I am feeling OK today. It seems that we have been in limbo for so long, that the shock of his unemployment isn't new at all. It's just business as usual.
Before knowing that he would be unemployed, I was already concerned about my professional future, knowing that I needed to go back out there, and that I had to decide what to do when that happened. I'm still not sure, so I continue to ponder. But I have some ideas that I will pursue.
The gist of it is that, in my eyes, feeling good is up to me. I know that lots of people in the world have mortgages or rent to pay, and that they live from pay cheque to pay cheque. We don't. We have no debt of any kind. And knowing that helps. It is very comforting. Actually, just writing that felt really good. Maybe I should write it again.
The pressure I had before to go back to the workforce is the same pressure I feel today. No changes there.
My husband will have to deal with his own feelings and unemployment any way he chooses to. But I am determined not to worry. As I said, lots of people would be on the street without a pay cheque. We won't. I need to learn to appreciate my blessings.
I have always put way too much emphasis on material possessions for my happiness. That's an area where I haven't improved at all, that fear of being poor and needy. I need to let go of that. I need to move to a place of expecting good things, financial or not.
In spite of it all, I am thankful for the dream of a new house. When you have it all, you stop dreaming. And dreaming of a better house may propel me to leave the sofa and to get out there to use my many skills and qualifications.
In a way, I've been wishing for something to jump start me on the path of a new career. I've got it. I need to have a job so I can contribute my abilities, stop depending on my husband's salary for our financial survival, save more for our retirement, and buy a better house.
I just hope that the drive won't die. That I will keep going no matter what. That I won't let anything defeat me.
It is sad that my husband's dream has to die so mine can start to develop. But I do hope that he can get himself a great job where he will be more appreciated and respected than he was at his current one.
As for the deep pain and despair that I feel once in a while, I will continue to make a conscious effort to acknowledge it and let it be when it comes. I just have to give my body the change to purge out the fear, so it won't make me physically ill.
Here is hoping that my body will hold up through this ordeal.
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3 comments:
it sounds like you are aware of so much, and that you're handling this all very well. i think acknowledging the fear and the pain is part of being healthy. and taking care of your body meanwhile is so important too.
i hope this time in your lives, though frightening and unstable feeling, is just a brief temporary moment. and that you both are able to be happy with whatever path you take next.
but yes meanwhile, i'm so glad that you have savings! that is wonderful. hopefully that will help keep either of you from making a life choice in desperation, choosing a job you hate.
Thanks, Katie.
I've been thinking that we should see this as a vacation. Time to spend together and look for work as hard as we can.
I am determined to not be miserable.
Today, I've been working on that website all day. Working really helps.
I should try to find a job in web design actually. I really like it. Maybe I'll take some courses and look for work in that area.
that all sounds great~
here's one more hug :)
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