally left, and just before arriving at the hospital, I threw up. After that, the pain faded slowly, and since the ER was busy, we headed back to the hotel after a few hours, having never seen a Dr. So, I don’t know what happened.

Thursday night (yesterday), I was picking up stuff off the floor in the bathroom, and when I stood up, my lower back hurt like crazy. I could hardly walk. But I went to the gym anyway. I figured that the steam room, the hot tub, and the swimming pool would cure me. They didn’t.

It was hard to sleep last night, because turning over and getting up hurt. It felt (still does) as if I was carrying a back of rocks on my lower back.

Being sick continually for three-to-four weeks is extremely frustrating. I was happy yesterday, because I was able to catch up with housework. I baked two loaves of bread and one cake, made ice cream, cleaned the kitchen (it is reasonably large), and did the laundry.

I put in a few hours of moderate work, and I get injured. How frustrating that feels is hard to put into words. It sends me back to the reason I haven’t made an effort to find work all these years. I am always getting sick with something.

Is it possible at all that deep down inside I don’t want to be out there in the world struggling to earn a living like every one else? Am I unconsciously making myself sick?

I doubt it. I want to be healthy so bad that, for the last three months, I’ve become a vegetarian. I’ve been eating my fruit and my vegetables and doing everything in my power to feel better. But I am not feeling better. I’m feeling worse.

It’s so frustrating that I’ve been thinking that I will surrender my fibroid-filled uterus to the knife, hoping that it is some fibroid which is pressing a nerve and causing the pain. Women who have gone through the change already don’t know how good they have it.

In the last two-or-three days, I’ve gone back to feeling sorry for myself. Most careers don’t appeal to me, and I just want to stay home and away from people.

Professionals I’ve been having information interviews with tell me that the way to get into any field is via networking. I’m supposed to be out there talking to all kinds of people telling them what I can do, and I don’t feel like doing that at all.

Is there a career that suits depression-prone people? I think there is: computer programming. Maybe I was in the right career all along. Maybe I should go back to that. But Husband was surprised to hear me say that. He knows how much I love writing.

Maybe just maybe, I will rest my thoughts for a week and see how I feel then. I shouldn’t be trying to make decisions when my spine hurts from top to bottom, my lower back is sore from hip to hip, and my feet and my arms hurt for whatever reason.

It just occurred to me that maybe I should see a doctor. Trouble is that I don’t trust them, but I will go tomorrow anyway. At least whatever I’m feeling will be on record, and perhaps they can eventually put the puzzle together and tell me what is wrong with me.

But, I always decide to go to the doctor at night and change my mind in the morning. Let’s see what mood the morning finds me in.