Saturday, March 27, 2010

Working on my issues

I’ve been working on my issues for many years now. What are my issues? Rage, depression, lack of people’s skills, blurting out my unfiltered thoughts consistently, speaking evil of people behind their backs, speaking evil at people on their own faces, hating anyone with imperfections, getting easily upset and never forgiving, etc. etc.

It is very hard to live in the world when people have to be perfect to make your list of only-people-she-will-ever-talk-to.

My issues are severe, serious, and difficult to overcome. But I’ve been working at it. Of late, the one issue I’ve been forced to face is fatalism. The last time my husband was unemployed for a while, I became completely depressed, constantly worrying about us ending up on the street, begging for food. Yes, that’s what I did for a whole year, and we had a six-month severance with a whole year of Employment Insurance benefits to follow. On top of that, we had no mortgage or debt of any kind. But I was miserable. In my mind, I saw us completely destitute. I never did picture us getting jobs and moving on.

Having been through that before really helps this time around. But working on the “issues” all these years is really helping as well. For some reason, I’m refusing to worry. I’m determined to be happy “in spite of” instead of “because of,” apparently.

I’m really shocked to see the emotional resilience I have developed. I didn’t expect it to be this way. In fact, when he lost his job, my biggest concern wasn’t his unemployment. It was my reaction. I thought I would feel as if somebody had kicked me on the stomach, for the entire time of his unemployment.

I wasn’t expecting to be feeling shitty health-wise, but as I was telling him yesterday, I feel uncomfortably unhealthy, but now I know why. Not only that, I know that millions of perimenopausal women all over the world are experiencing my symptoms, and for some reason that helps. Maybe because I realize that I’m not crazy or hypochondriac, just menopausal.

As for my own unemployment, for some reason I feel really positive as well. I only hear good stuff from my inner voice. It could be that this time I’m determined to do just about anything for a buck--but not only for a buck. I want to work because I miss being out there, meeting people, making friends, having my own money to spend.

Being employed offers a lot more benefits than just money and extended health insurance. It is good for you. It helps you know that you belong in the universe. It makes you feel useful. And I’m determined to have that again.

As for my issues, I am working very hard on my affirmations. I have one that says, “I surprise myself with my incredible patience.”

Let’s hope that when I get my job in May or June, that I will be the model employee. One who never complains, keeps her strong opinions to herself, doesn’t take anything personally, allows people to be imperfect, and concentrates on the work at hand instead of on the surrounding people.

3 comments:

Zoe said...

Your changes can be seen by me and I've never met you. I just know you through your writing and I can see positive changes towards yourself and others.

I find it interesting that you are trying to keep your opinions to yourself and I'm trying to have the guts to have opinions again. *grin* It's all about balance isn't it?


As for the whole perimenopausal/menopausal thing, thought I'd mention that my acne has been off the charts. Or maybe it's just cholesterol oozing from my pores...all I know is, yuck! (Sorry if that's too much information.) :-)

me as i am said...

all this is just terrific~ i'm so happy for you :)

and that affirmation is excellent. i think i'll try it~

Unrepentant said...

Zoe,

Thank you very much for the encouragement. I can use it!

Yes, it is all about balance. But it also is about the way we express ourselves. In the past, I've been remarkable for doing it the completely wrong way ;)

I thought I was over the acne thing, and now, I've been having break outs for 3 months or so.

Yesterday, I spent sometime surfing the web for information on the symptoms. I wanted to know if it ever ends. Apparently it does. So, I'll just ride it out and hope for the best.